As The IV Drips
by JMLHCPKSfan
Summary: Kendall loves Carlos- his husband and father of his daughter. But when Carlos is stuck in the hospital, going through surgery after surgery, Kendall must bring in extra money by singing at his dad's bar. Struggling with keeping it together, Kendall accidentally seeks comfort in the forbidden arms of his new friend, James.
1. Pilot

**So it took a long time, but I finally decided on a new story. :D I hope you all love it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't know what it matters, but I recently decided it might be a good idea to invest in a disclaimer. So I don't own Big Time Rush- obviously.**

* * *

Addie entered the hospital room and ran to Carlos, trying to climb into the bed. "America's Funniest Home Videos" was playing on the TV in the high corner of the soft blue room, the blinds open to let in the white Minnesota light to illuminate my husband's smiling face.

"No, Ad," I ordered, entering behind. "Daddy's hurting- don't get up there."

"She's okay, Kenny," Carlos said happily. I sighed and rolled my eyes, lifting our 5-year-old daughter up to sit beside her father on the bed. Her wild red hair tickled his face and made him scrunch up his nose as she hugged him gently. "Daddy didn't fix your hair this morning, did he? Silly Daddy."

I smirked and bent down to kiss him before pulling up a chair beside his bed to sit. Carlos was always the one to fix Addie's hair and dress her in cute clothes- not me. I could never get all those tiny flaming red curls into a bun like he does, or into a tight French braid or pigtails.

"How do you feel?" I asked as Addie snuggled into his side and he stroked her hair.

"Really sore," he said. "But I'll make it."

My Carlos had just had surgery to get a kidney replacement and cancer taken from his other kidney. Although I knew it hurt to have our daughter on him, he loved her too much to tell her no. The surgery had happened yesterday afternoon, and now it was the next afternoon and we were allowed to see him. I was happy to see that his skin was safely tan again, not yellowish.

"Daddy, I drawed you a piture, but I leaved it at home," Addie said up to Carlos.

"You DREW me a picture and LEFT it at home?" Carlos corrected.

"Yeah. But I'll bring it next time."

"Okay, baby," Carlos laughed, kissing her freckly cheek.

Obviously Addie isn't our biological daughter. We adopted her as a baby, her name Addison Riley Knight. Everyone loved her- the baby with the flaming red hair, the freckly cheeks and nose, the dark brown eyes, and the smile to kill, with two fathers- the whitest white boy you could find and a Latino.

"What did you do at school today?" Carlos asked. She was in preschool now- Carlos cried the day she started it.

"Daddy taked me early, but I learned a color!"

"Daddy TOOK you, Ad," Carlos corrected.

"What color did you learn?" I asked.

"Red," she said proudly.

"Like your hair!" Carlos gasped.

Addie took a tuft of her hair and looked at it, gasping.

"It IS red!"

Carlos giggled and looked up at me with a wink.

Suddenly the door opened again and I turned to see Carlos' best friend, Logan, entering.

"Oh, god, Los, baby, I thought you would die!" Logan said worriedly, going to the bed to pepper my husband's face with kisses.

They had been best friends since before kindergarten- their mothers had been friends. They had a weird friendship- Logan was gay, and you could tell it by his small build, his stylish clothes, and the ring on his bottom lip, and he called Carlos things like "baby" and "honey" and "sexy". At first, when I met him and Carlos and I were just dating, I was defensive about it. But now I get that there's literally nothing but brotherly love between them.

"Uncle Logie, I want kisses!" Addie begged. Logan grinned a dazzling smile and kissed all over her face.

"Hey, Freckles," Logan said cheerfully to her.

"That's not my name!"

"What?" Logan asked in mock surprise. "It isn't?"

"No! It's Addie!"

"I think it's Freckles. Isn't that what it says on her birth certificate, Kendall?" he asked me.

"Yeah. It says right there- plain and simple- Freckles Riley," I said with a shrug.

"Nuh-uh!" Addie said, looking worried. She looked to Carlos for clarification.

"That's your real name, baby," Carlos shrugged. Addie's little mouth fell open and she just looked so troubled that her real birth name was Freckles. "We're kidding, Ad! You know that it says Addison!"

Logan laughed and pulled up a chair beside me, kicking up his feet onto the bed.

We stayed at the hospital for a long time until the doctor entered and said that we had to leave so that Carlos could have his stitches checked out and stuff. He said that it could be a painful process for Carlos and he shouldn't be stressed out by other people there- besides, it could get gross.

Logan, Addie, and I decided to go to dinner before we went home.

"How are you being home alone with Addie?" Logan asked me from across the table at the pizza place. He really was extremely attractive, with his dimples, dark eyes, lip ring, neatly gelled up hair, and cute hoodies that he used to cover up his hands when he was nervous. He was the cute kind of gay, that you just had to love, but I knew that he could be a sassy one, too. He had a lot of personalities.

"I'm fine. Have some faith in me," I laughed. "I'm her dad, too, you know."

"Yeah, but normally Carlos is the one who cooks for her and dresses and bathes her and takes care of her."

"I do, too. What, do you think I just sit around all day and watch?"

"Wait- that's NOT what you do?" he winked. I laughed and rolled my eyes. "But… How have YOU been holding up? Since he was diagnosed?"

"I would be worse if he wasn't so positive," I admitted. "He's always telling me that he'll be okay, and that the doctors wouldn't let him die. That the Lord wouldn't let him die with such a beautiful little girl that needs him."

"He's always been religious. I never understood it- his church isn't one that hates on gays, but my parents were that kind, you know."

"I know."

"But I guess whatever floats his boat."

I had found a good friend in Logan. We had, of course, met through Carlos and were alone together sometimes, like now, and I knew I could tell him anything. He was understanding and great at giving advice, not to mention he never shared secrets.

"What if he dies?" I asked.

"What?" Addie squeaked.

"Oh, no, honey," Logan laughed nervously to Addie, who was beside him. "Your daddy said 'What if he CRIES'. Nobody wants to see your daddy cry, you know."

"Oh," Addie said in relief. "I thought he said-"

"I know, sweetheart," Logan said, giving me a look.

I sighed and rubbed my face, then hair. The thought of Carlos dying from this cancer was in the back of my mind, but I never allowed myself to think it out loud. Now that Logan was here, I thought that I could confide in him. Big mistake doing that with Addie there.

"But Los WON'T cry, because don't you think that would be really sad?" Logan said to me in code. "And he's determined not to cry, because our Carlos is very strong and has great doctors. We'll put as much money as he needs in so that he doesn't cry."

"There's always the possibility. They said that the cancer could have spread to other organs," I said softly.

"It's CARLOS, Kendall. He won't."

The pizza arrived, but Logan and I never broke eye contact as it was set down in the center of the table.

"You have to keep strong for her, Kendall," Logan said softly. "And if you start ripping at the seams, don't think that I won't take Addie to my place in a heartbeat. She needs to be cared for like a princess, and if she ever DOESN'T get that-"

"Okay, Logan," I said. "If I start going downhill, I WANT you to take her. I don't want her to see me weak. I don't want her to be neglected. Okay?"

Logan nodded a little and I sighed and turned to help my daughter with her pizza.

* * *

"Daaaady! Looooogie! Come tuck me in!" Addie called from her bedroom.

Logan gave me a little smile as he turned the dishwasher on and we went to her bedroom. Carlos and I had been married for six years and had a little one-story house in a nice little neighborhood. Carlos had been in the hospital for three days and I hadn't done the dishes or cleaned anything since then. I had to take time off of my job at Dick's Sporting Goods to take care of Addie. Logan had helped me clean up a little bit while Addie got ready for bed.

Logan stood in the doorway of the pink bedroom, his hoodie sleeves over his hands as he watched Addie and I.

I knelt beside her bed and tucked the covers to her chin.

"How many more days?" she asked excitedly, wanting to know when Carlos would be coming back home.

"There's only tomorrow, then the next day, and that next morning we'll be taking Daddy home," I said, pushing little ringlets from her face.

"Do we have markers here?"

"I think a lot of them are dried up. I'll have to get new ones."

"When you do, can we make Daddy pictures?"

"Of course we can, Pumpkin," I grinned. She was so sweet- she got that from spending so much time with Carlos. They were exactly alike.

"Of a purple cat with a yellow scarf and he's riding a bus to the store to get fishes for his baby cats?" she asked excitedly. Oh, this girl's imagination.

"Why wouldn't we draw that?" I laughed.

"Or a cracker that just got his side ate, and now he's looking for a Band-Aid, but a bear is guarding the Band-Aids, so the cracker has to fight him with a sword?"

"Why don't we draw both?"

"Or-"

"We'll draw anything and everything you want, Pumpkin. How about you go to sleep, and maybe you'll get more ideas from your dream," I suggested. "Tomorrow's Saturday, which means we can spend all day together drawing pictures."

"But can we go see Daddy?"

"Of course we can, baby. You know he loves to draw, too."

"He makes silly pictures."

"I know he does," I smiled. "He has the same imagination as you do."

"Uncle Logie, will you come draw with us tomorrow?" Addie asked Logan.

"Maybe," he smiled. "I have to go down to my grandma's house, though, and set up her new TV, so I might be late."

"Can I come?"

"My grandma's a mean old lady- you wouldn't want to come."

"Is she a witch?" Addie asked in astonishment.

"She used to be, but then she got too old to ride her broom, so she had to stop."

"Don't let her turn you into a frog!" she pleaded. "Or I'll have to kiss you to make you Logie again."

"I'll drink a potion before I go, so that she can't do that to me," Logan reassured.

"Okay, good," Addie nodded in relief.

I smiled down at her, stroking her hair with my thumb. She was so damn cute. Not only was it her looks, but also her personality, which resembled Carlos in her innocence and goofiness, and me in her strength and ability to be serious. I loved her.

"I love you, Addie. Let's go to bed," I said softly.

"Love you, too," she mumbled, not wanting to sleep. I laughed and gave her a kiss before I stood and let Logan kiss her goodnight.

* * *

I had finally fallen asleep at 2 AM that night, only to be woken up by my bedroom door opening.

I sat up and looked through the darkness to find Addie slowly coming in, her teddy bear hanging by a leg in her little hand, her wild hair crowning her head. I wasn't sure if she was sleepwalking or not- she had a history of doing that.

"Addie?" I grumbled.

"Daddy," I heard her sniffle. Yes, she was awake. "I had a bad dream."

Weird- normally when she had bad dreams she ran in sobbing, jumped into the bed and darted beneath the blankets, shivering.

I swung my feet over the edge of the bed and went to her, picking her up. She immediately wrapped an arm around my neck and buried her face in my bare shoulder as I carried her to the bed.

I lay her in the bed and got into it myself, her immediately sitting up and hugging Carlos' pillow to her chest, appearing to be smelling it.

"I dreamed that Daddy died," she said, tears in her voice. "And me and you and Logie went to the funeral, and me and Logie were crying, but you weren't. You were kissing a different man. A man I didn't know. And Logie telled me that Daddy was in heaven now and that you didn't want me anymore, and that he was my new daddy."

I was so troubled by her words. I understood her dreaming of Carlos' death, but why did it feature me kissing another guy? And Logan taking her over?

"And it scared me, cause I don't want Daddy to die. And I don't want Logie to be my new Daddy."

"That'll never happen, Pumpkin. Okay?" I whispered. Her tear-stricken face turned to me. "Come snuggle with me- I'll chase away your bad dreams."

Addie put the pillow aside and cuddled up to my chest, my arm holding her, hand in her hair.

* * *

**If you're reading this in the super future and its already complete, don't be afraid to review on this story! I love to read new reviews on old stories. :D**

**And if you're reading this as we go, you should review, too, because it motivates me to write quicker and better. Everyone loves hearing what people think of their writing. :D**


	2. Mr Dreamy

**LoveSparkle: Man, you're so fricking cool, you review on all my stuff and I love you. :D And of COURSE Logan sounds sexy- that's how I made him! You have to love a man with a lip ring, dimples, and extra long-sleeved hoodies. :)**

* * *

Addie sat at the bar with Rachael, the bar tender, as I plugged in my acoustic guitar to the amp on stage. I had to pick up this gig at my dad's bar- Knight's Bar and Grill- for a little extra cash, and Logan was stuck at school, so I had to take Addie here with me. It wasn't the ideal place for a five-year-old-girl, but I knew the bartender and she promised to watch Addie while I performed. Besides, Addie was drawing even more pictures for Carlos- she was okay for the next hour. She was excited to be taking him home tomorrow, and I was ecstatic.

There wasn't much of a crowd, but there were a few tables filled with people there for dinner and there were some people at the bar, so the show must go on. I think it was a good audience for my first performance.

"Hey, everyone," I said into the mic. "My name's Kendall Knight and I'll be your entertainment tonight."

"Hi, Kendall!" some sarcastic bastard yelled and I had to laugh a little and salute.

"Yaaaay! Go Daddy!" I heard Addie cheer and I laughed and waved at her.

"This first song's called 'Love Letter' and I wrote it for my husband years and years ago," I said. "Here it goes."

What little nerves I had about the show disappeared as I started singing and playing. It was a faster, exciting song and I thought it might grab people's attention.

At the end of the song, a got a few applause, not counting Addie at the bar cheering and yelling.

"By the way, that's my daughter over there," I said, thinking maybe I could get some pity tips if I told them a little story I like to call "my life". "She's five. My husband is in the hospital now, he had to get a kidney transplant because he had cancer. I'm here hoping to make a little extra cash, obviously, because that operation wasn't cheap."

I played a lot of songs and got some tips of dollars or five dollar bills in my guitar case. I distinctly remember looking up and noting that someone had entered, someone tall and alone, but I couldn't quite see his face.

I was forty-five minutes in and ran out of songs.

"Any requests?" I asked, embarrassed.

A tall man, about my age and very handsome, I must add, came up to the stage and dropped a twenty in my guitar case.

"How about 'When I Was Your Man' by Bruno Mars?" he asked with a charming grin. He was very tall with straight, white teeth, tan skin, and glowing hazel eyes to kill. His hair was short and made up, his frame built and muscular beneath a leather jacket. Okay, yes, I was happily married. But he WAS attractive, and I would say this is Carlos' face, just like he points out hot guys to me all the time and I agree or disagree. So this nameless stranger will be called "Mr. Dreamy".

His wink flattered me to no end. To be fair, I hadn't said anything about Addie or Carlos since the first five minutes of the performance, so he didn't know about them. To him, I was just some sexy guy with a guitar asking for requests on songs.

Mr. Dreamy sat at the bar with a bottle of beer and watched me as I sang his song. I had never put that with guitar music, but I had to wing it. The guy DID give me an unnecessary 20 dollar bill.

He watched me with cool hazel eyes which speculated every detail- my fingers on the guitar, my mouth moving, and my clothes. Every time I made eye contact, he bit his perfect pink lip flirtatiously and I had to try not to blush. Yes, I was a happily married man. But everyone loves to be flirted with.

After a few songs, I saw Mr. Dreamy down the last few sips of his beer and put some money on the bar, getting up. I noticed that he didn't flirt with or check out Rachael, which every straight man ever did, so I had to assume he was gay or just not into hot women. He gave me a little mischievous smile before waltzing out the door.

By the time my hour was up I thought nothing more of him as I folded up the 30 dollars of tips I made and put it into my pocket, packing up my guitar.

"You did good, Daddy," Addie said, standing on her bar stool as I approached.

"Thanks, Pumpkin," I grinned, hugging the girl who was suddenly taller than me. I lifted her off of the stool and sat in her place, her in my lap.

"She was a doll, Mr. Knight," Rachael said. She wore unnecessarily thick makeup and low-cut shirts, but I guess she had to make tips somehow.

"Call me Kendall." I knew she was sucking up since I was her employer's son, but it was unnecessary.

"I call him Daddy," Addie said cutely. I couldn't help but kiss her freckly cheek at that, then she turned her face for a kiss on the puckered up lips. Jesus, she kissed like Carlos had when we first started dating.

"Oh! I drawed you on the stage!" Addie said in remembrance, and she sat on my lap to sift through her endless drawings. I knew I should be correcting her grammar like Carlos did, but I thought it was adorable. "Here it is!"

She showed me a drawing of a kind of creepy looking guy with yellow hair and green dots for eyes, holding a guitar, messy music notes around the paper.

"I love it!" I said.

"And I drawed a piture for Rachael, too, see, she put it up over there," Addie said excitedly, pointing to a piece of paper taped to the side of the soda machine. It was of an elephant, which was really more of a circle with stick legs and a trunk, on a skateboard. I was just grateful that she didn't draw a portrait of Rachael and her big jugs, to be honest.

"You're so sweet."

"You should write a song for me!" Addie said randomly.

"I HAVE wrote a song for you, Pumpkin. Remember? It's called 'Cover Girl'?"

"Eh… How's it go?"

As soon as I started singing, she lit up and nodded.

"Yeah! I like that one. But you should write me another one about- about a grape that loses its family in the fridge-el-ator. And so he goes to find them, and he meets a lot of other food that helps him find his family, and when he gets there, all his family is ate!"

"That sounds like a sad song," I said, distraught. Every once in a while, she comes up with something REALLY disturbing and I have to consider taking her to a therapist.

"No, cause then he gets ate, too, and they all live together in the person's tummy!"

I just loved her imagination.

"Oh. Then I guess it's a happy song after all," I smiled.

"Will you write it?"

"I'm busy now, baby, but I'll try soon."

I knew that she would forget about her request in five minutes and think nothing more of it, so I wasn't worried.

* * *

The whole time Carlos was talking to me I kept thinking about Mr. Dreamy. I know, it's horrible, but to be fair I have had zero sexual activity for a REALLY long time, and I was sort of pathetic.

"And then I pulled out my knife and slashed the nurse's throat and drank all her blood," Carlos said, snapping me out of my trance. He always does that when he knows I'm not paying attention- he goes off into an imaginary story to get my attention.

"You did?" Addie gasped, Carlos' fingers in her hair as he braided it.

"No, baby, your daddy's just not listening to me," Carlos said sternly.

"Sorry. I'm just tired," I grumbled. It was the end of the night and I was supposed to be leaving soon. Fatigue stung my eyes every time I blinked and my muscles ached for a bed and sleep. I knew Addie was exhausted, too, but she could NOT sleep while she was visiting Daddy!

"What are you thinking about?"

"Just this random guy that gave me a twenty dollar tip at the bar," I shrugged. "Random guy" seemed like an understatement, but I really shouldn't be bragging about him to my husband. Besides- I'd never see him again, right?

"Was he hot?"

"I mean, if you like tall, dark, and handsome types," I shrugged casually.

"Well if you're thinking about him, he must be gorgeous."

"Not as gorgeous as you, and I think about YOU all the time. So he doesn't matter."

"That was smooth."

"It's what I do," I shrugged and winked.

_"Attention, visiting time is over, all visitors must leave the rooms," _the woman said over the intercom to the whole hospital.

"I don't wanna go," Addie pouted as Carlos secured her braid with a ponytail holder.

"When you come back from school tomorrow, I'll be home, sweetie," Carlos said as Addie turned and hugged him gently, ruffling the pile of drawings that sat beside Carlos on the bed.

"I wanna help you get there, though."

"You have to go to school and learn more colors, baby, so we can practice with our markers," Carlos said. She backed away to give him a sloppy kiss and rub her little nose with his before I lifted her off the bed. "Sweet dreams!"

Addie gave him a sad look and put her coat on as I kissed Carlos goodbye.

"I'll see you at 8," I said before kissing him again. The thought of getting up at 6:30 to get Addie ready for school and take her seemed like a nightmare to me- I wanted to just sleep until mid-afternoon. I guess I was so tired, not only because I had been busy that day, but also because I was stressed. What, with Carlos in the hospital and Addie being souly my responsibility, of course I was stressed out.

* * *

"Logie'll be over to pick you up at noon, just like usual," I said as I pulled up to the car lane at the elementary school.

"Not you?"

"Nope- I have to stay and take care of Daddy."

I got out of the van and unbuckled her from her car seat, helping her hop out, her big purple coat on with her pink backpack jingling with key chains. I had managed to get her hair into a ponytail, but a few tiny ringlets had escaped and fell over her pale forehead. I bent to gave her a kiss and rub my nose with hers before she ran off with her friends.

I smiled a little and watched her disappear into the school before someone honked at me to move my car, and I scrambled back into the driver's seat to meet Logan at the hospital.

I wasn't like those moms that homeschooled their kids because they were afraid that their precious prodigy would get a disease or get hurt on the playground at school. For one, Carlos was the mom, I was the dad- duh. For two, I knew that school was important for a kid's development, and I knew she probably got a few teases for her hair and her freckles and her two daddies, but she was strong and able to make friends with her bullies. But still, I hated that my little girl was growing up, and even if it was just preschool until noon, she was now bathing herself and dressing herself and pouring her own milk- that's a sad realization for every parent.

I was a little upset to find that I was late and Logan was already waiting outside of the hospital with Carlos in a wheelchair in front of him.

I pulled up to the pick-up section and got out to open the van door. Yes, we had a van, even though we only had one kid. But it was my mom's and she gave it to us when she got a new car, so who was I to complain?

"Sorry I'm late," I said as Logan wheeled Carlos up to the open door.

"You're not late- Logie was early," Carlos said with a shrug.

"You already signed all the papers and stuff?"

"Yup. Taken care of."

It took a while for Carlos to get into the car- his lower back was very sore from his surgery and we had to be careful of his stitches. Logan sat beside him in the midsection and I drove, careful of speed-bumps and potholes.

I had to smile a little when I looked in the mirror to see Carlos watching everything go by outside the window, his hand casually linked with Logan's. I should be defensive about that, but I'm not. Besides, every time I would bring it up, Logan would say "He was mine first- you don't like it, you can get over it."

"Can we get McDonald's?" Carlos asked excitedly, looking at me through the rearview mirror.

"Are you gonna be able to keep that down?" Logan asked doubtfully.

"Duh. I've got an iron stomach."

I knew that when you had kidney problems you could potentially throw up a lot, and with Carlos' new kidney I didn't know how real food would work with him. He's eaten minimally and had an IV drip for the past few days. But I knew how much he loved those breakfast McGrittles.

* * *

"Oooh," Carlos groaned from his nest in our bed. "Kenny, my tummy hurts."

"Probably because you ate three McGrittles, honey," I sang, gently laying another blanket over him.

"I was so hungry."

Logan was lying on my side of the bed, the right side, with his arm behind his head, chewing on his lip ring as he watched TV.

"Are you hot? Cold?" I asked Carlos.

"I'm okay, baby, my tummy just hurts."

"Are you gonna throw up?"

"No."

"Should I get the trash can in case?"

"What if I do? That would hurt so bad!" Carlos said in horror. I could just imagine him having to jerk to the side, his stitches potentially ripping as he heaved.

"I'll get some Pepto."

After I gave him some medicine to try to ease his stomach, Logan scooted over to his left to be beside Carlos as I lay beside him.

"Are you singing at the bar tonight?" Logan asked, head falling to its right to look at me with wise black eyes. Those eyes were even darker than Carlos'- and Carlos was Latino. I think they may be the same shade as Addie's, if not darker.

"Yeah. At 6."

"How does that pay?"

"Normally 60 bucks, but since it's my dad he gives me 75. Since he knows what I'm working with here. Plus tips- I got 30 bucks last night, and that was really early dinner, so maybe I'll get more tonight when it's later."

"Maybe the guy that gave you a twenty will come again," Carlos said. "Unless he's into you, in which case he's gonna have to pay a little more than that."

I dared not say anything about Mr. Dreamy's wink, or the way he watched me move, or the bite of his lip upon eye contact. It might hurt him, and I knew Logan would get mad.

"A guy gave you a twenty?" Logan asked me.

"Yeah- it's no big deal."

"He was hot," Carlos said. Dammit, Carlos! Not in front of Logan! Logan had a thing for being overprotective of Carlos, and if he knew that I said that the guy was attractive-

"Hot?" Logan snapped.

"I mean, he was reasonably attractive," I reasoned.

"Would you fuck him?"

"Logie!" Carlos laughed. "He said that I'm prettier and he doesn't matter- he's off the hook."

Logan shot me a look before turning back to the TV.

* * *

I hated the sound of my sweet Carlos puking his guts out so violently, and the echo effect of the bathroom didn't help. I kneeled on the floor beside him, stroking his back, his stitches bandaged up beneath his t-shirt. I looked over and was grateful to find that Logan had taken Addie elsewhere. I didn't want her to see Carlos being sick, because I knew this wasn't a stomach bug- it was his REAL sickness, and it was only the beginning.

"Make it stop," Carlos sobbed as I reached over to flush. I knew he was in excruciating pain because of his stitches and soreness, plus the pain of vomiting.

His stomach lurched again and I winced as he leaned over the toilet again, rubbing the hair on the back of his head.

Finally, after a while, he finished and I stood to wet a wash cloth with warm water as he painfully sat back against the cold wall. I knelt beside him and wiped his mouth gingerly, then folded the rag and wiped up his tears. I then rinsed it in cold water and dabbed his forehead.

"I-It's just the medicine that's making me queasy," he said, more to himself than me.

"I know, baby," I said softly, although I disagreed.

"I'll be okay."

"I know."

"…Right?"

"Right."

"Kenny?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I'm so scared," Carlos said, the fear in his voice breaking my heart. I knew what he was afraid of- that the cancer, the surgeries, weren't over.

"Me, too," I whispered. "But like you said- it's just the meds."

"You should get ready for your show."

"I'm not going. I have to take care of you."

"I have Logie and Ad," Carlos said. "But if you come home and Logie's cuddling with me, just toss him on the floor and take his spot."

"Okay," I laughed.

"But be careful- don't break him. And don't break me, either- I hurt."

"I'll be gentle."

"Oh, but if Addie's there, don't throw her on the ground."

"I won't," I laughed. "Are you loopy?"

"I'm tired. And on pain meds. AND I'm Carlos. Of course I'm loopy."

"How does your stomach feel?"

"Okay I guess."

I got Carlos back laying in the bed and Addie brought him water before cuddling up to his side and telling him a story about why she thought he threw up.

"The food in your belly was having a war. They got their guns out and was shooting each other, cause one side thought THEY were yummier, but the other side thought that THEY were yummier. But then the queen food came and said that they shouldn't fight, but the foods all told her that they WANTED to. And so the queen kicked them all out of her castle because she doesn't like fighting, and that's why you got sick."

"I think that's exactly why," Carlos smiled to himself. "But I think I accidentally threw up the queen, too."

"Oh, no. Now who'll run the castle?"

"I'm sure they'll find a new queen."

I knew that Addie always cheered Carlos up with her stories and drawings and even just her bright smile. It was hard not to love her, and she never failed to be everyone's sunshine.

After an hour I had to get up and get pretty for my show, leaving Carlos and Addie asleep on the bed, Logan gnawing at his lip ring and playing on his phone on the floor.

* * *

**Thank you all for the reviews and follows and favorites I got on the first chapter! I hope you continue to support this- it'll get good soon! I just had to show you the Kenlos relationship first. :D**

**By the way, "Love Letter" is a Heffron Drive song. I'm not a Driver at all, but I listened to that song and I LOVE the chorus to it. Of course their songs are good, but I just haven't really gotten around to really listening to them. AND "Love Letter" has a crazy rapping part that Dustin does. Man, I'm pretty sure Dustin's just as dreamy as Kendall is, just cause he's so dumb and talented and funny. He's especially attractive without the long Dustache, sorry to say it, just cause his Dustache is his pride and joy, but he is.**

**Okay, author's note complete.**


	3. His Name Is James

I was worried about Carlos at home as I sang. I hoped he wasn't getting sick anymore- and if he was, Logan better be feeding him. I didn't want my sweet Carlos to be painfully dry-heaving.

The restaurant was packed tonight and I got louder applauses and the occasional child sent up to drop a one or a five into my guitar case. I was three-quarters the way through my set when the door opened and my mysterious stranger entered. I avoided his eyes, no matter how much I wanted to look at them, because I DID feel guilty for getting so excited over his arrival. I was a married man- I couldn't do things like that, even if my husband didn't mind it.

My song ended and Mr. Dreamy waltzed up to the stage like he had known me for years.

"How about my song again?" he asked, his voice deepish but kind, a bright smile on his face.

"You got it," I nodded. He grinned and tossed a bill in my open guitar case. I didn't expect to look down and see a big "50" on the bill.

"Sir, take this back. It's too much," I said as he started walking toward the bar. Twenty was high, but fifty was entirely too much for a tip.

The man looked over his shoulder and shrugged with a smile before sitting at a bar stool and getting a bottle of Budweiser. I couldn't take this money. Any bar or street performer would be ecstatic to get a tip like that, but maybe my inability to take it stemmed from the fact that I knew he was flirting with me. He was flaunting his money at me, peacocking, saying "Check ME out, I've got money!" but I didn't want that.

My view on Mr. Dreamy seemed to go rotten. He used to be a handsome stranger that gave me a large, generous tip. But now he was some cocky asshole that gave me a HUGE tip in hopes to win my heart. But didn't he know that Beatles song? Can't buy ME love. Besides- I already have love and I don't need this.

And I knew what he was doing with asking for the same song two nights in a row. He was making a connection in my brain between the song and him. He was hacking into my brain and I didn't like it.

After a few songs ended, the guy got up to leave as he did the previous night.

"Hey!" I found myself saying, making him jump and look at me. I blushed a little, realizing that the restaurant was crowded and everyone had jumped from my outburst. "Stay here. I need to have a little talk with you."

"Oooooh," some sarcastic audience members hooted, but the guy rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed at everyone looking at him, and he slowly went back to the bar.

I finished another song before my time was up and I collected my tips, put my guitar away, and carried it to the bar. Mr. Dreamy watched me come, a bottle on the bar before him and another one in front of the empty seat to his right.

"You need to have a 'talk' with me?" he asked as I propped my guitar case against the bar and sat beside him.

"Hey, you did great up there," the man on my other side said, and I smiled and thanked him, stalling and not wanting to talk to Mr. Dreamy.

Finally I had no escape and I turned to him, suddenly forgetting about what we needed to talk about. I forgot about everything, really, as our eyes met.

"Umm…" I stammered.

"I ordered you a beer. I like the way you sing," the guy said, taking a sip from his bottle. "You've got a unique voice. Where'd you learn to play guitar?"

"I taught myself," I said, somewhat coming back to a normal person. I took a sip of the beer, figuring I could sure use one right now. "As a teenager."

"What do you do?"

"I work at Dick's Sporting Goods, but-" I stopped myself before I told him about taking time off for Carlos and Addie. I'm not sure why I did it.

"But?"

"I'm taking a few days off for a little break."

"Well I hope my tip can help you out," he said sincerely as I took another drink of my beer. Suddenly I remembered the whole reason I had to speak with him.

I reached into my back pocket and took out the fifty dollar bill and slid it across the shiny bar to him.

"I can't take that," I said.

"Is it not enough? I was debating a hundred, but-"

"Yesterday you gave me a twenty and THAT was too much. Normally I just get fives and ones." I couldn't even imagine if this guy had given me a hundred dollar bill. Yeah, it would be awesome, but I would never be able to take it.

"But I know that musicians have a hard time getting money and I thought you were really good- you deserve it," the guy said, troubled. "Just take it. A birthday gift."

"My birthday was in November," I said flatly.

"A late birthday gift."

"I don't need your money."

"It's not MY money. It's my mom's. She's loaded and she just keeps feeding me cash. I work for her, too, so I have plenty."

"Please just take it. I can't accept that."

The guy's fingers played with the bill, folding it and creasing it as he pursed his lips.

"I'm James, by the way," he said, hazel eyes on mine. "James Diamond. I've been coming here for like a week now after work. And you are? I haven't been able to catch your name."

"Kendall Knight," I said, and to my surprise, he shook my hand.

"Wait… Knight? As in…"

"My dad owns the bar," I nodded.

"That's rad."

"Rad?" I had never heard someone use that word and be serious about it.

"Sorry- I just came home from California," he laughed, his giggle simply adorable.

"California? Why were you there?"

"My mom and I were setting up an office there. She owns a cosmetics company and a lot of actors and actresses and loaded people buy her stuff and she has to ship it across the country. So she's expanding. I think we're gonna get another one in New York, too."

"You work for a makeup company?"

"I model for her. It's me and a few other male and female models that show off her products for photo shoots."

"Do you like that?" I couldn't see any man liking being a model for a makeup company.

"It pays good," James shrugged. "Oh- I don't WEAR the makeup," he laughed. "No, I, like, hold the product, whatever it may be. It's not all makeup- it's stuff like wrinkle remover and under-eye-bag-cream and stuff, and Mom uses me to reel in more male customers."

I looked at him as a model and realized that I could see it. His face was perfectly symmetrical, his lips beautifully pink and just full ENOUGH, his lashes naturally dark and curly and his eyes a beautiful shade, looking brown to me at first but now I realize that they were hazel. His dark hair was short and I guess he used mousse to style it up, sort of like my own. A perfectly shaded shadow colored his jaw and around his mouth, making a sexy 5 o'clock shadow.

"So tell me more about you," he said.

I opened my mouth to tell him everything, but suddenly I realized what I was doing. This was a stranger. And I needed to get home to Carlos and Addie.

"I need to go," I said, making to get up.

"You haven't even finished your beer," James argued. "C'mon."

"I have to get home to my husband."

James' mouth opened to talk, then he realized what I said and his brows furrowed.

"Are you lying to me? Because if you want me to leave you alone you need to just say that. I hate when people lie to me."

I held up my left hand, showing him my golden wedding band.

James' lids fluttered and he blushed.

"If I knew you were married I wouldn't have hit on you so much," he laughed nervously. "I just couldn't see your hand because of the guitar."

"It's okay. But my husband is sick and I should get home to him."

"I'm really, really, REALLY sorry," he said in a panic. "God, I'm such an idiot! I'm really sorry, Kendall, I'm just so used to going up to anyone and being able to get a date."

"How did you know that I'm gay?" I asked, suddenly confused. Did I LOOK gay? SOUND gay?

"I didn't," he laughed bashfully. "I just thought you were hot and thought that there was a 20 percent chance you WOULD be. Well um… I guess I'll leave you alone now. I hope your husband gets better soon."

"You don't have to leave me alone," I laughed, honestly afraid that he would. "I just wanted you to know that I'm married before you get too excited."

"Thanks. That coulda got embarrassing," he laughed a little.

I turned to Rachael and got her attention.

"Mine and his are on me," I said to her and she nodded.

"Thanks, man," James beamed.

"Well my dad owns the place- I get free drinks," I laughed, slipping on my coat and beanie. He picked up my guitar and handed it to me before shaking my hand.

"It was nice to formally meet you, Kendall. Will you be here tomorrow night?"

"Sure will."

"Cool. I'll see you then."

I nodded and left, reaching into my coat pocket for my phone as I pushed the door open with my back. I glanced up at James and found that he was having a friendly conversation with Rachael now. I needed to make sure Carlos didn't call or text.

My fingers closed around a piece of paper as I stepped out into the snowy night. It wasn't my phone, but I wanted to know what it was.

I pulled the paper out to find the folded up 50 dollar bill in my fingers. How the hell did he do that? I considered going back in and making him take it back, but then I realized that he wouldn't take it. And I COULD use the money- Carlos' treatment wasn't cheap even with insurance and his parents' help. And James said that he had more than enough money- he earned it himself AND his mother gave him even more. I would find a way to make it up to him in a way that he would appreciate more than money. I didn't know WHAT, but I had to.

I realized that I had misjudged James. I thought that he was a cocky asshole upon his arrival, but now I know that he's a sweet guy.

* * *

I came home to a dark house. I heard nothing and feared that Carlos was taken to the hospital and nobody was home. It was only 7:45- surely Carlos and Logan weren't already in bed. Addie maybe, but not them.

I sat my guitar against the wall and hung up my coat and hat and slipped off my shoes, quietly walking through the house to Addie's room.

I was relieved to find that the little nightlight in the wall illuminated a peacefully sleeping Addie, Logan cuddled up to her back and snoring slightly. I knew that he didn't particularly want kids, but he was content with being so close with Addie while also not being so committed.

So where was Carlos?

I hoped and prayed that he was asleep in bed when I opened our bedroom door, the bathroom light was blindingly bright as it shone into the dark bedroom. Afraid that he had gotten violently sick again, I hurried to the bathroom to find my husband asleep on the cold bathroom floor, his shirt and pants off and his stitched up back pressed to the icy tiles.

I looked in the toilet, which had clear water in it.

"Los, honey," I whispered, kneeling beside him. He grumbled and his dark eyes fluttered open and he smiled a little when he saw me, making me smile back. "Did you get sick again?"

"No," he said, releasing all pent-up worry in me. "Addie was worn out, but didn't want to go to bed so I sent Logie to make her sleep. Is he still in there?"

"They're both asleep in her bed," I laughed, smoothing down his hair.

"Awe- that's cute."

"Why're you in here?"

"My stitches were killing me, so I took off the bandages and lay in here, and it felt nice, and I guess I fell asleep," he said.

"Do they still hurt? Do you need some pain meds?"

"Yeah, they hurt, but if I take pills now they'll keep me awake all night."

"Okay. How about we go lay down and I get a few ice packs for you? I've got a story to tell."

"Man, I love stories," he said brightly. I laughed and gently picked him up bridal-style, laying him on his stomach in the bed. After going to get two soft ice-packs used in Addie's lunch-boxes, I sat in the bed beside him.

He let out a groan of ecstasy as I pressed the packs to his slightly bleeding stitches, one on either side of his spine in his lower back. It was sort of gross, but he was my husband and this was my job.

"That guy came back tonight," I said softly. The bathroom light was the only thing illuminating the bedroom.

"The hot one?"

"Yeah. He asked me to sing the same song as last night-"

"Which one?"

"When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars."

"I love that song."

"Anyway, after that, he put some money in my guitar case, cause I always have it open for tips. It was a fifty."

"A fifty? Damn! He musta heard me say that he needs to pay more if he's into you," Carlos giggled.

"Must have," I laughed. "I went up to him after the show and tried to give it back. He told me that he's a model and he's really rich, and that he knew that musicians had a hard time getting money and he thought I was good and wanted to help out."

"That's so nice. Did you suck his dick to pay him back?"

I laughed, glad that he was able to joke about that, but I knew that he would be destroyed it that actually happened.

"Nah- it'll cost him more than that," I laughed. "Anyway, I ended up having a beer with him. Well, like half a beer. He told me about being a model and stuff, then he asked about ME. I realized what I was doing and told him that I needed to get home to my sick husband."

"Dammit, Kenny! Now he won't hit on you and give you money!" Carlos said with a grin.

"He felt bad about it and apologized a lot. Then we shook hands and I left. I was looking for my phone later and found the fifty in my pocket. I dunno how he did it."

"He sounds so nice," Carlos beamed. "You should introduce him to Logie."

"Isn't he seeing that Jett dude?"

"No, not anymore. Is the guy Logie's type?"

"I dunno- he seems more like a secret gay. I think he's actually bisexual, by the way he talked. He's pretty manly for a bi model, but maybe Logan would like him. He's really tall and you know how Logan likes his tall men," I laughed, although I couldn't see James and Logan together, nor did I WANT to see that.

"Well I think that Logie needs a nice guy. You know how much of a sourpuss he can be sometimes."

"Yeah. I just can't see them together, though. Not long-term."

"Oh, okay. It was just a thought."

"You're a sweet friend, baby, but I think Logan can handle it."

"I guess. I just want him to get a boyfriend so we can double-date and stuff."

"Did you eat something?"

"No."

"Are you hungry? I can make grilled cheese or something," I offered. "Corndogs?"

"Logie and Ad ate, but I was afraid to. I'm starved, but I don't have an appetite, which is weird cause Logie ordered a pizza and I still didn't want it."

"Do I need to force-feed you?" I asked sternly.

"No. I'll eat tomorrow, but I guess I just don't have an appetite from being sick. But you should eat- I think there's a little pizza left over."

"I will," I said. "Can I wash this up? You were bleeding I guess and your stitches are looking pretty rank."

"Don't use alcohol," Carlos pleaded, like a child afraid of the paint that came with rubbing alcohol.

"Los, you're a grown man."

"I'm too tired for that kinda pain," he groaned.

"Okay. I'll just use water I guess."

By the time I had cleaned and dressed Carlos' stitches, he was fast asleep. I smiled a little and kissing his cheek before going to get some pizza and watch some TV, since it was only a little past 8.

* * *

**So? Are you still there? Hangin' with me? :)**


	4. The Gay Bar

I gave Carlos a sad smile as he squeezed my hand, the nurse putting an IV in his arm. He was in a hospital gown, a heart monitor on his finger and IV in his arm as he was only minutes away from his surgery.

"Don't be scared, baby, everything'll be okay," I whispered. "Promise."

"I'll be sore again," he said. "And I might throw up some more."

"And I'll take care of you for as long as you need, because that's my job," I said softly.

I gave him a gentle kiss before they put an anesthetic mask over his mouth and nose and I had to leave.

I sat out in the waiting room with Logan and Addie. Carlos had made Addie's hair into a tight French braid before we left, so it was tame.

She was sitting in Logan's lap sideways, her cheek on his shoulder, a worried look on her face.

"Wassa matter, baby?" I asked, pinching her chin.

"I'm scared for Daddy," she said, twisting her lips.

"There's no reason to be scared for him, Pumpkin. The doctors will take good care of him and he'll wake up tomorrow and give you hugs and kisses just like last time."

"Can we just get outta here?" Logan asked softly, eyes on the floor, bags beneath them. He, like Carlos and Addie, wasn't convinced that Carlos would be okay. I was positive, though- I could think rationally about these things.

"Yeah. Let's go," I said, standing. I picked Addie up and she laid her head on my shoulder, her arm around my neck. Logan stood and followed me out.

* * *

Carlos didn't wake up as jubilant as the last time. He was laid on his stomach in the bed, watching the TV when we entered. He lifted his head and lay his other cheek on the pillow to smile at us.

"Daddy!" Addie said happily, running to him. He smiled and held out his hand to her, the one with the heart monitor, and she took it and hugged his arm before giving him a sloppy kiss.

"Hey, baby girl," he smiled. "Uncle Logie did your hair, didn't he?"

"No, Daddy did," Addie said, proud of her poofy pigtails. Carlos looked up at me, smiling.

"You're learning."

I shrugged and watched as Logan knelt before my husband and kissed his face happily.

I couldn't help but note that Carlos seemed weak and run-down this time around, and it scared me.

Finally it was my turn to kneel before him, taking his hand and giving him a sideways kiss.

"They tried to lay me on my back, but I woke up in severe pain so they had to flip me," he said.

"How do you feel now?"

"I don't feel anything, really. Except happy to see you."

I grinned and kissed his cheek.

"Did you go out with James?" he asked.

"No. My husband was in surgery, how could I go out with him when that was happening?" I laughed. I had told him all about the conversation and Carlos was so excited that James thought that he was cute and that he seemed maybe a little interested in Logan.

"You need to be best friends with him," he said. "You need friends."

"I have you and Logan and Addie."

"Your own friends," he laughed. "Are you going out tonight?"

"No."

"Why? I'll be here and taken care of- it might be the only night you can. And I can tell you're stressed."

"Ad and Logan were worried about you… I've been hopelessly assuring them that you would be okay," I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "They both slept in our bed last night."

"Awe. My poor babies," Carlos melted.

* * *

I nervously pulled into my dad's bar that night, looking for a fancy red car that James said he would be in. We were meeting there tonight and driving in his car to wherever he was planning on taking me.

I was nervous because I hadn't been out in forever, and frankly I wasn't sure if James was over his crush on me. I knew I would be drinking and couldn't be held accountable for what I did, but it still made me nervous.

I exited my car, pulling my coat closer to me. It was snowing a little bit, and I was wearing my grey beanie and some jeans. I wasn't sure how to dress, to say the least.

I approached the extremely expensive-looking red car and the window opened, a perfectly groomed head poking out.

"Hop in!" James called with a smile before disappearing again.

* * *

I hadn't gotten a chance to really see James in the darkness of the car, but when we hung up our coats at the door of the gay club, I almost cried.

He had slight stubble for his goatee, just enough to look like he didn't care. He sported a red flannel, rolled up sleeves, with jeans and engineer boots below the legs. His hair was made up like mine except a little longer, the sideburns so neatly shaven I wasn't sure how they were so even.

"Have you ever been to a gay bar before?" he called over the music. I shook my head and he grinned, beckoning for me to follow him into the crowd. I was surprised at how full it was. We were in Minnesota, it was below zero outside, and these guys had their party shirts buttoned halfway down with fruity drinks in their hands.

I found myself sitting at a bar, as usual, with James. He ordered us two shots, which I had limited experience with.

"Shouldn't one of us be sober?" I called.

"It takes a lot to get me drunk," he called. "I won't drink too much."

I didn't really want to go home drunk off my ass to find my daughter and Logan in my bed, even if they WERE asleep. But… Maybe I need to get loose and forget about real life for a night.

"Okay!" he grinned. "Ready?"

I shrugged and took a shot glass in my hand.

"One… Two… THREE!" he called, and we shot the alcohol plain. James didn't seem affected, he just slammed the glass down as I made a sour face, waiting for the burning in my throat to stop. "You pussy! Have you ever done shots before?"

"Yeah! When I was seventeen!" I laughed, sliding the tiny glass away from me.

"I won't make you do anymore," he laughed as his glass was refilled. He took it with no problem before turning to me. "How did the surgery go?"

"It went well," I nodded as the bartender, who eyed James with sexy eyes, slid another shot to me. "Carlos came out okay and we're taking him home the day after tomorrow."

"Glad to hear it," he smiled. I could see that when we talked about Carlos it made him a bit uncomfortable, but he was sincere in his worry.

I downed my shot, this one going down easier and slid my glass away to be refilled.

* * *

I stumbled as James jerked me out of my bar stool to the dance floor.

Okay, I was a little tipsy.

A lot tipsy.

But the up side was that I wasn't worrying about anything, and it was strange.

James found us a spot on the dance floor, gay men all around us immediately watching his every move and envying me. It felt pretty nice, I must say.

James bit his lip a little and pulled my hips to his, dancing to the beat. He moved so freely, yet every single thing he did was causing a surge of lust through every man watching us. I had never danced like this. Really, I never danced other than with Carlos at our wedding, and that was slow. Sometimes I danced with Addie, but that was different.

"God, you're hot," James called. I knew he wasn't drunk- he DID say that it took a lot for the alcohol to get to him and that he would be able to drive us home.

"You're hotter," I said flirtatiously.

I felt another body pressing to my back and dancing to the beat. I twisted my neck to see a REALLY tall guy with slicked-back black hair, a pierced brow, and lustful black eyes fixed on James.

I wasn't sure how to feel about this, but of course, being drunk, I went with it. This guy, let me tell you, had a raging stiffy that his height let him press against my lower back. It was weird as all hell, but I went with it.

I was stunned when I suddenly looked over to find James hardcore making out with this guy over my shoulder. Even the drunken me was uncomfortable with this, so I slipped from between them to find a bathroom.

I stumbled through the dancing people, the bass vibrating the club and people laughing and dancing and talking.

"Hey, sexy!" someone called, and I thought nothing of it until my hand was caught and I was jerked back. There stood a short blonde, looking like a teenager, but obviously he wasn't, staring at me with lustful blue eyes. Damn- I had no clue how horny gay men these days were.

He wrapped his arms around my neck and bit his lip.

"Uh…"

"I like me a tall blonde," he winked, kissing my jaw. My mind was so puzzled I had no idea what was going on until this brave, ballsy little man was kissing me. I let him do what he wanted- I was so sleepy and not really into a fight. Well, not until he started licking my lips. Yeah, that's when I pried myself away.

After peeing, I looked at myself in the dirty, carven mirror.

I don't know what the hell was possessing me, but I burst into laughter at the sight of myself. A man came up to wash his hands beside me and giggled, too.

"Why the hell am I here?" I asked him, laughing. "I'm married!"

"I dunno, honey, but I'm sure glad you are," he laughed, slapping my ass before leaving, only making me laugh harder.

Oh, gosh. I was about to crash. This always happened when I was drunk- I would get giggly then pass out. Shit.

I sat on the sink, the music outside that door beating through the walls and making the sink shake. I looked at the walls, which had carvings of initials and phone numbers in them. One stall had a glory hole in it and I wondered how many innocent crap-takers were given an unwanted surprise by that. A condom machine was beside me, and I was sure the handle was sticky. Some nice person had loaded the slots with quarters.

The door opened and James entered, looking surprised as he saw me.

"James!" I said happily, but my smile dropped when I saw that weirdo trailing behind, holding his hand.

"Kendall? What're you doing in here?" James asked.

I burst out laughing, shaking my head. James was a big guy. Huge, although he was only an inch taller than me at most. But the guy that had intruded on our dance was at least three inches taller than James, making James look so tiny, and I thought that that was hilarious at the time.

"He's hammered," the guys said, his voice a deep baritone that made me laugh even harder, almost falling off of the sink.

"Gimme a sec," James said to him and approached me.

"Were you gonna fuck him in here?" I asked with a giggle. "Don't mind me, buddy, go ahead."

"I need to get you home," he sighed. "You're about to crash."

"I don't wanna go home! We've only been here for like ten minutes!"

"We've been here for three hours," he laughed.

"You know, James, you're just- you're just so handsome. Like, I wish I could be as h-handsome as you. Like, with your hair all WOO! and then your stubble's all YEAH! and your body's all YAY!"

"What are you even talking about?" James giggled.

"I'm kinda drunk," I slurred happily. "Hey! Your butt-buddy is gone!"

James looked back to find that the guy had left and he sighed.

"He wasn't your type anyway," I slurred. "Maybe he had an STD."

"Maybe," he laughed, not too torn up about me scaring the guy away.

"You know," I said, suddenly in a stupid seriousness, wrapping my arms around his neck and spreading my legs for him to get closer. "I just- I just think you're so amazing."

"You're drunk."

"I know that," I retorted. "And it's your fault."

"I know it is."

"I'm just so horny, James. Like, I haven't gotten ass in like four months," I said, brows knitted. "And, like, Los won't give me the time of day unless HE wants it."

"I'm sorry, Kendall," he laughed.

"And like I try to use my hand but Addie's always there and I feel weird doing that with her in the house."

"Addie?"

"Yeeeah, she's great," I said with a wave, saying nothing about her being my daughter. "And like, it makes me feel bad when I look at Logan's ass and think what it must feel like to be in there. And I mean, that's my husband's best friend. But I'm just like, so turned on all the time and my hubby can't even give me a handy-J under the covers. Doesn't that suck?"

"It does suck."

"And I just- ugh," I slurred, hugging James' neck tightly, choking him.

"Okay, buddy, can't breathe," he said, strained.

"I just want you to hug me!"

He patted my back and hugged me a little and I loosened my grip to look at him.

"I had a dirty dream about you," I sang, our faces close. I knew I was breathing alcohol into his nose, but he didn't seem to mind. "Where you came to my house and we fucked and I woke up with cum in my undies."

"Okay, Kendall, I just-" he started, uncomfortable.

"And it's not my fault!" I pouted, watching as a guy entered the room and covered his eyes for me, thinking that we were doing nasty things. "It's not my fault that you're so sexy and Los doesn't fuck me."

"Carlos has cancer, Kendall, of course he won't."

"Will you fuck me?" I asked, not seeing anything wrong in the question. He cracked a little smile and shook his head.

"Tell you what. If you wake up tomorrow and you still want to fuck me, I won't not not do it with you."

"Yay!" I squealed, not realizing that he said he wouldn't. No, drunk me doesn't think too much.

Without hesitation, I pressed my lips to James'.

"You taste like… Drunken gay guy," he noted casually.

"You do, too."

I kissed him again and I knew that he just had to play along- he had a middle school crush on me.

I hadn't made out with a person for a really long time, and I must say that I missed it. James was obviously experienced in the field and kissed even better than Carlos, and Carlos was good. He tasted like alcohol and gay guy mouth and pure bliss. His tongue knew just what to do and his hands snaked beneath my waist band to touch my ass.

Now that I think of it, I can't believe that James would take advantage of me like that. Yeah, I told him to, but a gentleman would refuse and help me to the car. But do I regret it? No. My life would be so different now if we hadn't made out in the bathroom of that gay bar.

He did have some self-control, though. He pulled us to a stop as soon as I unbuttoned his jeans.

"That's enough," he said, buttoning them again.

"Why? Are you not hard?" I asked defensively.

"I'm painfully hard," he retorted. "But you're a married man. And as much as I want you, I can't have you."

"Yes you can! Nobody will ever know!"

"I'll know. And you won't. You'll forget about it by morning and I'll be stuck with the guilt alone."

Suddenly I was crying.

"C'mon, buddy," he groaned, hugging me. "Don't cry."

"I cheated! I cheated on my Carlos!" I sobbed.

"Kissing isn't cheating, Kendall."

"I wanted to cheat!" I cried.

"Let's just get home."

* * *

James and I came into my house, him wanting to make sure I made it to bed okay.

"Why aren't you hammered?" I whispered as his strong arm supported my back.

"I drink all the time- it takes a LOT. But you're just a lightweight, aren't you?"

"Noooo."

James took my coat and hat off of me, then my shoes.

"I bet Logan and Addie are in my bed," I slurred.

"Who's Addie?"

"Shhhh!"

Suddenly a light flicked on and made me jump.

"Kendall! What the hell? You said you'd be home at midnight!" Logan hissed, storming over to us.

"Logie!" I cheered, hugging him.

"You smell like a gay bar," Logan said, shoving me away. His eye caught James and his stance changed. "Who's this?"

"This is J-James," I slurred, hugging James' side. "He's HANDSOME."

"I'm Logan," Logan said, cocking a brow to James. James put on a dazzling smile and shook his hand. "Thanks for getting him home safe."

"Logie, I just- will you make me some pancakes?" I asked innocently.

"He's drunk," Logan laughed to James.

"I'm not drunk, YOU'RE drunk!" I said defensively.

"I should be going," James said.

"Yeah. I'll see you around," Logan said. "Oh- and he didn't, like, willingly make out with anyone, right?"

I saw James hesitate, but shake his head.

"Nope. He was a good boy," he said.

James left and Logan was storming away.

"Logie! I loooooove you!" I called. "Don't be mad at me!"

"Shut UP!" Logan hissed. "You woke Addie up!"

Addie came out of my bedroom, rubbing her eyes. Logan murmured something to her and she disappeared back into the room.

I slept on the couch that night because Logan told me to. He didn't want me saying anything bad to Addie or her to smell the alcohol on me.

* * *

"Kendall, I thought you said you wouldn't drink a lot," Logan hissed as we waited on Addie to come out of her room so we could leave for the hospital. "You were HAMMERED. And you smelled like that James guy. Like- a lot. And there was glitter all over you and you could barely stand up. What did you do with James?"

Of course I remembered everything from last night, but Logan was the last person to tell, save Carlos.

"He was just helping me walk," I said.

"Look, Kendall," Logan said quietly, dark eyes dead serious. "If you ever come home like that again, Addie and I are going to my place. Are we clear? I don't want that around her and I know you and Los don't either. I'm glad you went out and had fun, but you were OUT."

"It won't happen again, Logan."

"And by the way," he said, eyes hard. "If you ever, EVER, try anything funny with that James guy, I will end you. Got it?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Los loves you with all he's got and if you break his heart I'll break you."

"I'm ready!" Addie sang, snapping us out of our trance. I turned to smile at Addie.

"You look so pretty, Pumpkin! Let's get your hair done and shoes on."


	5. Distance

I just couldn't get James out of my head.

I felt horrible for what happened at the gay bar, even if I WAS drunk when it happened. I hadn't been to perform at my dad's bar since then, and I hadn't talked to James. In my defense, he hadn't made any move to contact me, either.

Addie was able to come with me this time to pick her father up- they had a snow day at school, which she loved.

"Daddy, does it snow cause the angels have dandruff?" Addie asked curiously, looking out the window at the falling snow.

"No, baby, it snows because the rain in the sky freezes," I mumbled. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Logan's head snap my way from the passenger's seat. He knew something was wrong- I rarely ever turned down Addie's adorable imagination.

"What's wrong, honey?" he asked softly.

"Nothing's WRONG, Logan."

"Don't give me that. Why are you being a jerk?" Logan demanded gently. "You can tell me anything, baby."

I shook my head, knowing I could never tell Logan about what was on my mind. Wanting to see James again and kiss him and just hang out with him again. No, if Logan knew, he would hurt me and tell Carlos. And Carlos couldn't take that kind of news right now.

"I'm just worried about Los and the dialysis," I said instead. It was true- that was definitely a worry of mine.

"Me, too," he said. "But he's got a strong daughter to tell him stories, a strong best friend, and a strong husband, and he needs us now more than ever. Right, Ad?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him stories as long as he wants me to," Addie said sweetly.

"And if I know one thing about our Los, it's that he could live forever if he got to cuddle with you," Logan smiled to me. "You mean everything to him."

That statement made me want to cry.

* * *

My worries melted away as I saw my husband in the waiting room, eyes set on me, arms spread for a hug. I had to grin and hurry to him, hugging him gently. I wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to hug ME first over Addie or Logan, but I was happy with it.

"I love you," he sang.

"I love you more," I answered. Yeah, it was totally out of the blue.

I pulled away a little and he kissed me like he hadn't seen me for years and missed me. His hands came up to my face to reinitiate the kiss, almost knocking my feet from below me.

"I haven't had one of those in a while," I breathed as he let go of me.

"I missed you."

I knew what he meant. Even though we had seen each other every day for the past seven years, he missed me. He missed me saying "I love you" and kissing me and touching me and just being my husband. Nowadays he was preoccupied with Addie and being sick and Logan and I was preoccupied with taking care of him, Addie, and Logan while still earning dough for the family.

"I missed you, too, baby," I whispered and our moment was interrupted by Addie coming up to the side of the wheel chair, snatching Carlos' attention from me.

After everyone was reacquainted, Carlos told us that we were taking the wheelchair for a while, because he had begged the nurses to let him have it so he could get out of the house today. He wanted to go to an art museum today because he was stir-crazy, and he thought that Addie might like to see he art.

* * *

Addie sat in Carlos' lap in the wheelchair, me behind them, parking in front of a painting. Logan had wondered off, having met some guy, and was nowhere to be found.

"What do you think it is, Addie?" I asked leaning on the bars of the wheelchair as we looked up at the big canvas of messy paint.

"It's a fairy princess that's turning into fairy queen, but a puppy got in the way and now when she turns into a fairy queen, she'll have a puppy head and the puppy will have her head," Addie giggled. She came up with the darnedest things.

"What do you think, Los?" I asked, rubbing his shoulders gently.

"Cheating," he said. "I think someone was cheated on and they weren't happy about it, so they went wild with the paint."

"W-what?"

"If you look closely, you can see 'Go To Hell'," he said, tracing out the discrete words in the paint. "I think if I was cheated on, that's exactly what I would do."

"Los, I need to talk to you," I said quickly, suddenly feeling like vomiting. I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell him about James, but I HAD to. I loved him and he trusted me to always tell him the truth.

Carlos looked up at me, saw the seriousness in my eyes, and told Addie to go find Logan.

I wheeled Carlos over to a bench, where I sat in front of him.

"I went to a gay bar with James the other night and I got… Exceptionally shitfaced," I said. "You know that."

"I do."

"At one point, I went into the bathroom and sat on the sink alone. James came in, planning on fucking this guy, but he saw me and was a gentleman about it, and the guy left. I was… REALLY drunk. And we ended up making out."

Carlos looked like he was going to laugh at first, but his smile froze before his teeth could show.

"I feel so bad about it," I said, looking away. "And… I'm sorry, Los. I feel dirty and guilty and-"

"How drunk was HE?" Carlos interrupted.

"He drove us home," I said, unable to lie.

"Well…" Carlos said quietly. "You can tell him that if this ever happens again, I'll get my Logie on his ass. Because… I know how you get when you're drunk, and I know you're attracted to him. But if he wasn't drunk, he obviously took advantage of you. He could have told you to stop."

"I think he feels bad about it, too… We haven't talked since."

"I'm not gonna tell you to stop talking to him, baby. I want you to have a friend of your own. But…"

"I know. And it won't happen again."

"Kenny, you know that kissing isn't cheating, right?" Carlos asked carefully.

"I know. But… I haven't kissed another person in years and years. Not except Addie. And I couldn't not tell you."

"Just don't let Logie know," Carlos said quietly.

* * *

That night, James never showed up to my show at the bar.

No, I only saw him on accident the next day at Dick's Sporting Goods, where I was working again.

He was buying a water bottle and a warm jogging jacket, and we didn't even realize it was each other until he looked up at me to say something about a sale.

"Oh… You're Kendall," he said and I looked up, surprised. He seemed to be a bit happy to see me.

"56.90," I said, not showing my surprise. He handed me a credit card and I swiped it.

"I think we need to talk," he said softly, trying to be discrete.

"No we don't. There's nothing to talk about."

"I fucked up- took advantage of a married man. I know that. I don't want this to ruin our friendship, Kendall, because believe it or not I don't have many friends. And you're a cool guy and-"

"Have a nice day, sir," I interrupted, plastering on a friendly face. James paused and snapped his mouth closed.

"If that's the way you want to be, whatever. Have a nice life, I guess," James said venomously, taking his things and storming away so the next customer could step up.

I have to admit, watching James to angry, hazel eyes fiery, and just seeing him storm away… It hurt. Especially when he insinuated that he never wanted to see me again.

I didn't know why I was so rude to him. I did miss talking to him and I wanted to see him more than anything. Plus, James was just so sweet and nice- he wanted to talk this out- why was I just an ass to him?

* * *

That night, it was only me, Carlos, and Addie eating hotdogs and chips for dinner in our bed for Carlos.

"Where's Logan?" I asked.

"He's got a hot date," Carlos smirked. "With your buddy, James."

My blood froze and I felt like I might throw up, but I had to hide it.

"Yeah, James just called him up and asked him out. Logie was really excited about it," Carlos said. "Do you think they'll hit it off?"

"Hopefully," I lied through my teeth. "They both deserve someone special."

I don't know why I was so affected by the news. I was a married man- I had no "dibs" on James, nor should I want "dibs" on him. James was single and gorgeous, and even said that he might be interested in Logan and that he wanted what Carlos and I have. Logan was very into James when James dropped me off at home the other night. They DID deserve a shot at one another… Why did the news make me feel rotten inside?

That night, Carlos' phone rang at about 3 AM and he answered it.

"Logie? What the hell?" he grumbled.

They talked for a really long time before he hung up.

"What did he say?" I asked, my head on his shoulder and arm over his stomach.

"He said that the date went really good and that he got a kiss or two. He sounded really excited about it."

"You spent all that time talking about a kiss or two?" I asked bitterly.

"Well, he also told me about how they made out and went pretty far," Carlos whispered scandalously.

"How far?" I asked, suddenly staring at him through the darkness, propped up on an elbow.

"Like… some pretty serious touching," Carlos said. "Why are you so snippy?"

"I just know James and I don't want Logan to get hurt," I lied. No, I was jealous. Why? I don't fucking know.

"Logie's got good judgment- he wouldn't let that happen."

My phone buzzed and I rolled to look at the text I received from James.

_Did you hear? I hit it off with your friend. I think we might be in love, because I guess that's what kissing does, right? It makes two people fall in love?_

I could just hear his voice saying that- so smug and sarcastic. Anger boiled up inside me, simply because now I knew why James asked Logan out. To make me mad. And he was implying that I thought that he and I were in "love" because we kissed. No. I didn't.

I chucked my phone across the room, hearing it hit the wall and the back come off as it clamored to the floor.

"Babe!" Carlos hissed. "What the hell?"

I got up, needing to walk this off.

"Kenny! What's going ON with you?"

"I don't KNOW, Los, just go to sleep."

"Kendall-" Carlos began, but I heard him yell in pain. I sighed and slowly went to him, knowing he had tried to get up, forgetting about his stitches.

"I'm okay, honey," I said softly, stroking his hair as his face came down from a wince.

"Did you and James get into a fight or something? Are you not friends anymore?"

"No… We aren't."

"Why?"

"Because he kissed me and I wasn't okay with it. I guess we were too different anyway," I sighed.

"Don't you like him?" Carlos asked, concerned.

"Not anymore."

"You're being dramatic. It was just a kiss. Logie kisses me all the time and I don't explode about it."

"Logan's your brother. That's different."

"Does he still like you?" he asked.

"Yeah. Well, probably not. I was rude to him at Dick's this morning- he came in and I ignored him…"

"I think you and me and Logie should go on a double date as soon as I can walk."

"That's not a good idea."

"It's happening," Carlos sang.

* * *

James leaned into Logan's open car window, snowflakes falling gracefully.

"Can we do this again?" James asked smoothly.

"You're hot and all, but I don't think so," Logan said simply. "I just don't think we're right for each other."

"What?" James asked defensively. No. He couldn't let Logan slip away- he was the KEY to his plan.

"I had a nice time making out with you, but you weren't into it."

"I was too."

"After ten minutes you weren't even hard."

"Look, Logan. I like you- you're so cute. Just one more chance?"

Logan bit his lip ring and nodded with a smile.

"Cool. Text me, okay?" James smiled.

"Okay. Go in and get warm," Logan smiled as James leaned in to peck his lips goodbye.

James hurried inside because it was FREEZING outside, and watched the headlights disappear. He felt bad for the text he sent Kendall and wished he could take it back. In his defense, Kendall HAD initiated the kiss and now he didn't want to be friends? Okay. Logic.

He was against cheating, especially if you love your husband as much as Kendall does. That said, he didn't necessarily want to do anything SEXUAL with Kendall, but he just wanted to see him. Kendall was into him- he could tell. And honestly, James wasn't sure that Carlos would make it too much longer, and Kendall needed a shoulder to cry on and an ass to pound when he died. IF he died. Sometimes James imagined that he did, although it was cruel and he's never met the guy.

He liked Logan- he was sweet and friendly and absolutely adorable, but he couldn't see himself with him long-term. By the amount that he talked about Kendall and Carlos, James could tell their next date would be a double-date with them, and that would be perfect.


	6. Double-Date Plus Addie

**So yeah, I realize that James seemed very devious and evil in the last chapter, and I didn't mean to do that but it totally happened. So sorry. Hope he can win your heart again soon!**

* * *

"This is a horrible idea," I grumbled as I handed Addie plate after plate to set on the table at Logan's apartment. She was dressed up in a sparkly pink dress, her hair loose and wild over her shoulders. Her little bare feet padded on the linoleum as she made laps between the table and me.

"I know you don't like James, baby, but we need to be supportive of Logie. It's important that we get along with James in case they DO become serious," Carlos said sternly, stirring the spaghetti sauce. We were having a "double date" plus Addie at Logan's apartment and I wasn't happy about it. Carlos was still sore, but he needed to get up anyway. A cotton swab was taped to his forearm, having gotten dialysis that morning.

The thought of James and Logan becoming serious made my stomach twist. I had attempted to dissociate myself from James and I had told myself I didn't care about him, so WHY did I care about who he dated? I was happy that Logan was excited about him- Logan deserved a nice guy and I knew that James was very nice.

"Addison Riley, don't run with the glass plates," I heard Logan say sternly before she giggled, him following after.

"Sorry, Logie, I forgetted."

"You FORGOT, baby."

"Forgot."

Logan appeared in the kitchen looking and smelling snazzy, his hair made up, wearing a dark flannel, his lip ring changed to a black one, smelling pleasantly of Carlos' cologne, which of course I loved- I picked it out for Carlos for Valentine's Day.

Carlos whistled as Logan rose a brow at us, hands out so we could see him.

"You look HOT, baby," Carlos sang. "Turn around so I can see that booty!"

I laughed, rolling my eyes as Logan turned and shook his ass. They could turn into flaming gays when they were together- like right now, when Carlos slapped Logan's ass.

Addie came running back in and I remembered that her hair needed to be made.

"C'mere, pumpkin, how do you want your hair?" I asked, squatting for her to come to me.

"Can you make it look like a puppy?"

"What? No," I laughed, tickling her. "How about just a princess bun to match your princess dress?"

"Yeah!"

Before I could even start, there was a knock at the door and Addie was gone. I swear, sometimes she's like a little puppy.

"Addie! You're hair!" I called, but it was too late- she was answering the door.

We all stepped out of the kitchen to watch, Logan hurrying to the door.

"Oh- hi…" James said to Addie, looking as beautiful as ever. I realized that he didn't even know that Addie existed.

"Hi, I'm Addie," Addie said happily as Logan stepped up behind her.

"Hi, Addie, I'm James," James said with a dazzling smile.

"That's my Logie. He loves you," Addie said, pointing up to Logan. I bet Logan blushed a little as James stepped in and hugged him, kissing his dimple.

"Is that your niece or something?" he asked as Logan closed the door.

"Yeah- my niece," Logan said brightly, taking James' hand as they approached us. James' eyes swept to me and quickly passed to Carlos as they stopped in front of us.

"You HAVE to be the infamous Carlos," James said charmingly.

"I am," Carlos said happily as James shook his hand.

"I've heard so much about you," James laughed. His eyes settled on me and his smile lowered, gaze flicking away.

Logan gave Carlos an uncomfortable look, having caught what James did, but of course Addie saved it.

"James, look, I drawed you a piture with my markers!" Addie said, stepping between James and I to hold the picture above her head. It was just one of a cat or something.

"Awe, man, that's so pretty!" James said, squatting down to take the picture. "Thanks, Addie!"

"Yeah, my daddy helped me with the kitty cause I can't draw kitties so good," Addie said apologetically.

"He did?"

"Yeah, I got marker all over my hands," Carlos laughed, holding out his hands, covered in magic marker. He always made a mess.

James' expression turned from happy to confused in milliseconds.

"Wait…"

I turned and went to the kitchen, suddenly deciding the sauce needed to be stirred. I had never mentioned Addie before and the fact that I have a child could help my case or make it worse.

"Yeah… Logan and Kenny never told you?" I heard Carlos laugh a little. "Addie's mine and Kenny's daughter."

"Um… No. I never heard of a daughter," James said uncomfortably.

"I'm adocted," Addie said smartly. We obviously weren't keeping it from her. Obviously she would figure out soon enough that she didn't pop out of one of us, but we also didn't want her to be upset when she DID find out. We wanted her to know from the start- her parents "couldn't take care of her" so we took her instead. We really had no idea what happened to her parents.

We had gotten the news that we were getting Addie on our wedding night. We both had our cell phones handy the whole night, awaiting the call saying that we were accepted for adoption and on the list for a baby. We didn't care what gender, but we were lucky to get a girl- girls were snatched up easy. We were so excited that we got on the mic and told the whole wedding and everyone toasted.

"ADOPTED, baby girl," Carlos corrected. "She's adopted. Obviously. Well, I mean, we didn't have a surrogate mother or anything."

"I couldn't imagine bright red hair and freckles coming from either of your gene pools anyway," James laughed, making everyone else giggle.

"Hm- that's not like Kenny- he usually brags about her all the time. Logie, too."

"I guess it just slipped their minds."

"I guess so. Kinda like my husband has slipped this conversation."

"He does that…"

I looked down into the pot of red sauce swirling with me wooden spoon. I knew that James was surprised that I had a daughter that I never mentioned- it was wrong of me not to tell him. That's sort of a big thing to not mention.

I jumped as I was poked- hard- in the shoulder. My head snapped to my left to see James, arms crossed, staring at me.

"What the hell?" he hissed. "A DAUGHTER? You never thought to mention that you had a kid?"

"I didn't think it mattered. Maybe now you'll stop being all googly-eyed toward me," I whispered angrily.

"That's a huge thing to 'forget to mention'. I think you meant to leave her out. Because you didn't want to scare me away romantically."

My head snapped his way, trying to act like he was wrong. I think we both knew he was right, though.

"What're you trying to pull? I know you're not into Logan," I hissed back.

"Maybe I wanted to see you."

"Well you can't! Because I have a daughter and a husband and I don't have time for your flirting," I whispered. "Just get outta my life and let Logan down easy."

"I'm not leaving you alone. That kiss was amazing and even if I can never have it again, I still wanna be your buddy," James murmured.

"No," I whispered, eyes hard.

* * *

I sat across from James, Carlos to my left across from Logan, and Addie between James and me at the round table. Addie, I was convinced, was in love with James.

"So Carlos, how have you been feeling since your surgery?" James asked.

"I'm doing okay," Carlos said over a mouthful of noodles. "I'm getting my stitches out the day after tomorrow, when I go for dialysis."

"Are you still sore?"

"Not too bad, but a little bit."

"It's always sad to hear that a person so young and loved had to go through something like that."

"Well I've got a support team," Carlos grinned. Dammit! James and Carlos can NOT hit it off! That means they'll be friends and I'll have to see James all the time.

But would that be too bad?

I had to admit- I had been staring at James for a while. Watching his mouth move like a hypnotist's pocket watch, gazing at his eyes darting when he talked, the way they scrunched up when he smiled or laughed. Damn what a genuine smile.

"So how did you and Logie meet?" Carlos asked, taking a sip of his water.

"We met the night that I took Kendall out. I brought him inside and Logan was here," James said cheerfully.

"Yeah, Kenny told me about that night."

James' smile dropped and his eyes averted to his food, twirling noodles around his fork. He said nothing else for a while, and I knew he wondered just how much I shared.

"James, will you play princess with me?" Addie asked after a while. "You can be the prince!"

James brightened up and gave my daughter a dazzling grin.

"I'd love to," he said.

"Ad, your bedtime is in an hour," Carlos reminded her. "You have school tomorrow."

"Oh yeah!"

"Where do you go to school?"

"I have kindy… kinder…"

"Kindergarten," Logan supplied.

"I have that at… Daddy, where's my school?" she asked me.

"Lewis Elementary," I said.

"Lewis," she said to James.

"I went there," James said brightly. "What teacher do you have?"

"Miss Caroline."

"I don't know her," James said, bummed that they didn't have the same teacher.

"Ad, you can't play with James unless you eat your spaghetti," I said sternly, realizing that she hadn't eaten much. She nodded and twirled noodles around her fork to shove in her mouth.

"So, James. What's YOUR deal? I don't know anything about you," Carlos said.

"I'm a model," James said. "Sorta. I haven't worked for a while, though."

"Oooooh, a model," Carlos purred, wiggling his brows at Logan and making Logan bite his lip ring in approval. "What kind?"

"My mom owns Brooke Diamond Cosmetics, so I model for her. I display the products and stuff."

"I think I've heard of her."

"Do you have an apartment?" Logan asked James.

"Yeah. I live at Heritage Hills," James said brightly.

"Heritage Hills? As in that huge apartment building with HUGE apartments?"

"Maybe you can come check it out tonight," James said deviously, but I knew he was praying Logan said no. Logan giggled and blushed, his eyes dropping to James' lips in the tell-tale sign that he was SO into him. Just as James did to me.

"Is it a big apartment?" Carlos asked, snapping them from their trance.

"Oh yeah," James said. "I've got two bedrooms- I use the other one for a workout room. I have a balcony and great appliances and a big bathroom and stuff."

I watched Logan give Carlos an excited look, which James didn't see. I loved Logan, I really did, and I hated to know that James was going to break his heart soon. Logan was really excited about possibly getting serious with James, but James wasn't even into him.

Carlos and Logan broke off into their own little conversation and James stared at me, eyes flirty and devious. I angrily shook my head and turned to wipe Addie's mouth and tell her to put her plate into the sink and wash up.

I felt James' foot caress mine and I jumped up angrily and stormed off to help Addie in the kitchen.

Soon I heard footsteps and Addie greet James. GREAT.

I rinsed Addie's plate in Logan's sink and found four more plates to be set on the counter.

"PLEASE leave me alone," I whispered to James.

"You can't hide how into me you are," he whispered back.

Damn, he was right. I had been watching James all night and YES, I was mad at him, but gosh he was hot.

I shot him a look and grabbed his shirt, shutting off the sink and pulling him to the bathroom, us invisible to the others in the dining area. I closed the door and pressed him against it, attacking his lips with mine.

Now that I was sober, I could really enjoy it.

His lips were so soft and perfect and his hands caressed my sides like they had been waiting for that moment forever.

I pulled away and whirled around, arms crossed.

"I hate you," I whispered over my shoulder. He manually turned me to him, grabbing my face and kissing me gently. His lips caressed my lower lip, sucking slightly. I had never been kissed that way, and I have to say it was pretty amazing.

He pulled away and somehow his tongue gained access to my mouth. Jeez, he tasted like sweet spaghetti sauce.

He lifted me to sit on the sink, his neck bent back now because of the height difference. His hands found my thighs and rubbed them up and down, then inward, getting a whimper out of me as he neared my… area.

Suddenly the door jiggled.

"Hurry, I have to pee!" I heard Addie call.

"Shit," I whispered, pushing him away and scrambling down from the sink.

"Just a sec, pumpkin!" I called, trying to figure out how to get out of here without everyone else seeing and being suspicious.

James pressed his shoulder to the door and held the knob, slowly unlocking the door without a click. He then went to get a bit of toilet paper and crumpled it up, wetting a corner and starting to rub the cloth on my shoulder with it.

"What're you-"

"HURRY!" Addie called, knocking on the door.

"Addie, the door is unlocked," James called back. "Just come in."

Addie opened the door and I turned my head to see her, Carlos behind her, staring at us. James didn't even look over, keeping up his act.

"What're you guys doing in here?" he asked.

"He got spaghetti sauce on his shirt and I was just helping him get the stain," James said simply, patting the wet spot with the dry part of the toilet paper. "Good as new."

I caught Carlos' eyes for a second before stepping away from James and to Addie to help her use the bathroom. I couldn't look my husband in the eyes after I just made out with James AND lied about it.

* * *

**Not sure why some of you seem confused or surprised at the Kames. Was it not clear enough in the summary? I swear I'm not trying to be a jerk, I genuinely wanna know what's up.**

**And I hope you guys also gathered that this could possibly end a tragedy on Carlos' part in the name of story telling. I don't want you guys to be mad if that happens, because personally I love tragedies. I hope if you ARE against that, you keep reading because it might not even happen.**


	7. Family Day and More News

**Dear Guest #1:**

**Thank you so much for what you said (explaining why Kames was unclear). It helped me a lot and it didn't offend me at all, so don't worry. It actually gave me a whole new and better perspective, because I wasn't thinking at all about everything you said about Kendall should only want sex from James and not really "fall in love" with him so fast. I wasn't thinking about that at all, and now I kinda see where I'm going a lot clearer, so thanks. :) And thanks for being polite about it, too.**

* * *

It was a long drive to the aquarium- a whole hour. We were almost there, though, and I could feel Addie's and Carlos' excitement building. I have to be honest- I love the aquarium, too. Maybe we would even be able to see a shark feeding or a seal training session.

"What are you excited to see, Ad?" Carlos asked, twisted in his seat to look back at her. She was coloring in her coloring book in her car seat, her wild red hair tamed a little beneath her white toboggan hat.

"I like the seals," she said happily. "Do they have puppyfish?"

"I don't think so," Carlos laughed.

"Maybe they would have black noses and floppy ears and their tongues would hang out and they would go 'RUFF! RUFF!' and all the other fishes would be scared," Addie said, black eyes bright.

"Not the sharks, though."

"Sharks are scary. They have big teeth like this-" Addie pulled back her teeth and jutted out her bottom jaw to show her "shark teeth". I knew it would only be a matter of time before she started to lose teeth, and I thought that was funny. "And they eat up all the little fishes like 'gobble gobble!' and they scare all the baby fishes, but not the daddy fishes, cause Nemo's daddy isn't afraid of the sharks."

"Fish are friends, not food," I recited with a smirk.

"Ad, did you get enough of a nap? I don't want you to be tired in the aquarium," Carlos said sternly.

"I sleeped after lunch," Addie said as she dropped her crayons on the floor of the van and closed her coloring book to drop it, too. It was a mess back there, and Logan and Carlos did nothing to help it- they only added to the mess when they were back there. I gave up trying to keep it clean a LONG time ago.

"You SLEPT after lunch."

"And I won't be tired at the a-care-ium cause I'll be too excited!" Addie said, brushing off her father's annoying habit- as usual.

"Okay, but when I end up carrying you, I'll be mad," I said sternly, looking at her in the mirror.

"I'm not tired."

"Ooookay," Carlos sang.

"How come Logie isn't here?" Addie asked, looking to her right for to find no Logan in his usual seat.

"Cause it's just you and me and Daddy," Carlos said happily. "And Logie went to James' house- James said he needed to… TALK… To Logie."

"What? He did?" I asked, confused. I knew what that meant- James was going to break it off romantically with Logan, and I was glad- Logan shouldn't get too attached.

"Yeah. I just hope it's not the talk I'm thinking of," Carlos sighed.

"Maybe they're talking about making me a party!" Addie said excitedly.

"A party? For what, silly girl? Your birthday isn't until May!" I laughed.

"A party for… Learning all my colors!"

"That's right, you DO know all your colors," Carlos said with equal enthusiasm. "Are we gonna practice at the aquarium?"

"I'm not so good at them."

"That's why we practice!"

That's my husband- making every fun thing educational. I guess Addie needed it- she was a little slower at learning than the other kids. I guess because she spends all her time thinking up what I could be doing at work or whatever goes through her mind.

Carlos, I knew, would take forever going through the aquarium because he likes to read the information about the animals in the tanks and tell us fascinating facts. I don't do that. No- I like to just go through and LOOK- I wouldn't remember facts anyway.

* * *

I was having a fun time carrying Addie around to the little fish tanks and watching her eyes light up. She was too short to really see a lot of the tanks, and I was glad that it wasn't overly crowded like on the weekends, or there would be people at every tank.

"What color is that?" I asked, pointing to the little seahorses.

"Ummm… Can I have a hint?"

"Oraaaaa," I started the word.

"Orange!"

"You're spoiling her," Carlos smirked, stepping up beside us. "You're not supposed to give her the answer."

"Are you feeling better?" I asked. He had sat down on a bench a while ago, telling me he felt kind of feverish and to go on- he didn't want Addie to worry about him.

"I guess," he shrugged unsurely. "I just haven't felt right for a few months."

"Months? Why are you just now bringing this up?"

"It's nothing. What else would you expect when you don't have kidneys?"

I gave him an unconvinced look and Addie wiggled to get down. I gently put her on her feet and she went to the huge tank, three sea lions inside. Carlos wove his fingers with mine and laid his cheek on my shoulder as we watched the seahorses wrap their tails around the plants and fight the artificial current.

"Do you miss Logan?" I asked.

"Yeah. But it's so good to spend time with just my hubby and my daughter, you know?"

"Mm-hm."

"I don't get to say this enough, but you're the best. I know you weren't expecting me to start breaking down till we're old, but you're the best support team captain I can find," he said, moving his head to lay his chin on my shoulder. "And I know you're horny as hell, so thanks for putting up with that, too."

"I'm the team captain?" I asked in mock excitement.

"You're the only one of the three that has a head on his shoulders at all," Carlos grinned, melting my heart. I hadn't really seen him smile like that to me in a long time. He smiled a lot- all genuine- but he had a special smile for me that I hadn't gotten in a long time. I started for a kiss, but got interrupted. "Don't kiss me- I don't want you to get my sick."

I smirked and kissed his forehead instead.

"I don't think insanity is contagious, honey," I whispered mischievously.

"Daddy, look, the seal is doing tricks in the water and the lady is feeding it fishes!" Addie squealed excitedly.

* * *

It was my turn to be nervous at the hospital this time.

We were there for a follow-up appointment, and Carlos had to have blood drawn and a CAT scan done and all this jazz. Of course they were serious about it- he had had cancer before.

Finally the doctor came into our little curtained room, us on the bed watching TV. The TV was turned off and the doctor sat in his swivel chair. Carlos and I sat up.

"I know you've been through a lot, Mr. Knight, and it's horrible that you're still so young," the doctor said seriously to Carlos. "Luckily, what I'm about to tell you does not require surgery."

"What?" I demanded.

"Easy," Carlos said in astonishment.

"Carlos, the cancer has spread to your blood and maybe even other places."

"So…"

"You have acute leukemia- the effects have already started happening. I suspect you've been feeling ill lately? Bruising and bleeding easily? Feeling tired and weak?"

"Are you FUCKING kidding me? Can't he have a break?" I demanded. I had been expecting this news for a while now- something else was wrong with my husband, I knew it couldn't be over. Why Carlos? He was the last person to ever deserve this. Why not me? I'm bigger, I can take this. But I worry about my tiny husband, who's too sweet for his own good.

"Just hold it for a little longer," Carlos whispered to me as we walked down the hallway hand-in-hand. "Don't break anything here."

"I don't want to break something. I want to curl up in a ball and die," I whispered absently. Anger was my second stage of being upset, and that wouldn't come until later. Right now I was shocked and crushed.

"Don't do that. I need you now more than ever."

I hated that Carlos was the one with this horrible disease and HE was comforting ME. It should be the other way around. I was glad that he wasn't as upset as I expected, but I think I was emotional enough for both of us.


	8. Emotional And Exhausted

Carlos had asked me to take Addie out that night- he was yet to tell Logan about the leukemia and knew that they would need to be alone.

I had asked James to meet us at Dairy Queen- I needed a friend. I was having a hard time being able to grasp that this didn't mean death for Carlos at all- lots of people got the disease. I needed a distraction- an adult from the outside to look in and tell me what he thought.

We sat at a booth waiting for James, my arm over the back of the booth with Addie beside me, chomping on her crazy chocolate blizzard. I had just gotten fries- I wasn't in the mood for ice cream. I knew Carlos wouldn't be happy that I gave her sugar so close to her bedtime, but I liked to spoil her sometimes.

"When will James be here?" Addie asked, looking up at me with chocolate all over her pale and freckled skin.

"Soon."

"Why are you sad?"

I wasn't sure how much I should tell Addie, or if Carlos wanted us to talk to her about it together, but I knew I had to tell her the truth, even if it was minimal. I didn't like to lie to her, and when I SHOULD, I watered down the truth. Like now.

"Cause Daddy's sick again," I said, my hand hanging down to stroke her hair. "And I'm worried about him."

Addie twisted her lips, black eyes sad.

"I don't like it when he's sick. It makes me sad, too." I knew that she didn't understand the extent of his disease. In her mind, Daddy had the flu or a stomach virus. She didn't get the dangers Carlos was facing and how much treatment he needed or any of that, and that's the way I wanted it. Just as her crazy imagination could be used positively, like always, she could use it negatively. I could see her imagining Carlos dying and it scaring her a lot.

"Me, too, pumpkin," I sighed. "But we'll all get through it together, and it'll be okay."

"Maybe the medicine will fight the germs away, like in that movie."

"'Osmosis Jones'," I nodded. "Maybe that'll happen."

"'Cept Daddy's medicine will have swords and they're gonna use shields so the germs can't hurt them," Addie said. "And they'll have horses and cannons."

I grinned, loving that she could cheer me up without even meaning to.

"I love you, Ad," I smiled.

"I love YOU," she said cutely and gave me a chocolaty kiss before rubbing her nose with mine. The Eskimo kisses were something that Carlos started- he did it to me a lot when we were younger, then he started to do it with Addie and she loved it.

"Oh- can I get one of those?" Came a familiar voice and we looked up to see James standing there, winking at me.

"James!" Addie stood in the booth and hugged him.

"Hey, stinker. Long time, no see," he grinned, ruffling her wild hair.

"I forgot to make you a piture," Addie said apologetically.

"That's okay, I'll see you again," he said as Addie sat again. "I'm gonna go get a Blizzard."

I watched him go, feeling a little guilty for letting my eyes drop to his ass. Addie jumped up and ran to catch up, taking his hand and surprising him. He looked back and I grinned supportively as they reached the counter.

I knew it was SO wrong to be into James. I was happily married. BUT, my husband has been really sick and not really returning much affection. I hear that chemotherapy lessens if not takes away all sex drive. Carlos gave me other types of affection- hugs and kisses and smiles and cuddles, which I loved. But every time I try to start something in bed, Addie comes in or Logan calls or Carlos shrugs me away and says that he's not in the mood. And trust me- if Carlos isn't in the mood, it isn't happening. Sex to me is an important thing in love- and it isn't happening.

We had, of course, gone distances without it, like when we first adopted Addie and when Logan's father died and Carlos was rarely home, and when Addie started to be a toddler and being a mess. But we had never gone this long without it. It's obviously not so important to him- he usually just agrees to it because I want it.

They returned a while later, James with a big blizzard. He sat beside me, Addie across from us, taking her own ice cream back, which was melty by now.

"Where's YOUR ice cream?" James asked me, so close our thighs touched. I didn't mind so much that I was trapped and couldn't control how close we sat.

"I'm not in the mood," I shrugged indifferently. "I need to talk to you."

I figured I could tell James about this here- Addie wouldn't have the slightest clue what I was talking about. Besides, she had gotten her hands on a coloring page and crayons from the front.

James' face turned serious as his lips closed around the red spoon as he slowly pulled it out.

"Los is sick again," I said lowly, facing forward again and looking down at my fingers as I started to tear up a fry.

"Oh, no," James murmured.

"They found cancer in his blood and bone marrow. It's leukemia."

"Is that bad?" Addie asked me, looking up at me from her picture.

"It'll be okay, Ad, I promise," I said, and she nodded and shoved a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. I knew I shouldn't promise things at this point, but in my mind, it'll always be okay. No matter what happens, life goes on, happiness is restored. Eventually. Not that I'm saying I wouldn't be destroyed if something awful happened to my Carlos.

I looked over to see James, elbow on the table and head in his hand, staring at me, searching my face.

"I'm just sorta panicking," I said, rubbing my face tiredly.

"Don't panic. You just promised your little girl that it would be okay. And it will be," James said, his hand rubbing soothingly, not sexually, up and down my leg. I shouldn't have gotten turned on by that, especially under the circumstances, but I couldn't help it.

"I love him," I said, more to myself than him. "And I'm so tired of him being sick. Why not me?"

"There's a reason behind everything."

James could see me start to get upset and he hugged me loosely.

"You can't let her see you cry," James whispered in my ear. "It'll freak her out."

I turned my head so that our cheeks were touching. I knew he was expecting me to whisper something back, but I was just enjoying the contact for a second.

"Is it selfish to say that I'm horny as hell lately?" I finally whispered.

"I don't think so," he answered, his hand sliding up my thigh, lightly over my zipper, and to my stomach.

"What does that mean?" Addie asked, not looking up. "That you're growing horns? Like a cow?"

James smirked and lightly kissed my ear before pulling away, being sure that she didn't see. Addie didn't know what was okay to say and what wasn't, so there was no doubt in my mind that she would say something to Carlos or Logan if she saw us kiss.

"Yeah, but he has medicine for it," he answered, taking a chunk of his ice cream and eating it.

"And it won't get better. He'll have to get chemo and chemo takes away all… Drive," I said carefully. I knew James assumed I was talking about my issue, not Carlos' sickness. "He won't want to."

I watched James' eyes flash to his ice cream, trying to analyze if I was hinting at something or what. Was I? Probably. I was exhausted and emotional- I could have said anything I wanted and gotten away with it.

"Kendall… You just found out that your husband is really sick," he said, turning to me. I knew what he meant. _What the hell are you thinking? This is NOT the time! _Was what those eyes said.

"I'm tired of being sad," I said softly, not wanting Addie to hear. "I've been crying all day and I'm exhausted. I want to be HAPPY, or at least distracted."

James smiled a little and nodded.

"Then let's go out again," he suggested. "To somewhere normal. We could go ice skating. Or to a movie. Or just… To my place."

I laughed a little, shaking my head.

"Can I come?" Addie asked excitedly.

"Not this time, baby girl," I said. She jutted out a chocolaty bottom lip and turned back to her work as I turned back to James."How about we just see where the wind takes us?"

James flashed me a grin to kill.

"Okay."

"Are you taking Logie and Daddy?" Addie asked angrily, like we would take them and purposefully exclude her.

"No, pumpkin, we're just having a friends day," I explained. She twisted her lips, unsure if she trusted me or not, and I smirked and turned thoughtfully to James. "Speaking of Logan, have you talked to him about…?"

"Yeah. But we're not here to talk about my problems."

"Did he cry?"

"No," James laughed. "He just told me that he's not mad and that he expects to be seeing me a lot anyway, because me and you are friends. And he told me that if I move in on you, he'll castrate me."

"Hope you don't value your jewels," I smirked.

"He scares me. We're risking a lot just by sitting so close. I know how protective he is of Carlos, and I feel like he might really try to castrate me…"

"There's nothing for him to find out about," I shrugged.

"I've been friends with benefits before," James almost whispered, leaning over. It could be bad if Addie heard that title and repeated it at home. "It's never ended well."

"Friends with benefits" sounds like such a dirty title to me. Friends that get to have sex, or just kiss and be touchy. Mainly the sex, though.

I took in a deep breath. This talk had stressed me out more than relieved me.

"Please, James, can you refrain from being another conflict in my life right now?" I asked pitifully. James hesitated, watching Addie color with meticulous eyes.

"You're right. I'm your friend- I'm here for you. But I can't be held accountable if anything bad happens," he finally said. "I'll follow your lead."

"Thank you," I nodded.

* * *

James had parked beside me. I buckled Addie into her car seat and left the door open as I opened James' passenger side door. The windows were tinted- Addie couldn't see a thing.

I stabilized with my knee in the passenger seat as I leaned in. James grinned and I kissed him.

"Keep me updated," he said.

"Kay." I kissed him again. Jeez, he tasted good. Like ice cream and cherry Chapstick.

"How does Friday work for you?"

"I can squeeze you in. How about noon?"

"Okay."

I kissed him again before getting out of the car and closing the door.

* * *

I tucked Addie in and went to find Carlos and Logan, finding them in our bed. They were lying down, facing one another, faces inches apart, Logan's arm over my husband's waist as they spoke.

Carlos twisted to look at me and he smiled a little, reaching out for me. He rolled over as I lay casually beside him, smoothing down his hair as he cuddled into me.

"Where did you go?" he asked.

"Dairy Queen."

"You gave Ad sugar?" he groaned.

"She fell asleep in the car, surprisingly. I called James to meet us there- to talk," I said as he pulled away to look up at me.

"Yeah? You guys are okay again?"

"Yeah. He apologized for what happened and told me he wanted to be friends again," I lied. "He says he's sorry to hear about you."

"He's sweet," Carlos melted. "Too sweet for Logie- it wouldn't have worked out anyway," he added with a smirk. Logan giggled and punched his back. His eyes were raw and red, tissues littering the bed.

"Addie loves him, too," I said.

"He's a great guy- I'm glad he's your friend. Just keep your hands off."

"Of course," I lied and he grinned and scooted up to kiss me. He was always so cute and sweet and romantic, and I loved it. He always focused on Logan and Addie, knowing I was at his flank at all times, but a lot of the time, he turned over his shoulder to give me a sweet kiss and made sure I knew that I meant so much to him, I just needed less of his attention.

After a few more kisses, Carlos pulled away, looking confused.

"You taste like cherry Chapstick," he said. I froze, knowing that he knew that none of us used cherry Chapstick.

"James lent me some," I lied. Of course I got the taste from James' lips.

"What?" Logan snapped, propping himself up defensively on an elbow.

"What?" I snapped back. "You KISS my husband, and I can't use my friend's Chapstick?"

"Your HUSBAND is my brother," Logan growled. "You barely know James."

"Oh, fuck you, Logan," I retorted.

"Hey! Everyone just chill!" Carlos snapped in amazement.

"Los, stop being an idiot and open your eyes!" Logan growled. "Can't you see what's going on?"

"Don't tell me I'm being an idiot," Carlos retorted. "Kenny finally has a friend and you're trying to turn it into something it's not. Don't be a bitch."

I could tell that Logan would be a problem…

He pressed his lips together and angrily, plopped back down, giving me the death stare. I felt like Logan could see the lies in my eyes.

"We're all emotional and exhausted. Let's just sleep," Carlos said calmly.

"Do I get my bed alone with my husband, or do I have to share that with Logan, too?" I spat. Frankly, I WAS tired and emotional, and I was done with Logan's shit. I wanted Carlos to myself once in a while.

"Okay, fine, I'll sleep on the couch," Carlos growled, making to climb over me. "You two girls fight it out."

"Los, come on. I'm leaving," Logan sighed weakly. I looked over to see that he was trying not to cry, and suddenly I felt horrible. I loved Logan and I hated to make him upset- I just wanted to give him hugs and kiss his forehead. We butted heads a lot, but the fact of the matter was that I had known him for a long time and he was my friend and sort of my brother-in-law. He took care of Addie and entertained her when we needed, and he kept Carlos happy, too. I loved him to death.

Carlos sighed and sat on my lower stomach in the midst of climbing over me, giving me a "I hope you're happy" look.

"You can stay, Loge," I said apologetically. I was surprised- I rarely ever won a fight with Logan.

"No, you're right. I need to give you guys your space," Logan said, not even looking at us. One pro about Logan: he was incredibly intelligent and understanding.

"Thanks for understanding, baby," Carlos said, surprising me that he was on my team with this. "Love yoooou."

Logan smiled a little and got up. We watched him slip his shoes on and exit the room and I sighed and rubbed my face. I was just so tired of Logan ALWAYS being there. I loved him, but I needed a break. I wanted more time with just my husband and daughter. I don't know how Carlos spends so much time with him.

"Don't feel bad," Carlos said softly, hands running up and down my stomach and chest.

"I just hate to see him sad."

"He's not sad. He's upset that he's in a bad place and he can't be with me to get through it."

"He took the news hard?"

"Yeah… It was really difficult," Carlos sighed, twisting his lips. I looked up at him and ran my hands up his thighs and into the backs of his PJ pants, making him smirk. "How can you be horny at a time like this?"

"C'mon. Once before your chemo starts?"

Carlos grinned and bent to press his warm lips to my collarbone.

"I know it's been hard on you," he said sarcastically. "Poor Kenny's gone more than a few weeks untouched."

"Excuse me, it's been MONTHS."

"Poor baby."

"I know," I sighed, basking in his kisses.

His fingertips ran ever-so-lightly through my hair, down my jaw and neck, and unbuttoned my pants, sitting on my thighs. Carlos had this special way of seduction- being gentle and giving you what you want in tiny doses, making you want more. But sometimes he just threw himself at you and that was that.

I hissed and slightly squeezed his ass as his fingers dove into my underwear and lightly gripped what I had wanted him to touch all this time. He bit his lip and grinned, knowing he was cute as all hell.

Gosh, it was finally happening. I was being touched.

Yeah, of course, that didn't last long.

"Daddy?" Addie said softly, entering the room and rubbing her sleepy eyes. I sighed impatiently and Carlos smirked at me, hand still in my pants as mine slid from his.

"What's up, baby girl?" he asked, his thumb lightly running up and down in my pants, driving me nuts because the touch wasn't quite hard enough.

"My night light went out."

Carlos sighed in a "this is my life" way and pulled his hand from my pants, swinging his leg from one side of me to go to our daughter.

Needless to say, I didn't get lucky with a five-year-old sleeping between us.


	9. Relationships Breaking

**So I literally changed this chapter at least four times. My thoughts for this story were a mess, and I still don't know if I have what I want for it. Every time I thought I had something I wanted to finalize, I would get a new review that changed my mind or I would think too hard about it and change everything. BUT I hope that no matter what I choose and no matter how you feel about it, you still read and accept that it's my story- JUST a story, at that- and try not to demand one outcome or another.**

**That being said, I think I've made the right decision and I hope you like it. :)**

* * *

"It wasn't so bad," Carlos said weakly, trying to sound peppy, looking so small and fragile in his hospital bed. "They put an IV in my arm and I had to stay there for a while."

"Did it hurt?" Logan asked, dark eyes dull and absent.

"Not really."

Even Addie was silent, curled up in Carlos' arm, looking like she might burst into tears at any moment. It was a gloomy day for the Knight's and Logan. The day Carlos was admitted to the hospital and started chemotherapy.

"I drawed you a piture, but Daddy said it was too scary to give to you," Addie said quietly. Carlos' face screwed up in concern.

Addie had, as always, drawn a picture for Carlos to bring to him that morning. What she drew really concerned me- normal little girls don't think to draw a big black blob with sharp teeth killing off pills who had swords and shields.

"I thought you said that Daddy's medicine will kill off the germs," I had said, staring at the morbid and bloody picture, drawn with crayons.

"I'm scared they won't, though," she had said. I wouldn't let her take the picture to Carlos- it would scare him. But I DID need to talk to him about it.

Soon Logan took Addie to find the cafeteria.

I got up and sat beside my husband, taking him under my arm.

"So how're you really feeling?" I asked softly.

"Not bad. I swear."

I nodded, dreading the day he was too weak to sit up and hold Addie, hair thin or gone, getting sick with everything he eats.

"What did Ad draw?" he asked.

"A monster killing pills. Very brutally with a lot of blood. She told me she was afraid that the medicine wouldn't kill your sickness…"

Carlos was silent.

"I think she needs help," I said softly. "That's not something a normal five-year-old draws. Especially not Addie."

"She doesn't need a therapist, Kenny," Carlos snapped. "It's just a hard day for her and she doesn't even know what's going on. She'll be back to normal tomorrow."

It was my turn to be silent. Carlos rarely ever snapped at anyone, much less me. I didn't want to fight back, obviously, so I sat in shock.

"She's not CRAZY, Kenny," Carlos said, softer this time, looking up at me. "She's creative. And she was finding a way to express her fears to us. That's what she does- Addie finds ways to express herself through her imagination."

I guess he had a point. She WAS really creative, and maybe she didn't really know how to tell me that she was afraid that Daddy was dying, because she didn't know she felt that way.

"Art's good for her- she likes it and it helps her. Don't blow this up," Carlos said.

"Kay," I nodded softly.

"But I love that you're worried. But leave that to me. I'm the Mommy, you're the Daddy."

"But you're not worrying."

"Because there's no reason to. Now can I have some kisses or what?"

* * *

I think that Logan was onto me. Then again, he always thinks I'm up to SOMETHING.

"Your husband's going through chemotherapy and you're having fun with your friend?" Logan growled as I put my coat on.

"God DAMN, Logan! We're friends! And Los WANTS me to go!"

"You don't deserve Los."

"How could you say that?" I was taken aback, staring at him. He had never even implied that. He always loved that we were together and that Carlos was happy. Sure- we fought a lot behind the scenes, but he had never EVER said THAT.

"I love you to bits, honey, but he's too sweet and loving for you. If he's going through the roughest patch of his life and he can't count on his husband to be there to help him through, why does he deserve such shit? It's time for you to grow up," Logan hissed, stepping close to me, eyes hard black coals.

"If my daughter wasn't sitting right there, Logan, I would-"

"You would WHAT, Kendall? WHAT?" he retorted, getting even more in my face. I knew I couldn't do anything to Logan- he was too small, yet I think he might be able to kick my ass. "I'm sick of raising your daughter for you. You can't go out with your buddy when you have a sick husband and a daughter to take care of."

"Why don't you just get the FUCK outta my family? I didn't ask for you! You're not LETTING me be a father, not LETTING me be a husband, not LETTING me do anything!"

"Fine!" Logan yelled, shoving me aside so he could go to the door. "YOU figure out what to do with Addie while you're out fucking your boyfriend! Don't cry to me when you actually have to take care of your family, ASSHOLE!"

"Good! You should go home- haven't been THERE for a few years!" I retorted.

I knew he was wrong and I was right. I was perfectly able to take care of Addie by myself! And he knew I was right about him not letting me be the dad, and that's why he got so upset.

"Logie!" Addie whined, running past me to hug his legs. Logan's eyes softened as he looked down at my daughter. "Don't go! We have to paint!"

Logan shot me a look to kill before squatting down and hugging Addie, kissing her hair.

"I have to go home- your daddy told me so," he said softly.

"But I want you here."

"Be good."

"Will you be here tomorrow?"

"Nope."

Addie accepted this without question and Logan kissed her before leaving.

It wasn't until Addie turned with tears in her eyes did I realize my mistake. Addie was under too much unexplained pressure. Her father was in the hospital, looking like death, and she didn't know the extent of his disease. Her beloved uncle just left her with no explanation. Now she was alone in this house with only one father, when she was used to two Daddies and an Uncle Logie.

I picked her up and wiped her tears with my hands, peppering her face with kisses.

"Let's go paint, baby," I said softly.

* * *

I gave James the death stare as he painted pink paint up and down Addie's hand, grinning. Great, now she knew that she could use other things to paint with and it would be a mess.

I had told James the story about Logan and he told me not to feel bad- Logan thought the world of me and wouldn't be mad for too long. He also told me that I had to be persistent and not let him take over again.

"Daddy, look!" Addie said, eyes bright, showing me the hand print she made on the cardboard box. James had suggested we paint the box and fill it with things for Carlos in the hospital. It was a great idea- I would have never thought of it.

I grinned and kissed her hair, loving how excited she was. She was in a mopey mood all day, and somehow James brought her out of that funk.

After a long time of her and me pressing hand prints all over the box, I realized that it was 9 o'clock- past her bedtime by half an hour.

"Let's go get cleaned up, Pumpkin, you have to go to bed," I sang, getting up, careful not to get green paint anywhere from my hands.

I pulled a chair up to the kitchen sink and helped her wash the paint from her hands, the colors swirling down the drain in a mixture of pink, green, blue, and yellow. James didn't do anything on the box- he said it should be something special from Addie and me.

After I put Addie to bed (she had to hug James goodnight first) I returned to the kitchen to find him laying a piece of computer paper on the counter.

"I painted this for you guys," he said, as I neared. I looked up at him first, then down to the breathtaking painting on the counter. It was Addie, red spirals of hair wild, streaks of orange through the flames. She was grinning ear to ear as she pressed a paintbrush to some object. It perfectly represented her, not only in the hair, freckles, black eyes, and heart-melting grin, but also in that he incorporated her art.

"Oh my god," I said. It came out repulsed, but really I was just surprised at how good the portrait was.

"Like it?"

"How'd you learn to do that?"

"I used to have a neighbor who was an artist when I was a kid. She taught me."

"That's amazing, Jame," I said, looking up at him. He smirked and shrugged.

"You've gotta beautiful little girl to inspire me."

I smiled a little and looked back at the picture.

"You're still worried about Logan, aren't you?" he asked.

"Yeah. He's a huge part of Los' and Addie's lives… And I kicked him out," I sighed. "And he's an asshole to me a lot of the time, but we love each other all the same…"

"Carlos'll sort this all out for you."

"He'll make us apologize and hug it out or something," I laughed, shaking my head.

"How is he?"

"He got his first chemo treatment today. He's trying to be positive for us, but I can tell he's scared outta his mind."

"Are you scared for him?"

"Yeah. I'm really scared."

James put a soothing arm around my back, rubbing my bicep.

"Everything happens for a reason," he reminded me.

"You can't say that about my husband's death, though," I said, looking up at him. He was silent, and I could tell that a part of him wanted Carlos gone. Maybe not by DEATH, but just not a worry in my mind anymore.

"I wish I could have what he has with you," he said, confirming my hypothesis.

I didn't know what I could say to him about that, so instead I leaned in to press a kiss to his lips.

"I'm not holding you down- you can go out and find that with anyone else," I said softly, his sweet breath warm on my face.

"But they're not you."

I didn't want James to be emotionally attached to me. I was married.

I was married.

MARRIED.

What was I thinking?

I loved my husband! And I'm standing here, waiting for this god of a man to touch me?

I quickly turned away and stared at the picture he painted. I didn't know what to do at that point.

I was MARRIED.

MARRI-

James broke through my thoughts and tilted my chin up to press a firm kiss to my lips. I lifted my hands to push him away by his chest, but his arm wrapped around my lower back and pulled me closer, melting my hands into his shirt instead.

All traces of conscience left- his smell, his warmth, his taste, was hypnotizing me.

His big hands lightly gripped my thighs and lifted me to sit on the counter. My own hands trailed up from his shirt to his hair, gripping as his magical lips moved to my neck.

The reasonable me knew that there was SOMETHING I should be considering right then, but my mind was too cloudy and focused on those damn kisses to carry the thoughts any further.

"I get tested every few months," James said, breath driving me nuts on my skin. "I'm clean."

I pulled his face away and stared at him, brows knitted.

"How often do you do this?" I asked, shocked.

"Well… I'm a model. A BISEXUAL model. I don't refrain from it."

I don't know what it was that seemed to upset me about the last few seconds. Why should I care that he had a lot of sex? He said he was clean, and that's all that matters. My mind flashed to his and Logan's first date. Logan was so excited that they had made out and "touched", whatever that meant. I started to question whether I would even know if they had sex. James would tell me, right? Or Carlos would… Right? There's no way they did it without me knowing. RIGHT?

"Wow. I just turned you WAY off, didn't I?"

I guess some of it had to do with the fact that Carlos was a virgin until we had been dating for half a year. He was TRYING to wait until marriage, but let's face it, I'm a horny bastard and wouldn't wait that long. We dated for a year before I proposed, then planned the wedding for another year, and I was about to explode after six months of being with him.

"No," I lied. "I've had a lot of sex, too."

"You're clean?"

"I was a good boy and used protection," I said, a bit of venom dripping from my voice.

"You're so turned off," James muttered.

I was ready to let him go from my grasp, but then I tasted that damn cherry Chapstick on my lips. I realized how much I had lingered onto that once simple touch that Carlos had given me that night we were GOING to get nasty, but Addie interrupted. I was pathetic!

I pulled James' face back to mine hungrily. I needed that touch again- that one AT LEAST.

"I need you," I whispered. "I don't care how or where or under which circumstances, but right NOW."

He grinned and bit his lip, giving me a mischievous look. He picked me up again and carried me to the bedroom as I kissed his neck- Jesus, he tasted so good- and sucked a hickey on the crook of his shoulder.

He sat me on my feet and pulled my t-shirt over my head, then his own. Yes! It's happening!

He got to his knees and kissed my stomach as he unbuttoned my pants and pulled them and my boxers down. He stared ahead at me, like he was contemplating whether he was ready to go all the way and do this. I didn't want to hesitate anymore. I was about to jizz myself right then and there.

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer, forcing his mouth open and me into it.

Carlos' mouth is much smaller than his, and therefore much tighter. I don't think James' would have felt so good if he wasn't such an expert at what he was doing. He sucked his cheeks in, all traces of hesitation gone.

I hissed at the contact, my fingers curling into his hair.

His head was bobbing too damn slow- didn't he know how in need of this I was?

I jammed myself into his mouth, catching him by surprise, but he was still as I did as I pleased. He hummed here and there, making his mouth and throat vibrate and driving me nuts, making me cry out.

I grunted as I slipped myself all the way down his throat, James taking it like a champ and barely gagging, reminding me that he was a bit of a whore after all. I groaned, head to the ceiling, as he pulled me out and bobbed his head.

Neither of us noticed Addie open the door.

"Daddy? Are you hurt?" she was asking, but paused when she saw us, cocking her head in confusion.

"Fuck," James hissed scrambling back, falling, and getting up. I pulled my pants up, staring carefully at Addie, waiting for her to talk.

"Was he biting your thing?" she asked in astonishment. "Are you hurt?"

I had no idea what to say or do. I looked to James for help, but he was slipping his shirt on quickly.

Addie just stared at me, waiting for an answer.

"Um…"

"I think I'm gonna throw up," James said quickly, walking briskly past Addie, making her cower away.

"I'll call Logie to make him go," Addie said but I sped forward to grip her pale wrist and squat before her.

"Listen to me, Ad. Look me in my eyes," I said seriously, waiting for her black eyes on mine. "You can't tell ANYONE about this. Okay?"

"But he hurt you."

"If you tell anyone, Logie'll hurt James," I said seriously. "Do you want that?"

"But James hurt you."

"Addison Riley."

Addie's eyes searched mine, brows knitted. She wanted to trust me, but she was so dead set on believing that James was "biting my thing" and that wasn't okay by her. I wasn't worried about what she saw- she had no idea what that was. And so what that she saw my "thing"? She's seen enough dong to last a lifetime. I mean, how else would Carlos take showers while I was at work? He had to bring her with him. And I'm not modest- I've walked out of our bathroom naked a few times to find Addie in the bed watching a movie with Carlos. It's no big deal- she's five and living with three gay men. There's no hiding it. No, I was most worried about her absence of word filters, and her telling Logan or Carlos.

"Do you understand?" I asked. She finally nodded. "Okay. Go back to bed."

"I wanna stay and protect you."

I picked her up and lay her in Carlos' side of the bed before going to find James. But James wasn't there, nor was his coat.

* * *

It was about midnight when I got the texts. Two of them, within seconds of each other. It didn't matter- I was wide awake, clutching a sleeping Addie to me, playing out scenarios where she told Carlos or Logan what she saw.

I rolled a little to pick up my phone.

_Text from: James_

_Text from: Los :)_

I opened James' first, afraid of what it might say.

_Don't call me or text me anymore. It's for the best. If Addie blabs, tell him that I took advantage of you. Bye, Kendall._

"Fucking SHIT," I hissed through clenched teeth. It WAS for the best that we never see one another again, but I didn't want that. I liked James as a friend, too- he was understanding and good at distracting me from my emotions. Plus Addie loved him to bits.

_Don't do this, _I texted back. _We don't have to do anything else if you don't want. Please just don't disappear._

As I waited for a response that, by the way, never came, I looked at Carlos' text. And what he said made my heart flutter, explode, and stop all at once, with just a few words.

_Cnt sleep, just wanted to say I luv u :) _

"Fuck," I whispered, blinking away tears. How could I do this to him?

_I love you more. :) Try to catch some Z's, you need it. I'll come see you tomorrow- just you n me._

After sending the text, I locked my phone and buried my nose in Addie's curls. She didn't have that baby smell anymore, which sort of bummed me out.

I said it in my vows- I would never be unfaithful.

I wasn't sure if technically I had been or not, but in my mind I was. In my mind, just kissing James was cheating. I almost had sex with him, too. But I didn't. I knew that if or when Carlos found out, he would be upset. I belonged to him- all of me- and he made sure I knew that. He would be destroyed that I let another man go so far with me.

I gripped my wedding ring on my left hand and started to twist furiously. I fucked up.

I had never taken this ring off since the wedding. Never. And right now it was twisting toward my knuckle. I wasn't sure if I would tell Carlos or not. Maybe someday, but right now he has enough stress in his life. I can't add to that.

My phone buzzed and I looked at the text that my husband sent me.

_Yay! I luv Los-Kenny-alone-time. Cnt wait. ;) ;) Luv u, bby. Nite._

My lip quivered out of control and I pushed the ring back down to the web of my finger before putting the phone back on the night stand.

Addie grumbled in her sleep and rolled in my arms to cuddle into my chest. I kissed her forehead and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep that never came.


	10. Torn To Peices

For once, Carlos was in great spirits.

I meant to visit him alone, but Logan sent me an angry text half an hour ago telling me that I had to pick Addie up from school, because I'm the dad now, remember? So I had to bring Addie along. She was asleep on my shoulder now- she normally fell asleep after school.

"Hey, baby," Carlos grinned happily, pushing his tray of food, connected to his bed by a movable arm, away. He didn't seem to mind that we didn't get "Los-Kenny-alone-time".

"Hey," I smiled a little. I was going to sit in the chair, but he scooted and patted the spot beside me. I sat beside him, holding Addie's sleeping form.

"I get some alone time with my hubby?" he asked excitedly as I leaned to kiss him, offering him the single red rose I brought him which he took happily. "I love Carlos-Kenny-alone-time."

"Until this one wakes up," I grinned. Carlos giggled a little, setting the rose on his tray. He didn't seem to mind, because he took my hand to play with my fingers. I realized in that little gesture just how much he loved and appreciated me and my decision was confirmed- I could never let Carlos know about what really happened between James and I.

"Did Logan tell you about last night?" I asked, deciding that was a good place to start.

"Yeah. He called me," he nodded, his dark eyes flicking up to me. "I didn't know you had the balls to stand up to him."

"You're not mad?"

"I don't care what happens between you and Logie. You're grown men, and if you wanna fight like little girls, go for it. But he's still my best friend and Addie's godfather, so you're gonna have to deal with being around him."

"What did he say about it?"

"Just told me what happened," Carlos shrugged, looking down at our hands again. "He was crying."

My heart sank and I nodded, feeling like shit.

"He's under so much stress right now. With work and Addie and me. I think you did him a favor with taking Addie from that list," Carlos smiled a little. "I hated to hear him cry. He told me he loves you and he didn't know that you felt that way."

"Wow. I already felt like shit, but now…"

"I know," Carlos shrugged. "It's just Logie, what're you going do, right?"

"Ad cried when he left."

"And you spoiled her rotten after that, right?"

I smirked and shrugged a little.

"You need to learn to deal with people crying, Kenny. That'll be your downfall," he giggled, stroking our daughter's hair, which was in pigtails. "Little girls cry. And Addie and Logie are both little girls."

This sent me bursting into laughter, making Carlos beam and Addie shifting in my arms.

"So how was your date with James?" he finally asked, smiling.

"Well Logan left, so I called James to hang at the house."

"Yeah? Did you fuck in my spot of the bed?"

"C'mon, Los," I laughed a little. He's gonna wish he didn't joke about that…

"What did you do?"

"He suggested making you a present," I said.

"Awe. He's so sweet. What is it?"

"Can't tell you- it's still in progress. He painted us a really good picture of Addie. It's on computer paper, but it's still really good."

"Awe. I love him."

_Poor, oblivious baby._

"Yeah…"

"Wassa matter?" he asked, finger trailing lightly over my palm. Carlos' liquid black eyes rose to look at me, so trusting and full of love. "Spit it out, baby. Did you kiss him?" he asked. When I couldn't answer, just stared at him, his face fell. "Oh… Well… Okay. James is hot- I guess as long as it doesn't happen anymore…"

"We didn't kiss," I lied. "But he left me."

"What? Broke up with you?" Carlos joked. If only he knew.

"He told me he felt guilty for having a crush on me and that it's better that he's outta my life," I said, which wasn't a lie at all.

Carlos' brows knitted and he pouted.

"He's not very consistent, is he? Are you sure he's not gonna come back like he did the first time?" he asked.

"No. He told me never to talk to him again."

"I'm sorry- that sucks."

"Yeah… I guess."

Carlos sighed and leaned his head on my shoulder.

"How was treatment?" I asked, kissing his hair, thinking about how horrible it would be when it started to fall out.

"It was okay."

"I can't wait to take you home," I murmured.

"Two weeks and five days," he said in mock enthusiasm. It would only take a week of treatment, but two weeks of Carlos staying in the hospital being monitored. Then after that, they would start another round of chemo, but they were every other day and he could go home during that. "Are you singing at the bar anymore?"

"I haven't for a while, but I probably need to."

"Just wondering."

"I've been working a lot, too, so that's a factor."

"Can we go fuck in the bathroom?"

The question itself took me off guard and confused the hell outta me. I turned my head and looked down to see him biting his lip flirtatiously, reminding me of last night, when James did the same thing. Also reminding me of just how much I needed Carlos.

"What?" I retorted. He giggled and wiggled his brows, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed and unclipping the heart monitor from his finger, standing in his little hospital gown.

"C'mon. Put Addie down," he whispered, making his way to the bathroom attached to the private room.

Was I wearing some sexy scent or something? Why did Carlos suddenly want this?

But who was I to argue, right? The absence of sexual release in my life has been my main conflict lately- the reason for EVERYTHING. It's a stupid reason, but the reason all the same.

He told me in the midst of me lifting him against the wall that the bathroom door didn't lock and that if Addie came in, fuck it, we're finishing. Well… Okay. Seems like she interrupts every single time, so maybe this time she'll learn to knock on the damn door first.

Okay, that's not fair. She's our baby, she shouldn't have to be afraid to come into our room when she needs to. But DAMN, EVERY single time!

I think all of you dear readers sound set off confetti fireworks and cheer and sing me a happy song, because dammit, I got my release. And it was so intense I had to muffle my scream by biting Carlos' shoulder. Carlos didn't muffle at all. He just let out a long moan, nails raking up my back, face to the ceiling. I have to say, I was pretty proud of myself for that one.

His tan chest heaved as I stood there, still stuck in him, holding him against the wall as we started to come down from our high.

"I think that's the best fuck we've ever had," I whispered, forehead to the cool wall beside his shoulder.

"Maybe I should deprive you for months on end all the time," he giggled.

"Hell no. Don't do that."

"I'm pretty sure cum was about to shoot out my throat," he laughed. He was right- my release was pretty damn hard.

I hummed and pulled him off of me, setting him on his feet.

* * *

I sat in the chair beside the bed, feet up on the bed as Addie told Carlos about school with bright eyes, sitting on her knees and facing him, charged up from her nap now. Life was great at that moment- I guess it was the calm before the storm.

"I learneded a letter," Addie said excitedly.

"What letter?"

"A," she said tracing a capital A in the air. "It looks like that."

"Do you know what word starts with A?" I asked, loving how excited she was about learning.

"Apple."

"That's right!" Carlos said excitedly.

"Did you know that 'Addie' starts with A, too?" I asked, like I was revealing a crazy secret to her. Her eyes and mouth widened.

"Addie starts with A!" she squealed.

I could tell that Carlos was happiest at that moment. Well, happiest he's been in a while. He just "got some" in the bathroom, his husband had brought him a flower, he had his daughter in his bed with him, and she was telling him all about what she learned, making revelations every second.

Carlos lit up like a Christmas tree as her bright smile showed.

"And me and Daddy workeded on a present for you yesterday," Addie said.

"You WORKED on a present," I jumped in, beating Carlos to the punch, receiving slitted eyes from him. "And it's a surprise, Addie! You can't tell!"

"Yeah, and James came over and helped," Addie nodded. My stomach went icy and my heart stopped.

_No, Addie. Get off of the topic. I just got last night out of my mind, and you can't spill the beans._

Before I could think of something to change the conversation to, Addie's eyes turned serious.

"I don't like James anymore," she said, brows knitted.

"Why not?" Carlos asked.

"Are you hungry, Ad?" I interrupted. "Miss Caroline said that you didn't eat your snack."

"Daddy told me not to tell," Addie said, ignoring me, twisting her lips. She hated keeping secrets from Carlos. She could barely do it when she knew about the surprise party we were having last year for his birthday.

At that moment, I realized that I should have told him myself. Hearing it from her will hurt him more than hearing to from me.

Carlos' eyes turned serious, tearing from her to me.

"Kenny, is there anything you need to tell me?" Carlos asked softly.

"Just that I love you," I said quietly, seeing my doom approaching. "And I that I really fucked up."

His eyes lifted to Addie's seriously. "Tell me what happened to make you not like James anymore, baby girl."

Addie's dark eyes looked at me, contemplating. I willed her not to say anything, but there wasn't much I could do. I had to sit and wait for everything to unfold. He was meant to know, and I couldn't stop it.

"I heared Daddy screaming through the wall, and so I came in to see what's the matter," Addie said, eyes uneasy on mine. "And I seed James biting Daddy's thing."

Carlos paused for just a second before his face screwed up.

"Oh my god," Carlos said quickly, sounding like he might puke. His brows upturned and his hand covered his mouth as he turned his head away from me. He knew exactly how to translate her innocent mind, and that made my body turn ablaze.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," Addie pleaded to me, knowing she did something catastrophic. "I didn't keep the secret."

"Los-" I said quietly.

"Get out," Carlos said dangerously, still turned away.

"Baby-"

"GET OUT!"

I snapped up, tears springing to my eyes, my limbs hot and stinging out of shock and panic. I considered James' offer to tell him that he took advantage of me. What did it matter if we would never see him again?

Carlos, tears streaming down his face, kissed Addie goodbye and she climbed down, head bowed.

"Carlos, just let me-" I began.

"I just wish you loved me as much as I love you," he said quietly, face turned away and knees to his chest.

"You have no idea how much I love you."

"Obviously not enough," Carlos growled, turning to me, voice dripping with poison, his black eyes holding a fire I had never seen before, shattering my heart. "I can't believe I let you fuck me after that fucking WHORE sucked on that. That's MY property, Kendall!"

I stared at him, silent. My mouth opened to talk, but nothing came out as I realized what he was doing. He started to twist at the golden wedding ring on his finger. He finally pried it off and tossed it to the ground, turning away again.

I stared down at the little circle of gold on the cold blue floor. A little freckled hand closed around it and I watched in astonishment as Addie brought it back to Carlos.

"You dropped this," she said, climbing to the chair, then the bed. Carlos turned to her, face full of concern. He wasn't crying- he was seething.

"I don't want it anymore."

"But you gots to wear it, cause that's what means you're married."

"I don't wanna be married anymore," he whimpered to her. Addie twisted her lips and slipped the ring on her tiny thumb.

"But you gots to be, cause that's how all the parents are," she said softly.

"Not all of them."

"Don't be mad at Daddy. It wasn't his fault," Addie pleaded, little black eyes concerned. I knew she didn't really understand what was going on, but she knew that dammit, her daddies had matching rings, and it wasn't right that Carlos take his off. "It's my fault that I didn't sleep with him to protect him."

Carlos let out a little sigh and pulled Addie into a hug.

"Don't ever think that, baby," he whispered.

"But I scareded James away, so he won't bite Daddy anymore."

I watched the ring attempt to slip from my daughter's thumb and the gripped it. She pulled from the hug and took Carlos' right hand, putting it on his pinky. Okay, WAY not the right finger, but she didn't know that.

"I promise I won't let it happen again," Addie said sincerely. "And I'm sorry. And Daddy's sorry, cause he was crying all night yesterday."

Carlos' eyes dropped to the ring on his pinky and he sniffled, thinking.

"And don't tell Logie, cause Logie'll hurt James," Addie added (haha).

"C'mon, Ad," I murmured, and her dark eyes turned to me. "We need to go get started on dinner."

"Bye, Daddy. Love you," she said softly to Carlos and he looked up for her to kiss him and rub her nose with his. "And if you don't keep that ring on, I'm scared we won't be a family anymore."

Carlos' mouth opened to talk but froze, looking at her in astonishment.

"Don't ever think that, either, Ad," he whispered.

"I'll make it all better. Promise," Addie said with ambition before climbing down from the bed. She looked up at me, but immediately her head bowed as if I was staring lasers at her.

"Bye, Los. I love you," I murmured. It broke my heart when he said nothing, just staring down at the ring on his pinky.

* * *

Addie was silent the whole way home, when normally she would be jabbering my ear off. The car was deathly quiet.

It wasn't until I was absently making us some grilled cheese at home that I felt her lightly tug on my shirt. I looked down at her and turned off the grill.

"Sorry I telled," she said softly. "I didn't mean to."

I didn't know what to say. There was no sense in being mad at her- she didn't know what was going on. But a part of me WAS mad at her.

"You can give me away if you want," she said with heartbreaking sadness, eyes on my feet. My heart shattered. Where the hell did she get an idea like that? I guess that because she knew she was adopted, she thought that parents just "gave away" their kids when they didn't want them anymore.

I knelt down and took her tiny hands in mine, eyes intense on hers.

"You did the right thing, pumpkin. It upset me, but it was right."

"But I made you cry."

"I still love you, though, and I always will. I promise. And I won't give you away," I said with a little smile. "They'll have to pay a few dollars if they want you."

Addie didn't smile, her black eyes boring into mine.

"Are you and Daddy still married?"

I paused, the question breaking my heart.

"Yeah, baby. We are," I murmured.

"I don't want you to not be."

"Me, either. I'll do my best."

Addie stared at me, twisting her lips in that way she had when she didn't know what to say.

"But it's not your job to worry about it. You be Addie, and that'll be enough," I said, straightening her shirt. "The best thing for Daddies is to have a baby that loves them to hold them together."

"How come Daddy was so mad at you?"

I knew that I couldn't feed anymore vague truths to my daughter. She didn't know what was going on with Carlos' leukemia or Logan's absence or James' presence or what really happened last night. I had to give her the information so she could at least TRY to understand.

But I couldn't full on tell her what a blowjob was. Or what an affair was. Or any of that. She was still young and innocent, after all.

"James wasn't biting my thing, Ad, he was kissing it," I said slowly. "Daddy was mad because he's the only one who's supposed to kiss me there, and I let James do it. When we got married, I promised that nobody would ever touch that except him, and I broke that promise."

Addie's face turned puzzled.

"Why would someone wanna kiss that? I bet it tastes yucky," she said in disgust.

"But it made me feel happy," I explained. "And I'm very sorry that you saw that, but if you didn't come into my room right then, I definitely wouldn't be married to Daddy anymore."

I knew that if she hadn't walked in at that time, I would have had sex and kept quiet about it, and nobody would know but James and I. James might still be in my life. But I had to let her know that she was doing right in all of this.

"But since you scared James away when you did, I have a chance to try to get Daddy to love me again," I said. "So I'm upset that you told on me, but I'm also happy that you did."

Addie seemed to be thinking hard about something. She finally looked up at me and opened her mouth.

"Does Logie kiss things?"

"Okay, not talking about that anymore," I grumbled, getting up. "Go sit at the table."

* * *

I stared down at mine and Addie's plates of grilled cheese and furiously tried to clean myself up. I wiped the tears and snot from my face with a paper towel, trying to stop the tears and take deep breaths.

My life was a mess.

All because of one guy who showed up to one of my shows one night and gave me 20 dollars.

I hated James.

But I missed him.

I wanted him to give me one of those hugs and rub my back. I wanted him not as a lover, but as a friend.

I wasn't completely gathered up when I brought the dinner to the table. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going right and that my marriage, my family, my friendships, my LIFE, wasn't over. I needed someone to tell me that Carlos loved me to bits and would see any bright side in this there could be, and that he would be willing to try to forgive. I needed someone to tell me that even if we did get divorced, Addie would still love me- she wouldn't side with Carlos- and that this mystery friend would be there for me.

I found that when I sat the grilled cheese down before my daughter, cut in quarters, she just stared at it, hugging her knees. I didn't blame her for not wanting to eat. I didn't want to either.

I heard the lock in the door slide undone and the doorknob turn.

Two people flashed to my mind, one of which could be fatal. It could be James- here to hug me and stroke my hair and tell me everything I needed to hear, or it could be Logan- here to rip my guts out and parade around town with my head on a stake.

Unfortunately, James didn't have a key to my house, and he would not be entering my room with such rapid, terrifying steps.

Addie's eyes rose and lit up, her scrambling from her chair happily to greet the person entering my home.

"Logie!" she cheered as Logan came storming in. But he wasn't there to see her. No, he was there to see ME. And by the blaze in his eyes, I immediately regretted not hiding the knives.


	11. Guardian Angel

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Logan screamed, not stopping once he reached me, just shoving me back. I stood strong, though, no matter how much he scared me shitless. I wouldn't run, and I wouldn't fight. "Then after that, I'm gonna fucking kill James and bathe in his whore blood."

You know, Logan is a very sweet and adorable person most of the time. But he's like a mama lion- if you mess with his babies- Addie or Carlos- you're getting it. Suddenly the baby blue lip ring hugging his bottom lip wasn't a cute touch to his appearance, it was a deathly sign that this guy was a badass and he'll fuck you up.

"Addie, go in my room and call Daddy and stay on the phone with him and don't come out," I said to my daughter, who was standing beside the table in horror. I knew she shouldn't see whatever was about to happen, and Carlos' voice would make her feel safe. I honest to God thought I was going to be killed that night. She took my phone from the counter and sprinted into my bedroom, sensing the urgency in my voice. Yes, I was scared as all hell of this 5 foot 9, 150 pound man, but you would be, too, if you saw the fire in his eyes.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?" Logan screamed, socking me in the cheekbone and making me stumble. I wouldn't fight back. I deserved everything he did to me, and if that included killing me, so be it. "I TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU FUCKED UP WITH JAMES IT WAS THE END!"

"There's nothing you can say to make me feel worse than I already feel!" I argued, but took the punch in the stomach that I received. I knew Addie must be afraid, hearing all this yelling, all this cursing from Logan. I hoped Carlos picked up the phone.

"YOU'RE A SICK MOTHER FUCKER!" Logan punched my cheekbone again, "YOU'RE AN ASSWIPE! YOU'RE SCUM!" somehow his punches didn't seem to hurt so bad- I guess I was just that numb to life at the time, because I had experienced Logan's wrath a few times. "YOU'RE A PIG! YOU'RE DIRT ON MY GOD DAMN SHOE!"

"Daddy, I'm scared," I heard Addie whimper from my bedroom, having gotten a hold of Carlos. It was a fatherly instinct that Logan himself had told me about- a mother or father, biological or not, can hear their child's cries and whimpers through impossible distances. Right now, I wished I couldn't.

The mere fact that he answered the phone when his caller ID said my name told me that he was perfectly fine with Logan coming to kill me. Maybe he even told him to. He was expecting Addie's call.

"I FIGURED YOUR HUSBAND BEING SICK AND HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD WOULD HELP YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR GOD DAMN PANTS!" Logan screamed at me, this time landing a fist into my mouth, making me taste blood. "YOU DON'T DESERVE MY CARLOS! YOU'RE FUCKING SCUM!"

"I KNOW," I yelled back, teeth bloody, I'm sure. I knew that I had a pocket knife in my back pocket, but I wasn't going to use that.

"AND HE HAD TO HEAR IT FROM ADDIE! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?"

"I KNOW, LOGAN!"

Logan's fist hooked hard onto my temple, making my ears ring.

"AND YOU LET HER WALK IN ON YOU!"

I stumbled and he took the opportunity to shove me to the carpet. Okay, I wasn't so accepting of this anymore.

"Daddy!" Addie screamed shrilly.

"STAY BACK, ADDIE!" I yelled through fighting consciousness. Logan knew exactly where to punch to make me pass out, and I knew it. I just had to keep my eyes open, or I may never wake up. I knew that Logan wouldn't hurt Addie if she came to me, but she didn't need to watch this. "GO IN MY ROOM!"

Logan's Chuck-Tailored foot pegged harshly into my side, making me roll away and curl up.

"I WARNED YOU OVER AND OVER! I TOLD YOU I'D SKIN YOU ALIVE!" Logan screeched, his foot landing hard in my spine and ribs. I was struggling as the breath was knocked out of me. I wasn't feeling so hot anymore. "BUT YOU DON'T THINK WITH YOUR HEAD YOU THINK WITH YOUR COCK!"

The blows stopped and I wheezed as Logan's foot rolled me to my back. The diamonds on the bottom of his shoe pressed to my Adam's apple, his eyes murderous on mine. My fingers clutched to his shoe, trying to get it away as it started to push, crushing my windpipe.

The stars in my eyes quickly started taking over, my fingers pulling with more panic now. He was enjoying watching me die. He didn't care that he would go to prison and leave Addie one father down. He just wanted me dead. I can't say I blamed him.

I was at the edge, about to let go. Suffocating was a shitty way to go, I have to tell you. You can feel the air around you, but you can't have it. You start to hear your heart in your ears. Your muscles give out. The stars in your eyes take over, and that sense of panic starts to fade to a strange calm.

But then my guardian angel came.

"GET OFF!" Addie screamed, little fingers curling around the toe of Logan's shoe and pulling up. She quickly realized that she didn't have time for that. She landed a tiny fist into Logan's crotch (I taught her that, never thinking it would save my life) which loosened Logan's foot just enough for me to shove it off of my throat. I rolled over, coughing, sputtering, gasping. "GET OUTTA HERE, LOGIE! I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE!"

"Addison Riley, you need to go to your room and stay there till I come get you," Logan said through clenched teeth.

"GO AWAY! YOU DON'T SCARE ME!"

I started to be able to breathe and I opened my watery eyes to find that Addie was sitting protectively in the curve of my stomach, staring angrily up at Logan.

"You're dirt, Kendall!" Logan continued yelling at me. "Hiding behind a five-year-old! Unfair advantage!"

I felt Addie's little hand feel around in my back pocket and she retrieved my pocket knife- a switchblade that I used to open packages at work and I got into the habit of keeping on me. She very carefully unfolded it and held it up like a sword at Logan.

"GO AWAY, LOGIE!" she yelled at him bravely.

For the first time, Logan seemed to realize what was happening. He stared at the silver blade that my innocent daughter was using to protect me and his mouth dropped open a little.

"Addie," he said in astonishment.

"HIT ME INSTEAD!"

Logan's hand clapped over his mouth and tears filled his eyes. If I hadn't already been crying, I would have started then. My poor, brave, sweet baby was protecting me with her sword, sacrificing herself for me, standing up to the man she loved as much as her parents.

Logan whimpered and dashed away, but I didn't see where he went. I was too busy reaching up a shaky hand to pry the knife away from the child and toss it to the carpet a few feet away.

Addie's attention turned to me and so did her body. Her warm little hands touched my face, which I was sure was bloody and bruised, and her lip quivered.

"I tried to call 911 but I didn't know how," she said, dark eyes full of the purest tears one can imagine. "You couldn't breathe. I had to protect you."

I felt blood trail from the corner of my mouth down my skin, tears doing the same.

"It's okay, Daddy. Go to sleep- I'll keep Logie away."

I didn't want to, but I had no choice but to pass out then.

* * *

I was awakened an hour(ish) later by the sound of my daughter's crying, which cut through even the deepest of my unconsciousness. I pried my heavy eyes open to find Addie lying in front of me, curled up with my knife, back to my chest, my phone in her shaking hands. She had pulled my arm over her side and it lay between her arms, and my heart wrenched at the thought of Mufasa's death scene in _The Lion King_, where Simba found his body and curled up beneath his paw. Did Addie think I was dead?

"Where's Logie?" I heard Carlos asked over the speakerphone.

"I dunno, Daddy, but I'm scared he'll come back."

"You don't have to be scared of Logie. You know that."

"He killed Daddy," Addie whimpered. I could see that now Logan was a monster in Addie's eyes. Someone to be feared when he was one of the last people she should feel unsafe with. I wasn't afraid of Logan, though, although he just about killed me. I knew that he had it out of his system now and was safe(ish).

"No, baby, Daddy's not dead." Carlos' voice soothed every pent-up nerve, every pain, every waiting sob, and every fear I had, just as I knew it did for Addie and Logan.

"Yes he is."

"You have to find Logie and make sure he's okay." I knew that Carlos was afraid that Logan may have punched a wall and hurt himself or was sobbing in the bathtub.

"I can't leave Daddy," Addie whispered. She rolled around to face me and saw that my eyes were open now. She let out a relieved sigh and wrapped an arm around my neck, soothing the rest of my pain. "He's awake, Daddy, it's okay," she said to the phone.

"Good. Let's go find Logie, baby girl," Carlos said gently. Addie quietly got up, somehow looking so badass with her wild hair and pink dress, little feet bare with red toenails. She kissed my hair and pressed the knife securely in my palm, for "protection" before taking the phone and slowly walking toward the hallway.

Carlos and I both knew that Addie would never use the knife, and if she did, she wouldn't know that you had to use a lot of force to hurt someone with it. It would probably just bounce off of Logan- it was dull.

It wasn't as hard as I anticipated to heave myself up. My ribs hurt a lot and my face stung, but I would live. I probably should have gone to a hospital- I was sure I had broken ribs and maybe some crazy internal bleeding.

I decided that I wasn't as bad off as I thought and decided to get up.

I was unstable and wobbly, but I found my way to the kitchen.

I'm no doctor, but I don't think it's normal to cough up blood. Maybe it is after you just got the snot beat out of you. I had just reached the sink in time to start coughing miserably, a little blood spattering into the sink. My teeth and tongue tasted bloody and gross, and I felt a little chip in a back tooth.

I rinsed my mouth out, the water coming out pink with blood. Then I got a dish rag and wetted it with warm water and started to clean up my face, which I couldn't see but felt that pretty much the whole left side of my face was swelling and painful.

My back, around my ribs and spine, was painful and I was sure bruised.

It was about five minutes later when Logan entered the kitchen slowly, phone in his hand.

"And I can't BELIEVE you were gonna actually KILL him! In front of my daughter! Do you know how scared she was? JESUS, Logan, sometimes you have to think!" I heard Carlos lecture from the other end. Logan absently sat at the table, the phone on the surface. "And why would you go that far? I LOVE him, Logan, and you were gonna KILL him! You woulda gone to prison!"

Addie came in and she hugged my leg, her cheek on my hip. I knew she was hungry and tired, and once she saw that everything was calm, she would fall asleep.

I guided her to the table, across from Logan, where her cold grilled cheese was.

"You need to eat, pumpkin," I said softly, leaning down to kiss her hair.

"What did you think you would be helping by killing my husband? Huh? It's not like I suddenly don't love him!" Carlos kept lecturing. I was beyond happy that he kept mentioning that he still loved me. "And YOU would be in prison and Addie would be down a father and I'd be all alone, being sick and broke!"

Logan stared numbly ahead of the table at Addie slowly eating her sandwich. I know he was thinking about how much she was just like Carlos, and he was right. They were both tiny and brave and sassy and adorable.

"Now take care of him and I swear if you hurt him anymore I'll hurt YOU. And you know I will!"

Carlos then hung up and Logan stared at the phone's screen lighting up, rubbing it in his face that Carlos hung up on him.

"I'm gonna go," Logan said quietly, not looking at me. "Can I have a knife? A sharp one?"

"No."

"I have to castrate James. I'm a man of my word."

The sad thing is I can completely see Logan forcing a knife to James' testicles, James struggling to get away but being unable. It brought pain to me just thinking about it.

"What does castrate mean?" Addie asked, looking up at me.

"It means to cut off his balls," I said, not bothering to sugar-coat it.

"Eew," she said simply, nose scrunched up. I didn't know what was said between she and Logan, but she didn't seem to be afraid of him anymore and she didn't seem to be on-guard.

I sighed and sat at the round table between my almost-murderer and daughter.

"I still want you dead," Logan said simply to me.

"I do, too."

"Unfortunately, your husband says I can't make that happen," Logan retorted. "Maybe it's best to just hate your guts every single day and make your existence hell."

I shrugged and nodded, knowing that really me living could be worse than dying.

"But you're lucky that he's got a heart of gold, of your ass really would be dead," Logan said, still not looking at me. "But for some odd reason he still wants you alive. Furthermore, you're lucky as all hell that I know the power of James' seduction and although I'm not excusing your disgusting behavior, I know it's not completely your fault."

"Don't make excuses for me, Logan," I sighed.

"I'm not," Logan said simply, now looking at me with hard eyes. "But I know that he got me into bed with a single kiss and I let him fuck me into the next day even though I really wasn't into him."

I knew Logan was testing me. He was trying to see my reaction, see if I had real feelings for James. They really hadn't had sex and we both knew it.

"He's done and outta my life, Logan," I retorted. "It's over."

"It most certainly is NOT over. You've still got me to deal with and explaining to do to my Carlos."

I was silent, eyes on the table, feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.

"That nieve little bastard still loves you and by the sound of it might still want to patch things up. Too bad you're not going to try."

My eyes turned to his, confused.

"You're not gonna break his heart again," Logan said dangerously. "He's in such a vulnerable state, he can't be dealing with a cheating husband, too. The earlier you leave him alone, the earlier he can start to heal and see just who he's MEANT to be with."

"And who's that?" I growled.

"Me."

And suddenly it all made sense.

"FUCK YOU!" I was suddenly on my feet.

"Daddy!" Addie hissed, having been taught to scold me when I cursed since she was a baby, when I just couldn't stop.

"YOU'RE A MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! YOU'RE A BITCH! HOW CAN YOU ALMOST KILL ME FOR CHEATING WHEN THIS WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN LOVEY WITH _MY _HUSBAND WITH REAL FEELINGS BEHIND IT? FUCK YOU!"

Addie was suddenly at my side, pushing at my leg to keep me from lunging at Logan and going for a round 2.

"NO! NO MORE FIGHTING! STOP IT!" Addie yelled angrily.

I was shaking now. This whole time I had been okay with Logan even kissing Carlos on the mouth because I had always been told that they were like BROTHERS. And come to find out, Logan was doing almost exactly what I had been doing with James, and Carlos didn't even know it!

"Calm your fucking tits, asshole!" Logan growled.

"SHUT UP, LOGAN! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! I TOLD YOU THIS ONCE ALREADY AND I'M SAYING IT AGAIN! GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE!"

"You're taking this all WRONG, Kendall!" Logan said angrily.

"Yeah? I am? CORRECT me, dear high lord sultan Logan!"

"I LOVE Carlos, but I'm not IN love with him," Logan said, eyes blazing. "He belongs with ME, because I can't cheat on him and hurt him. I can't break up with him! I can give him all the love he needs, because he isn't LIKE you, Kendall! He doesn't NEED sex! He NEEDS contact and connection! I'm his SOULMATE, Kendall!"

I knew that Logan was really spiritual and believed in the whole "everything happens for a reason" and "everyone has a soul mate, romantic or not". And if I understood right, he thought he was Carlos' soul mate, but NOT the romantic kind.

"You're wrong!"

"I'm not fucking moving in on your husband!" Logan grunted in frustration. "If I wanted him, believe me, I'd have him."

"YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I yelled at him, eyes ablaze. Honestly, I was about ready to beat the shit out of him. "GET OUT OF MY LIFE, MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE, AND MY HUSBAND'S LIFE! YOU'RE JUST A BURDEN!"

"STOP FIGHTING!" Addie let out a shrill scream, hands over her ears, tears running down her freckly cheeks.

This got both of our attention and we paused, staring at her.

Logan looked up at me, gentler this time.

"We aren't helping anything by fighting," he said quietly as I knelt and pulled Addie into my arms. "We're destroying this little angel. She's going through so much and she's breaking."

I looked down at Addie, realizing that his words were true.

Addie's father was really sick and in the hospital.

Her other father and her beloved uncle were constantly fighting.

She saw a disturbing image of James and I in my bedroom.

She almost watched her father get murdered.

She had to save a man's life.

She was drawing scary pictures and didn't know why.

All she wanted to do was tell her beloved family about the letters she learned in school, and nobody but Carlos, who was in the HOSPITAL, would listen.

And now, once again, Daddy and Uncle Logie are screaming at each other.

"You have to understand that I didn't do this because I don't love Los," I said quietly, sitting on the linoleum and rocking Addie as she cried and help her ears, going to fall asleep soon. "I was in such a vulnerable state and I needed a Logan. James was there. And you're right- he's sexy and seductive, and it wasn't against my will that we did what we did. But that's all we did. And now James left and isn't coming back."

"I think I recall telling you the day of your wedding that if you ever hurt my baby, it's over," Logan said dangerously. "And you promised that you wouldn't."

"I know."

"Don't try to get him back, because he'll take you in a naïve heartbeat. I know him. I know that right now he's thinking about bright sides," Logan said. "Well, at least they didn't have sex. I'm sure James is better at blowing than I am anyway. It's good for him to get other experiences. At least James isn't a concern anymore. At least Kenny's sorry for what he did."

I knew he was right- that's how Carlos thought. Always the optimist.

"But he's wrong. There's no excuse for what you did," Logan finished.

"I know. But you can't keep me away from him."

"If you really loved him, you wouldn't try."

"You've never been in love, Logan. You don't know."

"You're wrong. I was in love with Los until well into your marriage."

Logan watched my face screw up in defensiveness and confusion.

"And I loved him, and so I wanted him to be happy. So I made sacrifices. And that's what you have to do. If you love him, let him go, and if he comes back, it's meant to be. He didn't come back to me, and that's how I know we're not supposed to be romantically involved."

"I really hate you."

"Ha. You THINK you hate me. But you don't know hate," Logan said bitterly.

"Get out of my house."

Logan nodded simply and stood from his chair. Addie was already asleep, curled up in my lap, and he gave an evil smirk.

"I'm a bitch, Kendall. You know that better than anyone. And I'm not afraid to hurt you even more. Los says I can't PHYSICALLY hurt you, but I can take that little girl away from you and destroy everything you know. So don't fucking push me."

"You're a psycho," I spat. Logan smirked and rolled his eyes.

"I have a man to castrate," he sighed. "I guess I'll see you in hell, baby."

* * *

**Man. That got really dark. Um, yeah, I think the next chapter will be a happier one. And can you tell that this has happened between Kendall and Logan a few times before? Don't know if I made that obvious enough.**

**And Addie was just so cute? Innocent? Badass? I dunno, but she was SOMETHING in this chapter. I hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it. :D**


	12. Carlos Gets Fiesty

I stood at the counter of Dick's Sporting Goods, absently scanning some tennis shoes some lady was buying. The radio over the intercom was playing the usual pop station, and I normally liked the music it played, but not right now.

It was playing "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars, of all the older songs that hadn't been played in months, it had to be that one.

That damn song made me miss James.

It brought me back to not so long ago when I was singing at the bar and he requested that song twice in a row. At the time, I knew he was trying to make connections between him and that song for me, and dammit it worked.

Not only that, but the lyrics also made me think about how bad I screwed up with Carlos. How I should have appreciated him more and catered to his every need while I had him…

The lady paid and left and I was somehow expecting James to be next in line.

_"It's our song," _ he would smirk timidly, knowing that I wasn't expecting him. I would grin at him and fight the need to lunge across the counter at him and hug him. _"How're you doing?"_

But it wasn't him. It wasn't anyone- it was a slow day and really nobody was there.

* * *

That night, I sang at the bar again. A part of me expected a tall, dark figure to walk into my father's bar and grin at me as he sat to get a beer. Needless to say, it didn't happen.

I sang my heart out for my Carlos. I missed him so much- I hadn't even seen him for days. Last we talked, he was seething mad at me and I was panicking. I missed his kisses and his warm hands and his laugh- I didn't know how the chemo was treating him. I was afraid to go and see him bald and dying.

I ended a little late, not realizing it, and packed up. I had to go pick Addie up at the hospital, and I wasn't sure how Carlos and Logan would react to me being there. I was nervous about it- what would Carlos do?

Someone tapped on my shoulder as I snapped the latches on my case.

"Um…"

I looked up, confused, and was stunned to see James there, looking awkward- weird, now that we were face-to-face, I didn't even feel like hugging him. Actually, I sorta felt like punching his lights out.

"I guess you're mad," he said awkwardly, looking around nervously, biting his perfect lower lip. "But can we talk?"

"I thought you were outta my life for good?" I retorted. Wow, my attitude toward him did a complete one-eighty.

I guess if he came up to me with a grin and a hug, I would still be excited to see him. But since he was acting guilty and awkward, I guess it reminded me of all he did to me. He potentially ruined my life.

"Can I carry your guitar to your car?"

I reluctantly lead him to my car, where he gently put my case in the back whereas I would have just tossed it carelessly.

"Logan paid me a visit the other night," James said as I closed the door and looked up at him.

"Do you still have testicles?" I asked blandly.

"Somehow," James grinned, but immediately dropped it. "He tried really hard to beat me to death. I let him have a few punches."

"I wasn't so limiting," I spat, knowing he must have noticed the bruised side of my face. "He'd have killed me if Addie didn't save me. And I wasn't stopping him. I shoulda died."

"So, what? You're suicidal now?"

"No. I just knew I deserved what he was giving me. I- WE- broke such a sweet man's heart and I don't even know where him and I stand anymore."

"How's Carlos with this?"

"I dunno, haven't talked to him at all for a few days," I said quietly, looking away.

"Logan told me what happened… I guess he was mad that he had to hear it from Addie?"

"No, I think what got him most was that I let another man blow me," I said venomously.

"Right."

"I don't even know how he feels about anything," I sighed. "I'm gonna go pick Addie up at the hospital and see where we are with everything. I miss him like crazy."

"Can I come?"

"No."

"Did you tell him that I took advantage of you?"

"No."

"I just wanna go and have a long talk with Carlos. I wanna tell him everything- beginning to end."

"Um, HELL no? Besides, Logan would tear your eyes out."

"I can handle Logan."

"And besides him, Addie fucking hates your guts."

James' face fell and he sighed, nodding. Any person would feel like crap if Addie hated them- I knew Logan did.

"I have to tell Carlos my story, though. I have to save your marriage."

"I can handle it."

"Kendall, the guilt is eating me alive," James retorted. "I have to TRY to talk to him."

* * *

I entered the room first, very timid, James behind me.

"Daddy!" Addie cheered, jumping down from Carlos' bed and hugging me. Immediately Logan stood from his chair, pointing to the door.

"Out. Get out."

I watched as he saw James enter and his anger shifted from me to him. I swept Addie up and hurried out of the way.

Logan slammed James against the wall, hand around his throat.

"This is NOT a James-friendly zone," he growled dangerously. I knew what James was feeling- his windpipe getting crushed and his lungs suffocating, yet he stayed composed.

"He wanted to talk to Los," I spoke up, although a part of me wanted to watch the life fade from James' hazel eyes.

I looked over at the bed to see Carlos there, looking really, REALLY weak, darkness around his eyes and his cheeks hollow, lips pale and cracked. My baby was finally taking the hit of the chemo and I couldn't be there to tell him that he's still beautiful.

"Let em go, Logie," he piped up weakly. Logan let go of James and Carlos' eyes flashed up to me but dropped immediately. "You guys give us some privacy."

I was surprised that Carlos was so willing to be alone in the room with James, talking to him.

* * *

James watched the door close and he slowly sat in the chair beside the bed. Carlos didn't LOOK mad, he just looked really sick. James expected him to be really, REALLY angry, but maybe he didn't have the energy for that.

"I needed to talk to you and apologize and say goodbye," James said softly.

"And what makes you think I want to hear it?" Carlos asked, not looking at James.

"I don't expect you to, but I'm glad you're at least giving me the chance."

Carlos was silent, eyes on the heart monitor clamped to his finger.

"I guess it started the night we all ate at Logan's. We made out in the bathroom."

Carlos hesitated, brows furrowing at the news that he didn't want to hear, and he nodded.

"But he didn't hide me from you- you always knew when we would be together. And when we WERE together, it wasn't all mushy. We did real things like eat and have fun. We were friends," James said. He paused, but Carlos said nothing. "The night Addie walked in on us was the first night we ever did anything sexual, and it was all me. I kissed him first, I intensified it, I carried him to the bedroom, and I pulled his pants down."

None of that was a lie at all. Yes, Kendall had said things about needing him and no, Kendall hadn't stopped him. But Carlos didn't have to know that.

"I started to give him a blowjob, but that didn't get very far. And that was it. Nothing else. I haven't even seen him before tonight."

"Do you know that you're a homewrecker? You should have refused him," Carlos said simply. "I knew he was horny as all hell and I should have taken care of it. He's got an issue with sex and it had been months. Maybe you should have suggested a nice porn website or something."

"I know. I regret it," James said softly. "I told him really early into our friendship that I idolized your and his relationship. I admired how much you guys felt for each other, and even the night everything happened I could see how much he loved you. And I can't be responsible for tearing up such a beautiful marriage, beautiful family, beautiful love."

"Shoulda thought of that before-"

"I know."

"When you marry someone you love, their cock belongs to you. And you touched MY property. You put your mouth on it. That's like me licking your cell phone or something."

James hadn't even thought of that.

"You know we fucked in that very bathroom just twenty minutes before I found out about this." Carlos said, in a creepy pep. "I thought I was relieving him. Come to find out, some other whore already did."

That hit James hard. He hadn't been called a whore outside of the bedroom since high school, and it was a name that stabbed his heart with a hot knife. Especially being spat from such a sweet man's mouth.

"It was like twenty seconds of relief," he said softly. "Hardly any at all."

"Did you deep-throat him?" Carlos spat. James was silent, eyes dropping, feeling degraded. "I bet he liked that. He knows that the man who loves him has only had sex with one person his whole life and isn't used to that."

Carlos hated to see that James was getting so hurt by his words, but at the same time he loved it. He was hardly ever nasty to anyone, and he could take out his anger on this man.

"You were gonna fuck him in MY bed," Carlos retorted. "Probably on MY side, too. Without a condom, then I would get your diseases from him."

James wanted to leave now. He didn't want to take this emotional beating from Carlos. He had taken the whole "You're a whore!" abuse in high school, and he didn't want to revisit that.

"I fucked up, okay?" James snapped lightly. "I know I'm a dirty whore and I know I'm a homewrecker, but I DON'T have diseases."

Carlos' eyes lifted to James'.

"One night he came home with cherry Chapstick on his lips. I tasted it and asked him about it and Logie said that you wore that. Kenny said that he had borrowed some, because you two were friends, and I accepted that shit of an answer," he said softly.

James was silent.

"Did you think I was gonna die and you could swoop in and be Kenny's new hubby?" Carlos asked. "I bet you WISHED for it, didn't you?"

James said nothing, feeling guilty for almost doing just that.

"Do you know how much I NEED Kenny right now? I feel like DEATH, James! I need him to bring me flowers and cupcakes and to cuddle me and tell me I'm pretty even when my hair's falling out and to help me in the bathroom and to give me kisses and hugs and write me letters for me to read when he's gone. I NEED him. And you ruined it. You ruined my LIFE."

Suddenly James couldn't breathe, choking over tears.

"And I'm ashamed to say that I still love him and that I was mad that Logie almost killed him. But it's all true."

"It wasn't him. It was all me," James said tearfully.

"I'm done talking about this," Carlos said dismissively. "Thanks for telling me this stuff. Get out of my life now."

James, shocked, stood.

"Bye, Carlos. I'm sorry for everything I did to you," he said softly, Carlos' eyes on the window the opposite way. "And I hope you can try to patch things up with Kendall. He loves you with everything he's got."

"I don't know how many times I gushed about how sweet you are," Carlos said softly. "Now I see that it was all an act."

"You've got it wrong," James suddenly snapped, making Carlos' blazing eyes turn to him. "I'm NOT a whore, I DON'T have diseases, and I'm not some douchebag that has affairs with people!"

"Yeah? So you were just trying to steal my husband's heart, then?" Carlos growled. "That's all I can figure. If you just wanted sex, you woulda gotten it long ago. Since you didn't, you were obviously trying to have something serious with him."

"It was wrong of me and I see that!"

"Good! So leave! If you're looking for forgiveness, you're talking to the wrong guy. And if you EVER hurt my Logie again, I will end you."

James sighed, feeling bad about the one punch to the stomach he gave Logan the night Logan visited his apartment.

"He was trying to kill me! He's lucky I didn't go all out!"

"What's 'all out'? Were you gonna suck his cock?"

James growled in frustration and whirled over to the door.

"See you in hell!" Carlos sang as he stormed out of the door.

* * *

"See you in hell!" I heard Carlos say from his room as James stormed from the door, tears in his eyes.

I was torn. Do I go after James? He obviously needed someone to talk to, but if I went after him, it would look bad.

I decided against it and looked into the room to find Carlos up and pacing.

"C'mon, Freckles," Logan said softly, reaching out for Addie's hand. "Let's go for a walk."

He gave me a little nod, telling me to go in and talk to my husband.

"I hate your fucking guts and if you try anything with him, I'll kill you. But he needs to talk to YOU right now," he murmured.

He took my daughter away and I slowly went into the room, closing the door.

"Sit down, baby," I said softly, knowing he shouldn't be up. I went to him and touched his shoulder, sending him into a frenzy.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I recoiled, eyes wide. He had never said that to me before and right now he looked like he was losing it.

"Why don't you love me?" he asked, voice shrill. "I love you SO MUCH! I would never touch another man!"

"Yeah? Is that why you kiss Logan and cuddle him and hold his hand?" I asked quietly. Carlos froze, black eyes like burning coals on me.

"That's different."

"He told me he was in love with you until a few years into our marriage. What seemed like brotherly love to you meant something to him," I said angrily. "Unless you knew that."

"How could you accuse me of that? JESUS, Kenny- KENDALL- my whole life's revolved around you since we met!" Carlos' eyes were tearful now. "I can't be held responsible for what he feels!"

"Do you know how hard it is to watch your husband be lovey with another man right in front of you?"

"Don't turn this around on me!"

"I've had to share you with fucking Logan our entire relationship!"

"YEAH BUT HE DIDN'T SUCK MY COCK!"

"Don't yell at me," I hissed.

"I'm dying, Kenny! KENDALL!" Carlos was suddenly in tears.

"Don't say that," I said softly.

"I feel like absolute shit and I don't have you to make me feel better," he cried. "I feel like I'm dying and what gets me most is the thought of me taking a dirt nap and you in James' arms."

"That won't happen because you won't die."

Suddenly Carlos sat, little lip quivering as he wiped his pale face.

"At least you didn't have sex," he said softly. Confused, I stepped a little closer and he looked up at me.

"Don't make excuses for me."

"But when I don't make excuses and I look at this from a raw perspective, it's so painful. I can't handle it right now. Why did you do this to me?"

"You weren't supposed to know."

More tears spilled from his eyes and he looked away.

"There were no feelings between us," I said softly. "I promise. All I wanted was sex."

"You're not helping yourself."

"But I can't lie about this."

"I love you so much, Kenny. Kendall, I mean. I've been crazy for you since we met. But I can't look at you without seeing that image of him on his knees in front of you."

"Well…" I sat beside him, a safe distance. "He wasn't as good at it as you."

Carlos sniffled and looked over at me.

"Really?"

"Really," I lied. "And I think his ass would be too loose."

Carlos let out a choked laugh and I smiled.

"I bet he'd be good, though," he muttered.

"Maybe. But it would have been just sex. Not making love. And I think it's more special when you love the other person. When you can kiss them and fireworks go off, and when their moans and groans send you to the heavens."

Carlos smiled a little, seemingly melted as he looked over at me.

"You know, the whole time he was doing it to me," I said, conjuring up another lie. Hey, they were white lies to SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I think I'm okay. "I kept thinking about you. How cute your little ass is up in the air, waiting for me, and how incredibly sexy you look when you're screaming my name to the ceiling."

Carlos bit his lip a little, blushing.

"He's not my type," I murmured. "I like the tiny, adorable ones. He makes me feel small."

Carlos smiled a little, looking at the blue tiles on the floor.

"I don't know what to say," he said quietly.

"Say that… You of all people know that I have a sex problem, and that sex doesn't mean anything. We were dating forever before WE did it. And that what we have is something special and we have a baby girl that needs us together. And that you love me."

"Sex DOES mean something, though."

"No, sex means two people did something together for pleasure. It's like… Going swimming together, or going for a walk. It's just an activity."

"What the hell kinda shit are you trying to tell me?" Carlos laughed.

"I'm desperate. AND we didn't have sex. We barely even got close, and if we were meant to, we would have. But we didn't."

"You know, that very day that I found out about this, I was gonna have a serious talk with you."

"Uh-oh."

"A good one," he sighed. "I was gonna ask you how you felt about adopting another baby. You know, once I'm better."

"That sounds… Amazing," I beamed. I hadn't even thought about another kid, but now that the idea was in my mind it got me excited.

"Well I don't want to anymore."

"Were you thinking another girl or a boy?"

"Kendall, we're not getting another kid," Carlos said sternly. "We're going through a huge speed bump right now and we can't be adding to the stress."

A nurse opened the door, getting our attention.

"Visiting hours are over," she said politely. We nodded and she disappeared.

"I guess I should go find Logan and Ad," I said.

"Yeah."

"I love you."

Carlos said nothing, but I knew he wanted to say it back.

I pressed a long kiss to his temple, surprised that he let me, and got up to leave.

"And I hope you start to feel better," I said, turning at the door. "And I think you're still pretty."

Carlos looked up at me, a sad smile on his face, and he raised a hand to wave- the one with a white patient's bracelet on it.

* * *

**Poor Carlos is so torn on what he wants. :/ Poor baby just wants to be loved- he's so sick!**


	13. Just Be There For Me

Carlos wasn't expecting Logan to come into his room that morning.

"Hey, honey, shouldn't you be at work?" he asked as Logan sat on the bed beside him, arms crossed, looking upset. Carlos turned the TV to mute and looked over at his friend.

"Everything's a mess," Logan said, staring at his shoes.

"Loge, why aren't you at work?"

"I didn't go to work today."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm upset."

"Okaaaay…"

"I freaking LOVE Kendall's guts, and I've completely cut all ties with him. Which upsets me. You're having the roughest time of your life with Kendall and the chemo, which upsets me. And I'm lonely and single and nobody loves me, which upsets me."

"Don't talk that way."

"And our lives were so perfect before you got sick, now it's all downhill. I got to take care of Addie and be her best friend and Kendall was okay with me and you were healthy and your marriage was healthy and everyone loved everyone," Logan said. "But now everything's shit."

"Well it has to rain before there can be a rainbow," Carlos said gently.

"Our whole lives have been rainbows. What if it never gets better?"

"Then… We still have each other. Always."

"Yeah."

"And we always have Addie."

"But… What scared me the most was when I woke up this morning and thought 'Wouldn't it be better to be dead?'" Logan said weakly. "And then I came here because I was scared."

"I thought that this morning, too," Carlos said quietly. "Sometimes we have those days where maybe it WOULD be better to be dead. Like my whole life lately. But I have to push through for you, for Kenny, for Addie, for my family, because when the rainbow DOES come back, you guys need me there to share the happiness with."

"I thought that James could be the one to make my rainbow even better," Logan said, playing with his fingers. "Turns out, he was the one to ruin everything."

"I don't blame him for any of this," Carlos said, laying his cheek on Logan's shoulder. "It was meant to happen and it did. It would have happened whether it was him or not."

"How could you say that?"

"It's an obstacle to strengthen mine and Kenny's relationship."

"What? No! You can't be thinking about getting back with him! He CHEATED on you!" Logan was suddenly sitting up, facing Carlos.

"I love him!"

"He hurt you! I would never hurt you like he did!"

Carlos paused, the two just staring at each other.

"Logie, that special man WILL come along. I promise. You're a catch. But that man isn't me," Carlos said softly. "I've already found my special man."

"But I love you," Logan said pitifully. "I love you in all the ways possible."

Carlos twisted his lips, taking a deep breath and hugging Logan.

"I think I'll try going to that gay bar again," Logan said into Carlos' shoulder.

"No, no. YOUR special man doesn't go to gay bars. He… Works at an ice cream shop."

"In winter?"

"You might have to wait a few months," Carlos laughed, letting go of his best friend. "I bet he's tall and sweet and not afraid to tell you when you're being a prick. But not James."

"Not James."

* * *

It was snowing when I picked Addie up from school, and I suspected she would have a snow day the next day. She was happy to see me, ready in her coat and hat and backpack. I was glad that no matter what happened, how bad I screwed up, Addie would always be excited to see me and always rub her nose on mine and always offer me a big freckly grin when I needed it.

We went home and Addie fell asleep on the couch, which wasn't unusual, as I cleaned up a little. I didn't have anything going on that night, and I was glad to just be able to hang with Addie.

You could imagine my surprise when there was a knock at the door, and I was kind of cautious going to answer it.

I opened the door to see a tired, scruffy looking James standing there, looking at me with sorrow in his eyes.

"Um… Hey," I said, confused.

"I'm sorry, Kendall- I just wanted to come by and say I'm sorry."

I stared at him, knowing he was waiting for me to accept so he could leave. But I didn't think he SHOULD leave so quick. His normally clean-shaven face had a dark shadow of a goatee on it, his eyes tired and hair messy.

"I just finished making chili and hotdogs," I said. "There's a whole pot- we could use your help eating it."

"Does it have tomatoes?"

"Of course not. Addie hates tomatoes," I grinned, and he smiled a little, stepping in from the snow. I took his coat and scarf, tossing it onto the back of the couch.

"Ad, wake up, pumpkin, it's time for dinner," I said, shaking Addie briefly before leading James to the kitchen.

"I know I look rough," James said as I got bowls out. "I've not been doing much, and I just feel like such shit. I had to talk to someone, and I knew you would be there for me."

"It's intriguing for me to see that even sad and messy, you're still crazy sexy."

"A blessing and a curse," James laughed a little. Addie entered the room groggily, hair messy and wild. James turned and smiled timidly at the child. "Hi, Addie."

"Hi, James," Addie said, rubbing her sleepy eyes as I made her a bowl of chili. "I missed you."

"You did?"

"Daddy told me you didn't hurt him," Addie said, leaning her cheek on him briefly before following me to the little table. James looked up at me and I could tell he was relieved that Addie didn't hate him anymore. Addie sat in her usual chair and started to eat as I returned to the stove to make us food.

"You're her buddy, James, she loves you," I smiled a little. "Of course she doesn't understand what happened, but she just thought that you hurt me."

"I'm glad SOMEONE doesn't hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"I ruined your life."

"Nope, I did that all by myself," I sighed. "You're innocent. Carlos and Logan know that."

"Carlos… He hit me hard," James said.

"Let's just talk about this later and have a normal, happy meal together," I suggested, putting a warm bowl of chili into his big hand, a spoon in it.

We sat on either side of Addie in the circular table.

"So, Addie, have you been drawing anything lately?" James asked.

"Yeah," Addie shrugged as I cut up the hotdog in the red substance in her bowl. "But not a lot. I'm sad now and so I can't imagine fun stuff."

"Why're you sad? You should be happy!"

"Why're YOU sad?"

James fell silent, searching Addie's eyes, finding for the first time that she was wiser than anyone you could talk to.

"I'm sad because I made some mistakes. What about you?" he asked.

"I'm sad cause my daddies are mad at each other and I didn't see you and Logie a lot for a while," Addie said, twisting her lips.

"You're lonely?"

"Yeah."

My heart broke a little. I hated the pressures of life on Addie's shoulders lately. Carlos' disease, mine and Logan's broken relationship, her fathers' marriage troubles, her new friend James leaving her for a while.

"Well… How about tonight we work on trying to finish the box to bring to Daddy?" I suggested.

"Yeah!" Addie said excitedly.

James beamed, absorbing the happiness radiating from the little girl.

"So how's school, Addie?" he asked before taking a bite of his chili.

"It's good. I know some letters!"

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Liiiike, A and B and C and D and E and F," Addie said smartly. "But I'm not good at E's and F's."

"You'll have to practice," James said.

* * *

Addie worked on finishing the art on the cardboard box for Carlos while I made a list of what to get to put into it. So far I had a note from both of us, Peanut M&M's (his favorite), a teddy bear, and then that was it.

James had fallen silent again and was staring off into space. He needed to talk, and I think Addie could be present for it.

"So let's talk," I said.

"With Addie here?"

"She doesn't understand," I said lowly. "It's okay."

"Okay…" he said slowly, his hazel eyes flicking from Addie to me. "Well… About what Carlos said. He kept calling me a… A…" he leaned in and whispered, "WHORE."

"He didn't mean it. He hates hurting people- he's just under a lot of pressure lately."

"I know… But that's why him yelling at me affected me so much. He must REALLY hate me if he wanted to hurt me so bad," James sighed. "I used to be called that word a lot in school and I hate it. I hate that name so much, and I think he knew that."

"He didn't know that you have a thing with that word," I assured. "He just had to take it out on SOMEONE and he thought he would never see you again anyway."

"And he won't. I don't wanna see him anymore."

I sighed to myself, hating that Carlos was an enemy to James now. Carlos was so sweet and lovable- everyone should love him. I couldn't say I blamed James, though. I didn't know what was said in that room between them, but apparently it was nasty on Carlos' end.

"Do you have a roommate or something?" I asked.

"No. It's just me."

"I don't want you to be alone."

"I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I'm just moping and being regretful- I'm not gonna swallow a bunch of pills or put a gun in my mouth."

I searched his eyes, coming up clean without any trace of lies.

"You can't make this better," I finally said. "The best thing you can do is stay out of Carlos and Logan's lives."

"No! I want you!" Addie said quickly, eyes wide on James. I'm sure he's heard THAT a lot.

"Well he can still see US, Ad. We still like him."

"You can't go behind Carlos' back with me again," James said quietly. "Even if it isn't anything romantic at all."

"It won't be," I assured. "And I won't go behind his back- he'll know that I still see you. Maybe eventually you could come hang with him and Logan in the house."

James nodded a little, eyes down.

* * *

Carlos stared at himself in the mirror, not liking what he saw.

Dark bags supported his eyes over pale skin, which someone could tell SHOULD be tan. His cheeks were hollow, lips cracked and dry. The skin on his arms was translucent, showing dying muscles and dark veins beneath. After scratching his head and feeling a few black hairs tinkle to his shoulders that afternoon, he had been afraid to touch any of it. He was afraid to rub his eyes for fear his eyelashes would fall out and he wouldn't touch his eyebrows for the same reason. The hair on his arms, although thin to start with, was thinning out. He seemed to always be shaky and weak and nauseous, not wanting to eat anything.

In fact, right now he was standing here waiting for himself to vomit. He could feel it coming and knew it was inevitable.

Finally he fell to his knees and hurled into the toilet. Ah, yes. That was better.

He heard the door of the hospital room open and his little angel calling "Daddy! Where are you?".

He tried getting up, but then came another round into the toilet. He never heard the door of the bathroom open and close, but he felt a warm hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly.

Carlos spat and the toilet was flushed. Yeah, he was done now. He wiped his mouth with toilet paper and got up.

"You good?" Kendall asked, looking at him through the mirror. Gosh, Carlos loved those eyes, so caring and genuine. He missed Kendall so bad. He nodded a little, rinsing his mouth with the mouthwash Logan had gotten him.

* * *

Carlos stood back up and looked at himself in the mirror, face crumpling as he looked away.

"I hate everything," he whimpered, breaking my heart. He was always so positive and optimistic- it must be serious if he was like this. I hugged him from behind and he surprised me by turning into my chest and burying his face into my shoulder.

"I hate to see this," I said softly, rubbing my husband's back. "I wish it was me instead."

Carlos cried for a long time, me never crossing any lines other than holding him.

"You're doing so good, honey," I whispered into his hair. "We'll pull through this."

"But it's so hard."

"That's what me and Logan and Addie are here for. To help you."

Carlos suddenly stopped, breath pausing.

"Addie," he whispered. It didn't click in my mind that our daughter was out there unattended until he was hurrying out of the bathroom. I followed, finding Carlos zooming around the room, looking under the bed and such. "She's nowhere!"

Carlos stumbled, going even paler, and I hurried to stabilize him, knowing he was trying to pass out.

"Don't worry, honey," I said, taking him to the bed. "I'm gonna go find her."

I hurried out of the door.

"ADDISON RILEY," I yelled angrily, storming down the hall. After a few minutes, my anger turned to worry. I didn't think she was tall enough to reach the elevator buttons or strong enough to open the door to the stairs, but she wasn't on this floor.

I hurriedly ran down the stairs to the lobby, too anxious to take the slow elevator. I figured that the "L" button was the only one she ever saw us push- she must have pushed it and went to the lobby. I burst out the door, hurrying to the front desk.

"Have you seen a little girl with curly red hair anywhere? She's only five," I said frantically to the woman at the desk.

"No, sir, I'm sorry."

"Thanks," I breathed, hurrying away. I guessed I should go to every floor and look, because she wasn't here. What could a five-year-old be doing, roaming around in a hospital? Images of her getting into a safety box of needles or eating pills she finds exploded in my mind.

I went through every floor- only 5- coming up with nothing until I decided that maybe she found her way back to Carlos' room and went to his floor.

I got into the elevator this time, not believing who I found in there. You guessed it.

"Ad!" I breathed, falling to my knees and hugging her tight.

"You're a horrible father," came a menacing scowl from above- Logan. I didn't care.

"I was so worried, baby, your Daddy almost passed out because you were gone!" I said, kissing her face.

"I found her in the lobby, sitting casually in a chair looking at a US magazine," Logan retorted and I stood.

"Thanks, Logan, I was looking around forever."

"Tell him why you left, Ad," Logan said to my daughter, dark eyes hard on mine.

"Cause I had to pee, but you were in the bathroom, and I couldn't wait, so I went to find another one, but those were big potties, so I asked a doctor lady to help me and she did, then I tried to come back but I got lost."

"A stranger helped her in the bathroom, Kendall," Logan growled. "She could have been sexually assaulted."

"I realize that, LOGAN, but there's nothing I could do about it. Besides- it was a DOCTOR that helped her."

"You LEFT her UNATTENDED."

"We came in and Carlos was puking his guts out in the bathroom," I explained angrily. "Was I supposed to bring her in there with me? Is that something that she should SEE, Logan? Should she see her father puking his fucking brains out or see him get his chemo or see his hair fall out or see him too weak to stand? Maybe we should let her be there next time he pulls a tuft of his hair out and bursts into tears!"

"That's not what I'm saying," Logan said angrily.

"THEN WHAT?"

There was a ding and the elevator doors opened. Logan snatched Addie up and stormed out.

I totally understood his view- as a father, I shouldn't have left her alone. But I KNEW I was right about this- I had to take care of Carlos, and she could NOT be in there to see her father that way. There was nothing I could do to keep Addie in the room at that point!

"What would YOU have done, Logan?" I demanded, following close behind. He suddenly stopped and turned to me, making me almost crash into him.

"I'm taking her," he hissed, knowing Carlos' room was close and not wanting Carlos to hear.

"No you're not."

"Until you can get your shit together, she's not okay living with you. She's craving attention and love and fun and you're not giving it to her. You left her alone to roam the hospital. You let her see you cheat on your husband. You don't even fix her hair, Kendall! She's sad!"

"She's my DAUGHTER, Logan, you don't have the right to take her!"

"I'm her godfather and I have the right to remove her if I think she needs it. And I do."

"Stop fighting!" Addie demanded in his arms.

"You're not taking her!"

"You're a horrible father!"

"Nuh-uh, he's a GOOD daddy!" Addie insisted. "He gives me hugs and kisses and makes me food and helps me in the bath!"

Logan paused, turning his head to her.

"SHE doesn't think she should be removed, and that's all that matters," I said lowly. "I'm in a bad place right now, and she knows that."

"And it's okay to be in a bad place. It'll be easier without her," he said gently.

"Nooo, then I'll be in a WORSE place."

"This little girl needs attention and love and a playmate and a best friend, and you're not giving it to her," Logan said, eyes flicking between mine.

"Logan Mitchell, I swear to GOD," came a voice and we found Carlos making his way to us. "Stop being so damn DRAMATIC!"

Logan's mouth snapped shut and I smirked a little.

"So fucking WHAT, Addie escaped? It's my fault, too!" Carlos lectured as Logan let Addie down. "She probably had more fun today than she has in a long time!"

"A stranger had to help her in the bathroom! She coulda been RAPED!"

"But she wasn't!"

"LOS!"

"Logan, I am SO sick of your bullshit! You're doing stuff just because you hate Kendall. If you had picked Addie up from school and came in and I was getting sick, you woulda done the same thing and nobody would be mad! If it was just me that lost Addie, you wouldn't be mad! But JUST because it was Kenny, you're threatening to TAKE our daughter from him!"

"But-"

"SHUT UP! Logie, I love you to death, but Jesus Christ, just cool your god damn JETS! You're always so dramatic and I hate it! I don't NEED drama in my life right now, I NEED all three of you to at least be able to be in the same room peacefully for me!"

Logan stared at the floor, looking angry but obedient.

"If I didn't think Kenny could hand Addie himself, I would have had you move in with him or something! He's a fantastic father and sure, he doesn't fulfill everything she needs, but that's MY job! So step the fuck OFF, Logie, and just be there for me as my best friend!"

"STOP FIGHTING!" Addie screeched, pushing at Carlos' legs like he would lunge for Logan. "I'M TIRED OF YOU GUYS YELLING! STOP!"

Carlos' eyes widened, full of pure sorrow. He looked down at Addie and dropped to his knees.

Addie threw her arms around his neck, shaking and crying, and he hugged her back in wonder.

"I don't like the yelling and the hitting," she said. "It scares me."

"I know, baby. I know. You were right to yell at me," Carlos said quietly, eyes tearing up. "There's no reason to yell in front of you."

I looked up at Logan and he turned his head to me, concern on his face. Now we did it. We made Carlos cry, and that wasn't okay.

"Ad, you're gonna go spend the night at Logie's house tonight. Would you like that?" Carlos asked. My heart broke, not because he wanted Addie away from me, but because he wanted her with Logan, because Logan needed her for a while. Besides- it was only a night, and I knew she loved staying the night with Logan. I watched Logan smile a little, Carlos' eyes raising to him and returning it.

"Yeah, I like staying there."

"Okay. You have to keep him company and make him have fun, okay? He really needs that. Daddy'll pick you up there after work tomorrow, so you'll spend all day having fun with Logie. Okay?"

Addie pulled from him, beaming, and turned to Logan.

"Can we get pizza and ice cream and watch Shrek?" she asked excitedly.

"What else would we do?" Logan beamed. "We'll do whatever you want."

"K-Kenny?" Carlos suddenly said weakly.

"Hm?"

"I'm going down."

"Oh," Logan said quietly, pulling Addie from Carlos as he put a hand on the floor, fighting unconsciousness. He had gotten too excited with the yelling and the hugging and the happiness and was passing out- another side effect of his chemo. I hurried to him, carefully letting his body down on the floor as he went limp, making sure his head landed gently.

Addie let out a shrill scream, Logan clapping a hand over her mouth.

"Shh, it's okay, pumpkin, Daddy just got too excited," I explained, calming her. I picked Carlos up bridal style- he was so light… He didn't used to be so thin and petite. I knew his bones were fragile and he was susceptible to infection and bruising and bleeding very easily, and that he didn't eat much anymore and if he did he threw it up. It broke my heart- he must be able 120 pounds now.

I lay Carlos in his bed beneath the blankets before staring at him.

I hated to see him that way. He was so small in that bed, cheeks hollow and pale, arms so thin and translucent with a blood-taking valve stuck in the back of his hand. Those lips that I've longed to kiss for so long, which used to be pink and ever smiling, were now pale and cracked.

Logan, on the other side of the bed, ran a hand through Carlos' hair gingerly, obviously thinking the same thing as me. When he brought his hand up, little tufts of short black hair remained in his fingers.

Logan's eyes rose to me, shocked, before he dropped the hair on the floor and closed his eyes.

"We didn't gave Daddy his present," Addie said, cheek leaning on my hip. I lay my hand on her shoulder and smiled a little, remembering the painted cardboard box in the corner of the room, filled with some of Carlos' favorite things.

"How about we leave it there on his food table before we go, so when he wakes up he can have a nice surprise?" I suggested. "Then you can go to Logie's. Sound good?"

"Yeah, Ad, we'll go pick up the pizza and ice cream and look for a movie to watch," Logan said excitedly. He loved playing Daddy with Addie, I knew he did. He loved making her food and changing her clothes like a Barbie and bathing her and the way she loves to cuddle when she watches TV or a movie and I knew they always slept together when she was over, because she was afraid to sleep alone in the living room. I think Logan loved sleeping with her, because it wasn't often he got to cuddle someone to sleep besides Carlos occasionally- even his dates, the few he had sex with, often had to leave that night. He wanted a man to marry and have his own child with, I knew, but he wasn't having much luck with that, so he had to settle for his goddaughter.

Soon Addie and Logan were gone. I sat the box on the swiveling food tray and took the note pad and pen from the night stand.

_Sorry we didn't get to say goodbye, but Ad and I made this for you, just because we love you. Logan was excited to take Addie home- I get why you made her go there now. I hope you feel better and I love you._

_-Kendall_

I folded the paper in half and wrote _Los _on it, standing it in front of the box.

* * *

**The whole "James" situation is tricky, cause you know Logan and Carlos won't like him still hanging around. Not sure how to feel about the whole thing anymore. :D And gosh it felt so good to write Carlos telling Logan off.**


	14. Surprises

Logan woke up that morning, heart soaring as he found that Addie was cuddled into his chest, snoring a little, his arms tight around her. He loved waking up to someone cuddling him. LOVED it.

He slowly got up, laying Addie peacefully in his big and comfy bed. She was spoiled when she stayed with Uncle Logie. She got pizza and ice cream and could stay up late and didn't have to take a bath and then at the end of it all she got to sleep in Logan's huge, soft, WARM bed with him. In the morning, Logan never woke her up- he let her sleep as long as she wanted.

He honestly LOVED playing Daddy with his niece. He loved making her food and cuddling her and giving her kisses and playing with her.

He made his way to the kitchen- what a mess. It had pizza crusts and splatters of ice cream and dirty dishes everywhere. He decided he should clean that up.

* * *

Having his chemo was a relaxing time for Carlos. He got to sit in his room, watch TV, and just let the medicine flow in through a vein in his hand. He was ordered to relax, so he did, but he was SO glad he didn't have to do it so much anymore.

He was excited to be going home today. Kendall was picking him up before he gets Addie- nobody mentioned it to Addie, so it was to be a surprise for her.

He also had a surprise to tell Kendall… Sometime… At the right time.

Carlos was so happy to be sleeping in his own bed that night, warm and cozy in Kendall's arms. Jeez, he missed cuddling. And then the next morning Kendall and Addie would make him Sunday breakfast and they would watch cartoons and eat as a family.

He remembered those days when he and Kendall were but newlyweds and Addie was a baby. Sunday mornings were Carlos' favorite- Kendall never worked on Sundays and it was Carlos' day to take care of him, plus Logan hardly came over on Sunday mornings. Carlos always got up early to make something to eat- pancakes, French toast, or just eggs and bacon. Then they would sit in their kitchen, the warm light pouring in through the window, and eat together. After that, they would wake Addie up and give her a bottle before going out to do something- whether it was going to the grocery or taking Addie on a walk in her stroller, it didn't matter.

Carlos once again took the cardboard box from the table to admire it. He loved how thoughtful the gift was, and his favorite part was the tiny pink handprints beside the huge green ones- he wanted to add his own on the other side of Addie's.

Inside were a few drawings that Addie made, colored with all blacks and greys and reds. Carlos hated that- he wished Addie would use colors again. In the box was also a long note that Kendall wrote- very sappy and cute- with a cute little teddy bear, peanut M&M's, and some other candy.

Gosh, he missed Kendall so much. The note reminded him of that. It made him want Kendall to hug him and kiss him and tell him he loves him.

Wait… He shouldn't feel that way. He should hate Kendall's guts for what he did. But he had been head-over-heels for Kendall since they met, how could he just DROP that? He didn't want to!

He was just excited to go home and let Kendall take care of everything and for them to be a family again.

* * *

Addie had asked to go get ice cream at Dairy Queen, so of course Logan couldn't resist. He had a weakness for chocolatey Blizzards with extra M&M's.

They waited at the counter for a long time, hardly anyone in the kitchen. Logan angrily sat Addie on the counter as they waited, ringing the bell a few times.

After five minutes, by the end of it Logan was seething, a young man hurried up to the register.

"Sorry for the wait, sir," the young man apologized, sporting a black DQ apron, which Logan took note of the name "Dak" right away, so he could report him. But when he looked up at the person, he had to note his attraction, like most other guys his age.

Dak had light brown, messy hair, with a big smile and light green eyes. He stood a bit taller than Logan- a good height, but not as tall as Logan liked.

"Um, no problem," he found himself saying.

"Your order's on us," Dak smiled. "What would you like?"

Logan ordered and Dak gave him a number to stand on their table.

"Ad," Logan said as they sat at a booth. "Did you think that boy was pretty?"

Addie twisted her lips thoughtfully.

"Not as pretty as you, Logie," she said.

"Suck-up," Logan giggled.

"Can we get married?"

"I don't think so."

"When I'm older?"

Logan grinned, loving Addie's innocence.

"Maybe when you're older," he said.

"Good. I love you, Logie," Addie beamed.

"I love YOU."

"One extra chocolatey mini Blizzard, with extra M&M's," the waiter, Dak, said as he neared the table, putting the Blizzard in front of Logan before putting the strawberry sundae before Addie. "And one strawberry sundae, even if it IS a Saturday."

"Extra en-im-mems?" Addie beamed, failing to say "M&M's". "Logie LOVES those!"

"Of course he does, who doesn't?" Dak grinned.

Logan smiled a little, biting his lip at the ice cream. He hadn't even mentioned that he wanted extra M&M's. Was this guy hitting on him in the form of candy? It had been a while since he had been hit on last.

Dak turned to Logan, shaking his head.

"Your daughter's adorable," he said.

"Oh- she's not my daughter," Logan laughed. "She's my neice."

"Logie thinks you're pretty," Addie beamed.

"ADDIE!" Logan hissed, covering his face in embarrassment.

"But I telled him that he's prettier."

"Well boys aren't pretty," Dak said matter-of-factly. "Boys are HANDSOME. And I think you're right- he's much more handsome than me."

"Logie!" Addie whispered excitedly. "I think he likes you!"

"Addison Riley, you are SO dead!" Logan groaned through his hands.

"Logie's en-barrassed," Addie giggled up to Dak, little freckly nose scrunched up.

"He's almost as red as your hair," Dak observed.

Logan finally took his hands from his face and dared to look up at Dak.

"Sorry. She doesn't really have a filter," Logan apologized. "Neither do I."

"Enjoy your ice cream, Logie," Dak smirked.

"That's… Not my name," Logan laughed, turning redder. "It's Logan."

"Well since we're talking about REAL names, I'm DAKOTA. Dak for short."

"Why not Kota?"

"Because then my name would be KOTA," Dak smirked. "Okay, I'm being weird, I'm gonna go."

Despite the embarrassment, Logan was sort of glad Addie said what she did, because now he knew that Dak was into him right back. It wasn't often that there was an attractive young man who Logan hit on that was gay, too, and showed interest.

"Sorry, Logie," Addie said sadly, spooning out a little strawberry and eating it.

"That's okay, baby," Logan smirked. "But you have to go get his phone number for me before we leave, okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

Carlos was already waiting for me out in the waiting room, big box in his lap, comfortable in his normal clothes instead of hospital clothes.

"Hey, you," he smiled, getting up slowly. Gosh I missed him, and I was determined to stabilize our relationship now that he was home. I kissed his cheek cheerfully and took the box from him.

After signing release forms, I helped Carlos into the front seat of the van.

"You know, I love you," Carlos said thoughtfully, dark eyes on me as I started the vehicle. I had to grin- I loved that even thought I fucked up big time, he still gave me googly eyes.

"I love YOU," I grinned.

"I can't wait to be Daddy again," Carlos said excitedly, turning the radio station, showing me that he was finished being gooey with me.

"I can't, either. Maybe our daughter will stop being psychotic," I smirked, hoping he didn't get mad about that.

"I'm gonna try to see what's up," Carlos said, relieving me. "I noticed that her drawings were in black and grey… I guess she's just stressed out and sad."

"But that's not okay for a five-year-old," I reminded him. "Especially not Addie."

"It'll get better once I'm home."

"Everything'll get better once you're home."

Carlos grinned sweetly at me as I turned into Logan's apartment complex.

Of course, Addie was surprised as all hell when she saw Carlos enter the apartment with me in normal clothes.

"Daddy!" she squealed, slamming into him to hug him. I knew he could easily bruise, but I didn't know HOW easily. He didn't seem too worried about it.

"Ready to go home, baby girl?" Carlos asked. She pulled away and gave him a kiss, rubbing her nose with his like usual.

"Let's go!" she said, practically pulling him away.

"Ad! Do I not get hugs?" Logan asked with a laugh. I knew he understood that it wasn't personal- she was just excited to be taking Daddy home.

"Oh! Hang on," she said up to Carlos cutely before running to hug Logan and kiss him and rub their noses together. "Love you!"

"I love YOU."

I picked Addie up, knowing Carlos was too weak to do it.

"Were you good?" Carlos asked her, smoothing down her tight French braid.

"She was awesome. AND she was my wing-girl. I got a phone number," Logan said proudly.

"Yeah? Is he cute?" Carlos beamed.

"He works at DQ and he's VERY nice and VERY cute."

"At DQ?"

Both men went silent, staring at one another, confusing Addie and me.

"What am I missing?" I finally asked.

"I TOLD you he works at an ice cream place!" Carlos burst excitedly.

"It's just a coincidence," Logan laughed.

"Is NOT! I'm psychic!" Carlos' eyes turned to me. "I told him that his Mr. Right works at an ice cream shop, and I was RIGHT!"

"Nooo, his name is Dak!" Addie said defensively.

"I don't know about Mr. Right," Logan laughed. "But there's definitely chemistry."

I smiled a little, happy to hear that Logan was going for other men, specifically not my HUSBAND. Like I've said before, he deserves someone great who can deal with his shit and give him the attention he needs.

* * *

Carlos insisted he wanted to be up and moving- he was tired of lying around. He insisted on making a cake with Addie to celebrate his homecoming, and I stayed close in case he decided to pass out.

"Tell me a story, Ad," Carlos suggested as he expertly cracked an egg into the cake mix in the bowl.

"Okay. About what?"

"About… A turtle."

I could tell he was trying to analyze her. Trying to see if she said anything disturbing or morbid.

"Okay. Once there was a turtle named… Mr. T," Addie began.

"I pity the fool," I mocked in a deep voice, making Carlos smirk and Addie burst into giggles, not knowing who Mr. T was.

"And he had a husband named Mr. T, too!" she said happily. A lot of the time her characters had wives, but sometimes she made them have husbands or if it was a female they had wives, and it wasn't a big deal to her. "And everyone always got them mixed up, cause they had the same name."

"Kinda like us," Carlos laughed. "How we're both 'Daddy' to you and we never know who you want."

"Yeah! And so the turtles leaved their pond because they didn't liked how nobody knowed their names, and they moved to the desert," Addie said as Carlos handed her the big spoon to stir the contents of the bowl. "And in the desert they made a sand house, but it was too small, so they had to sleep on each otherses backs. And Mr. T always made his husband turtle soup, and his husband always said 'I can't eat this! This is made of my brother!'"

This made Carlos and I laugh- she was so imaginative.

"And so Mr. T had to go to the store so he could make other stuff for his husband, and he meeted a kitty cat that weared purple boots and had green stripes, and the kitty cat said 'MEOW!' and Mr. T said 'I don't understand kitty language!' And then he buyed candy to eat for dinner, and him and his husband got fat and couldn't get out of their house. The end."

"You know, Ad, you tell the best stories," I smiled, glad she didn't come up with anything about Mr. T having a baby that was deformed or Mr. T eating his husband because he was a cannibal.

"She's so cute," Carlos beamed, taking the spoon from our daughter to stir faster. Maybe he was right- once he was home and everything started to normalize, Addie would get back to her old self. She wasn't crazy. Well, she WAS, but not too badly.

* * *

I timidly came out of the bathroom and turned out the light, entering our bedroom where Carlos was sitting up against the headboard, curiously looking through my phone.

I knew he was looking for texts between James and I, and he would find some, but nothing bad. I deleted the past ones and recently the only ones were me checking on him, seeing if he was okay, and him asking how Carlos was.

Carlos' eyes rose to me, but he didn't put my phone down.

"Whatcha digging for?" I asked, sitting on his side of the bed. I didn't know if he wanted me sleeping in the bed with him, so I was looking for any signs that told me what he preferred. Of course, I would love to sleep here and cuddle him and maybe get a goodnight kiss, but I wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

"Sexy texts," Carlos smirked. "Not finding any. You're boring."

"Well, if you look under the texts that say 'Los' with a little heart, you might find some."

"Doubtful."

"Yeah," I laughed. He locked my phone and put it on the night stand, knowing I wasn't mad that he was snooping. The fact that I didn't snatch it away angrily told him that there was nothing in the phone to hide. He wasn't a jealous person- he knew how I felt about him and trusted me. However, I knew that that trust was broken now.

Carlos suddenly turned solemn, hugging his knees.

"I don't wanna do chemo anymore."

Wow. What a subject changer.

"I know it's hard," I said, running a finger over the pale tan skin on the top of his foot. "But it's almost over."

"This is the hardest time of my life."

"And I didn't help anything," I mumbled. "But you're doing great."

"I look horrible, I FEEL horrible."

"I think you're gorgeous," I said sweetly, making him smile. "On the bright side, I think if ALL your hair was gonna fall out, it would have by now," I said. "It's just thinning out, but I think it still looks normal."

Carlos looked up at me hopefully and I smiled a little. His hair had been falling out in little bits for a few days now, and his short black hair was getting thin, but I honestly believed that it wouldn't ALL go.

"You could be like some chemo patients and have their eyelashes and eyebrows and arm hair and leg hair fall out, too," I offered. "At least that didn't happen."

"That IS really lucky."

"And at least you have a support team."

"A small one," Carlos mumbled.

"It's not just me and Logan and Addie, though," I insisted. "It's your parents and brothers and family and James and-"

"Don't even."

I paused, meaning for James' name to make a POSITIVE impact- James DID support Carlos and DID worry about his condition. I considered him part of the support team.

"He's a great guy," I said softly. "I promise."

"Great guys don't sleep with married men."

"We didn't SLEEP together."

Carlos' eyes dropped from mine.

"How long did you see James romantically?" he asked.

"Not long. Like a week or two."

"Did his mouth feel good?"

I hesitated, knowing I couldn't lie to him. The first step to me gaining his trust back was telling him the absolute truth.

"It felt great," I said simply. "He was an expert."

Carlos brows knitted and he hugged his knees tighter.

"You know… I wasn't going to do it," I said softly. "He told me that he gets tested for STD's a lot, because he has a lot of sex. That turned me off a whole lot, and if he wasn't so hypnotizing, I would have backed out. I guess there's something about a man who only has sex with people he feels for that gets me going. But to him, sex is a sport."

"Whore."

"Carlos!"

"He ruined my life."

"Do you know how bad it hurt him when you called him a whore? He told me that he got called that in high school and he hates that word."

Although Carlos' eyes weren't on mine, I could see that the news of him hurting someone so badly affected him.

"He came over the other day," I said.

Carlos' head snapped up, eyes ablaze, ready to divorce me on the spot.

"He came to apologize to me for hurting me so bad," I said quickly. "He looked horrible. Well, I mean he was scruffy and stuff. I invited him to have dinner with me and Addie, and he told me that he was depressed and felt beyond guilty for everything. He knows he made a mistake. And know what? He told me he didn't want to be 'friends with benefits' from the beginning."

"You're not helping yourself."

"I'm telling you the absolute truth because I owe that to you."

"I don't want to hear it."

I took a deep breath and lay down across the bed, hands over my face.

"Everything's a mess," I said.

"Kenny… I have news…"

"Please no more."

Carlos said nothing and I sat up to look at him. He looked timid and sad, but not crying. I had no idea what he could be trying to tell me, but something said that I didn't want to hear it.

"I'll be dead within a month."

I thought that he was joking- like that was something to laugh about.

"The doctors said that my liver is shutting down," Carlos explained. "And I'm on the waiting list for a new one… But like it was with the kidneys, kids are above me."

"Well… There're other options."

"Yeah, if we could find someone with my blood type who could donate a piece of their liver, but I'm type A and I don't know anyone with that type."

"You're not accepting this."

"Kenny… It's obvious that I'm just meant to be dead."

"NO."

"We don't even have the money for all this treatment. Only someone with blood types O or A can donate to me."

"I'll do it," I insisted.

"You're type B and Logie's AB."

"MAYBE."

"It's highly possible."

"So what, then?"

"Then I'm here to live life and die peacefully."

"What? NO!"

"Kendall, you're gonna wake Addie up."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Carlos was NEVER one to give up! He had me and Addie and Logan to live for and he KNEW that! How could he say that he was here to die? How could he give up?

I sprung up, gripping my hair, crying now. I was panicking.

"Kenny, there's no reason to get upset. It's meant to be."

"You can't DIE, Los! You CAN'T DIE because I love you too much and Addie and Logan love you too much. What happens to ADDIE if you die? You're her Superman!"

"You and Logie can take care of her. You've proven that."

I was gasping for air like a fish out of water, blind through my tears.

"No! No, no, no, no NO!"

Suddenly Carlos stopped me from pacing and I was in his arms.

"You can't die because I love you too much," I whined as he shushed me.

"A miracle could happen and a donor could come along," he said softly. "But what happens when everything else quits working?"

"I'll donate all of my organs for you."

Carlos shushed me, rubbing my back as I sobbed.

"Why is everything so bad for you?" I sobbed. "You're the best person I know! You don't deserve this!"

"The worst things happen to the best people," he said softly. "It's a rule."

My chest was so tight- I couldn't breathe. I was shaking hard, tears spilling uncontrollably.

"The sooner you accept this," Carlos whispered. "The sooner you can make my last month the best it can possibly be."

I couldn't even talk at this point.

Carlos pulled away a little and his hands appearing in my hair, smoothing it down. Then his fingers started to wipe away my tears and snot. Finally his lips pressed to that familiar spot he always kissed, where my dimple was when I smiled.

"I need you to be strong for me," Carlos said softly, but my eyes were closed.

"Are you scared?" I got out.

"No."

I looked down at him, seeing wise eyes. I just wished I could see him as he was before, with his skin tan and glowing and his lips plump and pink. I missed his glowing eyes and his big smile.

I then vowed that he couldn't spend this precious time worrying about ME and comforting ME. He was right- if this was his last month, I had to make it the best. But it wouldn't be his last month- I had to try with everything I had to make sure of that.

"You're the only person that knows and will ever know," he said softly, taking my hands.

"Why would you tell me?"

"I had to tell SOMEONE… And Logie couldn't be it."

I nodded miserably.

I wished he hadn't told me. I wished he had kept it a secret.

Then again, if he hadn't shared the news, I wouldn't be on a mission to save him and he really would die.

* * *

**EVERYBODY JUST CHILL.**

**I have a plan.**


	15. Precious Time

I woke up wrapped in blankets alone in my bed- nothing weird about that. I was used to waking up alone. I stretched and grunted, enjoying the white winter light pouring in through the open curtains.

Wait… There was only one person that opened the curtains in the mornings.

I grinned, sitting up, remembering that my husband was home.

But THEN I remembered the horrible news he gave me the night before and my guts turned rotten. I wanted to think it was all a dream- that my baby was on the way to recovery- but I knew good and well that it was real.

I got up, noticing loud music pouring in beneath the door and smiling a little. It was like old times, when I woke up with Carlos in the kitchen with Addie making breakfast, singing along to the radio.

My bare feet padded on the carpet as I happily exited the bedroom, the music becoming louder. I was right- there in the kitchen, Carlos was shaking his cute little butt to the beat as he stood before a skillet of bacon, Addie sitting on the counter and cracking eggs into a bowl, both clad in pajamas.

"Daddy!" Addie chirped excitedly, catching sight of me and dropping egg shell into the bowl as she opened her arms for me. Wait, was THIS a dream? This was all way too perfect.

I hugged Addie and gave her a kiss before turning to find Carlos picking eggshells out of the bowl.

"Morning," he smiled, feeling me watching him. "How'd you sleep?"

"Really, really good," I said.

"Me, too. The best I've slept in forever. I guess it's because I had the cutest cuddle buddy this time."

"I thought I was the cutest cuddle buddy," Addie pouted.

"Okay, you're the cutest. Your daddy's the most HANDSOME. Happy?"

Addie nodded in acceptance and Carlos smiled up at me.

"Can I help with something?" I asked looking over Carlos' head at the bacon. Honestly, I was afraid to cook bacon. I always hated when the oil cracked and burned me, so that was one thing that Carlos was always in charge of. I know, how chivalrous of me, right?

"You can make some toast."

"On it."

I started for the pantry for bread, but Carlos stopped me with his spatula, making an oil spot on my shirt.

"No good morning kiss?" he pouted. Wow. This really might be a dream. Or maybe I had passed out after Carlos gave me the news last night and slipped into a coma. I hadn't kissed Carlos on the lips in forever, it felt like.

I bent my neck to meet his cracked lips in a swift but powerful kiss before he pronounced it over with rubbing his nose with mine.

"Hey! No kissing!" Addie giggled.

"Sorry, Addiebear," Carlos smirked, slapping my butt with the spatula to send me on my way.

* * *

I sat up on the stage an hour earlier than usual, but I would be ending like normal. I was working up extra time for money.

I strummed a chord to test the guitar amp and nodded.

"Hi, everyone," I said into the mic, looking for that usual tall, dark, mysterious man at the bar and not seeing him. I guess it wouldn't be ideal that he showed up anyway. "My name is Kendall and I'll be your entertainment tonight."

"YAY DADDY!" Addie called as Carlos wooped from the table toward the middle of the dining area. Logan sat beside Carlos sipping his drink. He hated that Carlos was lovey toward me again, and I didn't blame him.

Carlos was excited to finally get to come to one of my little gigs- he never got the chance to see me perform. Now he and Addie and Logan sat at the table with just drinks, it not being not quite dinner time yet.

I sang my heart out to him, I really did. Some songs I sang to Addie, like the one I wrote for her- Cover Girl- but most were for Carlos. Even Logan seemed to melt down into a puddle and watch me, dark eyes mesmerized.

After the first hour, I got a little break in which I went to sit with them.

"That was so great," Carlos beamed as I picked Addie up to sit in her chair, her in my lap. She gave me a big sloppy kiss, making me laugh.

"You're actually good," Logan noted.

"You seem surprised."

"I guess I've never heard you seriously sing," Logan shrugged. I realized that Carlos was being really quiet, and I knew it wasn't because he was embarrassed about crying a few times in my performance.

"Wassa matter?" I asked him seriously.

"Nothing," Carlos sighed. "I'm just feeling bad."

"What kind of bad?" Logan asked.

"Nauseous. Probably just from being out- I haven't been out for a long time."

"You guys should go on home- you don't want to watch the same thing twice," I reasoned. "Go on home and pick some dinner up on the way."

"I wanna stay and watch you," Carlos pouted.

"You can't be spewing in an eating area, honey," I smirked. "It's okay- I'll be home soon. I'll grab a bite before I leave."

"Let's go home and eat some Chinese and watch a movie," Logan suggested. "Lay down on in bed and snuggle a little."

"Watch it," I growled. I knew that he was fully aware that Carlos and I both knew about his little crush on my husband. Maybe it wasn't still here- I don't know- but it still bothered me.

"I think that's exactly what I need," Carlos said regardless. "Some Logie-Los-Addie time."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Love you," Carlos sang cutely.

I checked the clock on my phone, seeing that I had to go back up on stage now.

"Okay, I have to go," I sighed. "You guys have fun without me."

"I'll draw you pitures, Daddy," Addie said nobly as she kissed my cheek and climbed carefully into Carlos' lap. I knew Carlos was in pain when Addie hugged him too hard or sat in his lap, but he loved her and her affection too much to make her stop.

I kissed my husband's cheek, telling him I hoped he felt better, and went back up on stage. I hated that vomiting was such a regular thing for Carlos that he was used to it. He used to be afraid to throw up- he cried when it happened and he wouldn't deal with Addie when she puked. But now it was so normal to him- a part of his everyday life.

As I sang, I kept thinking about ways to get Carlos a new liver. How important WAS a liver? I knew that kidneys weren't that big a deal- Carlos didn't even HAVE kidneys anymore. By the way he talked, a liver is essential and he would die when it shut down completely.

He also said that the rest of his organs can easily shut down because of the leukemia. What got me the most was that we paid so much money for chemotherapy to save his life and still the leukemia was killing him. What was the point of chemo if it would end the same anyway?

It wasn't easy for an adult to get an organ transplant. Normally sick kids were at the top of the list, and although most can't use an adult liver anyway because of the size, teenagers could adapt, then young adults were next. Carlos wasn't a young adult anymore, and people with better chances of survival were on the list atop him. The chances were greater for him to get his kidney because he would survive that easily and he had a family to live for, but his luck wasn't so great this time around.

I didn't know anyone with the right blood type to even consider donating to Carlos. Maybe my family, but I don't know their types, obviously, and Carlos could never ask for them to do that. It was the same for any possible person- Carlos wouldn't be able to ask a person for a piece of their liver, which could regenerate and heal his.

I was running out of time- I only had a month maximum- and maybe talking to someone about this would help- a fresh mind would have fresh ideas.

I was in luck, because James entered the bar right on schedule. As he walked to his usual seat, he looked at me monotonously. I smiled at him as I sang and he smiled a little back before turning away. He looked a little better now- he shaved and was dressed in jeans and a coat, his hair a little messy, but in a sexy way.

I couldn't resist- I had to play his song for him. Our song? That sounds a little… Romantic, right? Well, it's the song that symbolizes us, let's put it that way. "When I Was Your Man."

After finishing up, I hurriedly packed up my guitar and tips and went to the bar. He must have been expecting me, because he turned to me, smiling a little. Not sure why, but I hugged his shoulders then, like Addie does sometimes. I missed him- it was weird.

"Hey," he laughed in surprise.

"Hi," I breathed, finally letting go of him to sit beside him.

"You played my song."

"I did. It's tradition," I laughed as the bartender put a bottle of beer before me.

"I never thought that that song could be so relevant," James laughed a little.

I took a sip of my beer and thought a second.

"Do you wanna grab a bite?" I asked suddenly. "I need to talk to you."

James' eyes seemed to light up and he flashed that old charming James grin.

* * *

James seemed in better spirits once we arrived at the sports pub near the bar. We decided on sodas instead of beers, since we already drank one and we had to drive home safely.

I looked at James scanning the menu from across the table, the dim light above our booth making shadows over his face, his long llama lashes making patterns on his cheeks.

"Does Carlos know you're here with me?" James asked, eyes rising as he folded the menu.

"No."

I could tell that James was uncomfortable sneaking around with me, so I decided to put his fears to rest with just a tiny white lie. I had gotten good at that lately.

"I told him that I'm gonna remain friends with you, though," I lied. I had told Carlos that I had seen James since they talked at the hospital, but that was it. "He understands."

"Okay," he accepted with a little smile. "How is he?"

"He's out of the hospital," I said cheerfully. "Back home- Addie's thrilled."

"I bet she is. They're really close, aren't they?"

"REALLY close," I smiled a little, but really my heart was tearing. I remembered what Carlos said about him dying within a month and thought about Addie and how she would take it.

I could tell that James saw that something was on my mind, but didn't know how fragile of a subject it was so didn't ask.

The waitress soon came and we ordered.

"How about you?" I asked. "I never hear anything about what you're up to."

"Just living life I guess," he shrugged. "I'm going to Europe in the spring with my mom for business."

"Really?" I asked, brows up. "That's crazy."

"Have you ever been?"

"I've barely been out of Minnesota," I laughed. "But someday I'd like to take Addie and Carlos to Eur…" I trailed off, realizing that I may never be able to take Carlos to Europe.

"Addie would like it there," James said anyway. "Maybe not now, but when she's older, when she can appreciate culture and stuff. How is Addie?"

"She's great. So happy now that Carlos is home."

"YOU don't seem happy."

"I'm happy."

"Then what?"

My eyes dropped. I knew I brought him here to talk to him about this, but I felt like I might have a mental breakdown if I tried. My throat was already closing up as I thought about it.

"Is he sick again or something?" James asked.

I felt my face crumple and fall into my hands. That was it. The last straw. I could foresee every stress in my life lately flowing out in tears and panic.

Weight pressed down in the booth beside me and I was pulled to a strong chest. I kept my hands over my face as James' chin lifted up to cradle my hair, his hand rubbing my back.

"Shh," James shushed soothingly as I began sobbing hysterically. Wow, how embarrassing. I was just glad that it was loud and dim in the restaurant.

"Everything's shit," I cried. "He doesn't deserve this. Addie and Logan don't deserve it."

"Neither do you."

I had to note how sweet he was- he didn't even know what the hell was going on and still he knew just what to say.

I was choking, suffocating.

"Kendall," James said softly. "Breathe."

"He's gonna die," I said hysterically, choking. "He WILL die!"

James let me cry it out for a long time before I could breathe again, and he wiped my tears with a napkin, then my nose.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked gently, letting go of me, but not moving.

"His liver is shutting down," I said quietly, but I knew he heard. "And unless we can find someone with his blood type that wants to donate a piece of theirs within a month, he's gonna die- no question. He told me that he was okay with it, and that he was ready to die…"

James' eyes searched mine, full of thought and analysis.

"He said that his other organs might shut down, too," I said, looking down at my wedding ring. "That's what leukemia does to a person."

"Does Logan know?" he asked.

"No. I'm the only one Carlos wanted to tell," I said miserably. "I wish he didn't though."

"Yeah, that's a tough burden to bear," he said sympathetically.

"And I don't know what to do. I can't just let him die," I said. "But there's nothing I CAN do at this point. And I mean, how do we tell Addie that her daddy's dead? How do we take her to the funeral and let her see his cold body?" my voice cracked, shaking my head angrily. "And Logan… He might just kill himself and… and I'll be a single dad… and…"

"I'm not religious, but I don't think that God would let someone like Carlos die so soon," James said softly. "Someone who's so sweet, loved by so many people, has a daughter that loves him to death… No way."

"He seems to think that he's just meant to die," I answered.

James was silent for a long time, save thanking the waitress when the food arrived. He returned to his own seat and stared at his food, me staring at him in confusion.

Finally he looked up at me.

"I could do it," he said simply.

"What?"

"What do I have to do? I'll do it."

"No way, James. You'd have to have his blood type, and he's pretty rare-"

"I'm rarer," James said simply. "I'm type O."

My mouth closed, knowing minimal about blood typing, but enough to know that type O could be given to anyone in need and was VERY rare.

"What's the procedure?"

"I can't ask you to do that," I said defensively. "You're his husband's ex-mistress."

"Which is exactly why he won't feel bad taking it. I owe him- I WANT to make it up to him for all the shit I did to him. I wanna make it up to YOU, and Addie, and poor Logan."

I stared at him, knowing he was right. Carlos would feel horrible asking anyone for part of their liver, but James would be perfect. Carlos had no connection to him and James DID owe him.

"James, I don't think you realize… You'd have to be cut open. They'd have to put you under and you'd have to recover and take medicines. They'd take a piece of your liver. This is a big deal. You have to think about it."

"I don't think YOU realize how guilty I am about fucking up his life so bad."

"You didn't give him cancer."

"Are you telling me no to saving your husband's life?" James asked simply.

I searched his eyes, conflicted.

"You're worried about my safety," James said, eyes boring into mine. "But you need to be worried about Carlos' safety. I could very well be your only bet, Kendall, HIS only bet. Don't you want him to be there for Addie's high school graduation? Her wedding? Don't you want him to live to go to Europe with you?"

My breath caught. I DID want those things. I wanted them badly.

"You can't do something like this for forgiveness," I said softly. "He doesn't want to forgive you."

"Don't worry about me," James persisted. "Worry about Carlos, then afterward you can worry about me a little."

"Why are you so nice?" I demanded. "You're volunteering to get surgery to save the life of a man that hurt you so bad…"

"Yeah, but in saving his life, I may be saving Logan's, too. I'm saving Addie from a sad and depressing childhood, I'm saving you from being a single father and being depressed. And if I had this opportunity and didn't even try, Carlos' death would be on my shoulders… How could I take that?"

I stared at him, searching is eyes. He was serious about this- DETERMINED, even. And he was right- he was my only bet right now, and the sooner it could happen the sooner Carlos could recover.

"I think that if they get his liver taken care of and hurry up with the chemo, he'll live," James said. "I'm not a doctor, but doesn't that make sense?"

"He didn't mention that."

"Because he didn't want to get your hopes up. He didn't think he could get a donor," James reasoned. "Doesn't THAT make sense?"

I was appalled- when did James get so wise and reasonable? He was right about all of this.

"So how about I talk to Carlos about this and we see what we can do?" James proposed. "Put it up to him."

How could I say no to this? He was completely right- I couldn't say no to my only chance to save my husband's life.

"Okay," I shrugged. James smiled a little and nodded, turning to his food to start eating. I was starved, but didn't have much of an appetite anymore.

* * *

**So yeah, like all of you called that and made me feel like crap about it. I had no other options at this point, though, so it happened anyway. :D**


	16. Talking

**Guest: I researched a lot, for this story especially, and I guess I got the wrong facts- I'm sorry. **

**For everyone else, I've said it before, not in this story, if you're like taking notes on facts in this story, please don't, they aren't accurate. It was brought to my attention that type O blood is pretty common (I guess I had it mixed up) and that a person needs at least one kidney to survive (I must have gotten my facts from a sketchy site), and I'm sorry if you find other faults, I'm not a doctor. I probably seem really ignorant to you guys who DO know about the medical stuff in this story, and that's because I am and I'm sorry.**

* * *

I entered the house, James behind me, to find that it was dark, save the kitchen light. A movie was playing in the living room and I knew Carlos, Logan, and Addie were on the couch.

James closed the door behind him and I gave him a supportive nod, although we were both afraid of Carlos and Logan's reactions to James' presence.

I lead him to the couch, where he lingered behind and I came into view.

I had to smile a little at the scene on the couch- I wanted to take a picture. Addie was bundled up in a blanket, curled up on a cushion, fast asleep. Logan sat against the arm of the couch, beneath a blanket with Carlos cuddled up to his arm, eyes drooping sleepily. I should be offended, I really should, but I knew that Carlos' favorite thing during a movie is cuddling. Besides, Logan wasn't really doing anything bad in return.

"Hey, baby," Carlos said brightly. "I heard you come in. You're late."

"James and I went out for dinner," I said.

"What?" Logan snapped, pausing the movie.

"I needed someone to talk to," I said, looking up at James, who they couldn't see. "And he wanted to talk to YOU about something."

James stepped forward, nervously looking down at the two. Instantly Logan was up, eyes on fire, ready to take James out and to the grave.

"Relax, Logan, just hear him out," I demanded, arm strong over his chest from behind. Carlos got up, catching my eyes, and stormed to our bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Addie stirred, but didn't wake.

"Look, LOGAN, I want to kill me, too, but you'll wanna hear this," James said sternly.

"Yeah? Why DON'T you?"

"Logan! That's not an okay thing to say," I growled.

"The only way he's gonna leave us in peace is if he dies, and that way I won't have to go to prison," Logan said in mock brightness. "Oh, and Kendall? You're fucking dead to me. Deader than before."

I rolled my eyes and shoved him back to the couch.

"I'm gonna go get Los," I announced. "Don't touch him, Logan, he's our only hope."

I went to the bedroom and knocked. I jumped when I heard something crash against the door and shatter.

"Los, you don't understand," I demanded. "Just let me explain."

"FUCK YOU!"

Ouch. I deserved that.

"Carlos!" I demanded.

The door flung open and an angry Carlos stood there, looking like the devil himself.

"What did you throw?" I asked, looking down at the carpet at thick clear shards of glass, which if Carlos stepped on with his bare feet he might bleed for hours.

"YOUR cologne," he hissed. Ah. I guess that explains the pungent smell of ME wafting up from the carpet. How the hell did he throw it hard enough to break that thick glass? "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't stay the rest of my time at Logie's and not see you ever again."

"Because it isn't what you think," I pleaded.

"I can't spend my last few weeks on Earth worrying about you sneaking around behind my back and having to deal with James," Carlos snapped.

"And you won't. Carlos, he wants to save your life!"

"The best way he can save my life is getting the fuck out of it, because right now I'm seriously about to pass out and never wake up."

"Carlos, you're being dramatic. Come talk."

"I have nothing to say to him!"

"He has EVERYTHING to say to you."

"I want to hit you."

"So do it."

"I can't. I'm too weak."

"Look at me, Carlos. I apologized once, I promised my honesty to you. And I'm being honest now- I don't sneak around with James anymore. I've seen him twice since the hospital and yes, I've texted him, but you saw those and they're all friendly chit chat. There's nothing between us and there never was. Now, what James has to say is extremely important, PLEASE hear him out."

Within minutes, we were all sitting around the table, Logan and Carlos staring daggers at James.

"I know this might be hard to believe," James began, staring at his hands on the table before looking up at Carlos. "But I care a lot about you and your condition."

Carlos was silent, wanting to puke up curse words and morbid threats but holding back.

"I look up to the kind of relationship you and Kendall have and when I heard that you'll die if you don't get a liver-"

Fuck. I might have forgotten that Logan wasn't supposed to know about that.

"What?" Logan snapped at James, like he was making all this up just to make him mad.

"What, what?"

Carlos sat, eyes wide, staring at me like he might leap across the table to choke me for telling James. He really didn't want Logan to know, and I felt horrible. Carlos' eyes turned to Logan as Logan's turned to his.

"What's he talking about?" Logan asked.

"He's not lying," Carlos said quietly.

Before Logan could react- he looked like he was about to explode- James continued.

"I'm sorry… I forgot that Kendall was the only one to know," James apologized genuinely. "But it doesn't matter now. I'm volunteering to donate a piece of my liver to you."

"No," Carlos said, as if he couldn't believe James' audacity in such a request.

"NO?"

"No! I don't want ANYTHING from you other than you just getting the fuck out of my life!"

I hated to see Carlos this way, those words coming from his sweet mouth. Only James brought that out in him, and frankly I understood. If I was in his shoes, I would act nasty toward Carlos' "mistress", no matter how nice the guy was.

"I understand that," James persisted. "And I've tried. But Carlos-"

"Don't say my name."

James hesitated, shocked, and dropped his eyes.

"I have type O blood," he continued softly. "I can save your life. And I feel like I owe you the world. And if what fulfills that is to disappear forever, I will, but I need you alive forever to do that."

"What the FUCK is going on?" Logan demanded.

"Shut up, Logan," I snapped.

Carlos and James sat across from one another, just staring at each other. James held determination in his eyes, Carlos with wonder in his.

"You have a wonderful marriage, an awesome best friend, and a gorgeous little girl to live for," James said. "I especially can't let Addie lose you. I can tell she thinks the world of you. I grew up without a father and trust me it isn't something a kid should ever go through."

Carlos looked down at his hands, silent, lost in thought. Logan sat beside him with his head in his hands, not crying but contemplating and being puzzled.

Suddenly there were tiny footsteps on the linoleum and Addie appeared beside me, wrapped in a blanket.

"Hi, pumpkin," I smiled, a skill all three of us has mastered- ALWAYS be peppy with Addie, no matter what you're feeling.

"Hi," she smiled sleepily. I picked her up and put her in my lap, watching her groggily wave at James and him smile a little and wave back.

Carlos stared at Addie and I- the two most important people in his life- and I saw that he was torn. He didn't want to need anything from James, but he NEEDED to need things from him. Addie sitting in my lap gave him a scene that reminded him that we needed him- especially Addie- and he couldn't leave us if he could help it.

We locked eyes, him searching mine for me to tell him what to do. I lay my chin on Addie's hair, twisting my lips to show that I knew what he felt.

"What're you talking about?" Addie asked.

"About how Daddy's getting another surgery," Carlos said softly. I felt tension in the air relieve and Carlos' eyes dropped to the wooden table.

Finally, after a second, Carlos got up.

"C'mon, sugar, let's go to bed," he said, rounding the table and reaching out for Addie's hand. Instead of letting her get up, I got up and carried her to her room with Carlos.

We tucked her in and stood outside of her door in the dark hallway.

"I hate him," Carlos said softly as I took him in my arms.

"I know," I sighed. "But you're gonna go through with this, right?"

Carlos sighed and hugged me back. I took it as a yes.

* * *

We returned to the kitchen to find that James was gone, Logan angry now.

He and Carlos fought for a long time about why Carlos hadn't told Logan, and how Carlos almost said no to James' offer and died. Finally Logan left, too, and it was just Carlos and I.

He took a deep breath and went off to the living room. I expected him to turn off the TV with the paused movie on it, but instead he hit "play" and sat on the couch beneath the blankets.

"I'm mad that you went to dinner with him," Carlos said when I came to the living room.

"I know, but I needed to vent to someone and James is an awesome listener. I broke down at the restaurant… Felt stupid."

"He still likes you."

"Maybe, but he would never try anything," I said. Carlos reached out for my hand and pulled me to the couch, where he welcomed me beneath the blankets and leaned on me.

Our first date had been just watching a simple movie at my house, because that's what he said he wanted to do. At the time, I lived with my parents, but my mom got everyone out of the house when she heard how serious I was about that date. I made him spaghetti that night and then we sat in my bed to watch the movie and he surprised me with the cuddling. We didn't really watch the movie that time- we really just talked in the dark and strengthened our feelings for one another.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked, cheek on his thin hair.

"Yeah- I think I just needed some air," he answered. "I hated leaving- I wanted to watch you forever. I can tell you love it up there on stage."

"I do," I smiled a little. "But I just played the same songs again. If you love it so much, why don't you just ask me to play sometime?"

"I didn't know that's an option."

"Anything's an option when you're Carlos," I smirked.

"So I've found."

* * *

James was scared out of his mind as he lay in the hospital bed, the IV being put in his arm. He was minutes away from being put under and cut open. Maybe he hadn't considered that he never had surgery before.

The door opened and he saw a familiar little person enter, flaming red hair in two braids. She was alone, which was strange.

"Hey, Addie," he smiled a little as she caught sight of him. She grinned and climbed into the bed to look at him.

"Are you scared?" she asked with a mischievous smile.

"Yeah," James admitted. "How's your daddy?"

"He's not scared."

"He's had a lot of surgeries," James shrugged. "I've never had one."

"Me either."

"How come you came to see me?"

"Daddy said that it isn't fair that him and Logie are in Daddy's room and nobody was there to say goodnight to you, so he wanted me to come here."

"How sweet," James melted. He was getting his surgery done only minutes before Carlos to prevent the liver tissue from dying, so Carlos was being put under soon after James. "I appreciate it. You make me less nervous."

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"How come you're getting surgery?"

James hated that her parents rarely ever told her what was going on around her. She didn't know the full extent of Carlos' disease or why he got surgeries or why Logan and Carlos didn't like James.

"I'm getting surgery so your daddy can have some of my liver," James explained carefully. He didn't know how much Addie knew or needed to know. "He needs it really bad."

"He could have mine."

"But yours is just a baby liver," James smiled, a lot less nervous now.

"Oh."

"Alright, honey," the male surgeon said to Addie. "It's time to go!"

"I gotsta go," Addie said apologetically. She got to her knees to hug James, warming and melting his heart and telling him that it would all be okay. "Bye, James!"

"Bye, Addie."

* * *

Carlos was used to the feeling of the world slipping away, vision blurring and his mind becoming disconnected. He had gotten surgeries before- he wasn't nervous.

His eyes drifted closed and a dream of a memory played before them.

_It was the morning after Carlos got home from the hospital. Kendall was still asleep and Carlos and Addie were in the kitchen making bacon and eggs._

_"Addie, do you know what angels are?" Carlos asked his daughter, who sat in her pajamas on the counter._

_"They're babies with wings," Addie said cheerfully. "That live in the clouds."_

_"Not all of them are babies," Carlos corrected. "Like… remember when we went to Daddy's grandma's funeral? She's an angel now, looking down and protecting Daddy forever."_

_"How does she protect him?"_

_"Well, she just makes sure nothing bad happens to him. Like a guardian angel."_

_Carlos was realizing that maybe Addie should have been more involved in church, but she couldn't go to his childhood church, where everyone spoke Spanish and she wouldn't understand, and Kendall's family weren't really religious enough to have a church. Maybe once… IT happened… Kendall would take her to church to pray for her daddy's soul more often._

_"Does she have wings?" Addie asked excitedly._

_"Of course," Carlos smiled. His smile dropped and they went silent. "Ad, I want to tell you that if I become an angel sometime soon, I'll always look down on you and Logie and Daddy and protect you, okay? Especially you."_

_"But you don't have a funeral."_

_"But if I did."_

_"No!"_

_"Addikins! You'll wake Daddy up!"_

_"I don't want you to be a angel."_

_"I know, baby. But if I did, make sure Daddy and Logie know that I'm an angel and I'm still here with you. And never forget that I'll always protect you and give you kisses before you sleep."_

_"How come your hair falled out and you got white?"_

_Carlos fell silent, looking down at the sizzling bacon._

_"Because I'm sick, baby, you know that," he said softly. "Do I look scary?"_

_"No, you look cute. You're always cute."_

_Carlos grinned and roughly kissed his daughter's cheek, making her squeal and giggle. One of his main concerns with his physical changes was that his appearance would scare Addie. He was glad that she didn't look at it that way. He then turned on the radio, glad that depressing talk was over with and he could enjoy his morning._


	17. Operations

I was nervous as all hell as I waited for any news about James or Carlos' surgeries the next morning, when they should be waking up.

Logan was asleep on me- his head had toppled over onto my shoulder. Addie was painting pictures with an app I had on my phone and saving them and making them my wallpapers, sitting on the floor a few feet away. It seemed like every time I looked, I had a new background.

I was absently watching Jay Leno on the TV in the waiting room when Logan jerked, making me jump. I looked down to find that he was still asleep on my shoulder and he shifted and hug my arm. His face twitched and his brows knitted, then relaxed. I knew that he was usually a still-sleeper, while Carlos and Addie moved and talked a lot in their sleep, so this was strange.

A few seconds later, I had turned back to the TV.

Logan jerked again and his breathing went rigid and panicked, like he was trying to take breaths faster than he could. His hands squeezed into my shirt and his brows knitted.

After a while of this, I got scared that he was having a seizure or couldn't breathe or something.

"Logan," I murmured, shaking my shoulder to wake him, but he didn't open his eyes. His breaths continued shaking and stopping, so I used my hand to wiggle him. "Loge. C'mon, bud, wake up."

It took a lot of effort, but finally his dark eyes snapped open. I stared down at him, relieved but worried about him.

Logan sat up and looked around frantically.

"You okay, buddy?" I asked.

"How's Los?" he demanded.

"I haven't heard anything."

Suddenly Logan burst into tears, doubling over in his seat to cry into his knees. Confused, I rubbed his back with my hand, not knowing what the hell was going on.

"I- I had a d-dream," Logan sobbed, sitting up and looking at me with helpless and tearful eyes. I wiped his cheeks as I listened. "That we were a-at Los' funeral."

My brows contracted and I nodded, telling him to go on.

"That was it. Just us at his funeral, his family there crying, Addie in my arms, looking like a sad angel, and you... You were looking at his body in the casket and you just… Fell… You knelt there and cried so hard…"

I was troubled by the dream and hated to see Logan this way.

"It's not real, Loge," I assured, rubbing his back. "Los is okay. We'll see him really soon."

"I don't know that you've ever seen me cry," Logan said softly.

"You cried at our wedding, and when you first met Addie-"

"You've never seen me be WEAK."

I thought a second. Even when Carlos told Logan about his kidney cancer, then about his leukemia, I wasn't there for the breakdown. I had NEVER seen Logan cry because he was weak.

"But I cry a lot at home," Logan sniffled, bringing his knees to his chest and laying his cheek on them. "For a lot of reasons."

"We all do," I said, trying to comfort him. "This is a tough time for all of us right now."

"But not just because of Carlos. I cry because of selfish reasons, like that I'm single, and that I have no friends besides Carlos, who I've known since I was a kid, and Addie, who's FIVE. I cry because I have nobody to cuddle me while I do. And cause I'm a little bitch and I can't fix it," Logan said, dark eyes serene on mine. "And then I cry harder because I have better things to be sad about, and I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself."

"Look… Logan," I said awkwardly. "You know Los is the comforter here… I'm not good at this whole 'making you feel better' thing."

"I know that," Logan laughed a little. "Sorry… I just needed someone to tell that to. I've been trying to butt out of yours and Carlos' marriage a little more, so I haven't been able to talk to him. Besides, HE has better things to worry about than me."

"I worry about you," I offered, rubbing his back and shoulders soothingly.

"You shouldn't. After all I've done to you."

"But at the end of the day, you're my brother-in-law," I sighed. "And I'll be seeing you every day for the rest of my life, and I have to love you."

Logan laughed, rolling his eyes. His smile dropped and his brows knitted, staring at the arm of my chair.

"I can't believe Los was gonna die…" he said softly, closing his eyes.

"I wasn't gonna let him," I said.

"What if he did?" Logan's dark eyes opened and stared at me, tearful.

"Then…"

"I love him so much," Logan whispered. "He's my best friend. My brother."

"And you love him as more," I said softly, not threatening.

"I'm getting over it," Logan murmured.

"If Carlos died…" I said quietly, thinking. "Then you would move into the house. We would be destroyed- all three of us- for a long time. But Addie would need us. Me and you… We would take care of each other."

"You would let me move in?"

"I'd be afraid that you would do something stupid and Addie and I would find you hanging by your ceiling fan if you weren't with us," I admitted softly.

Logan nodded, wiping his eyes on his jeans.

"I might have," he said softly before laying his cheek on his knees again to look at me.

Addie came up to sit on the arm of the chair between Logan and I, sensing the dark emotions between Logan and me.

"Don't cry, Logie, I love you," she smiled sweetly, her little hands stroking the back of his head. She always liked the way it was shaved and how the dark hair was soft yet a bit prickly.

"I love you, too, Addiecake," he smiled a little.

* * *

"The surgeries were successful," the nurse said as she led us down the hallway. "Luckily the donor had a healthy liver- he drank quite a bit of alcohol in the past, but it was still healthy. They're both conscious now."

"Thanks," I said, carrying Addie, as the nurse opened the door to Carlos' room.

"Hi, babies," Carlos said brightly from the bed, the blinds closed this time, the TV off.

"Daddy!" Addie cheered. I didn't let her down- I didn't want her to hurt him. Instead, I carried her to the bed and leaned her down so she could kiss Carlos and rub her nose with his before I did the same.

After Logan kissed his face frantically, Carlos smiled a little to me.

"How's James?" he asked.

"They say he's alive and awake."

"Logie, will you go tell him I'm okay?"

"What?" Logan retorted. "No way!"

"At least take Addie to his room to talk to him? PLEASE? I need Kenny here."

* * *

James was flirting it up with the hot young nurse, Ella, he had when the door opened and Addie bounded in.

"Hey! That's Addie!" he said happily.

"Hi, sweetie!" the nurse smiled, finishing changing the bag in James' IV drip and turning to her.

"Addie! You came to see me!" James said excitedly as Addie climbed up in the bed and hugged his neck with equal enthusiasm. James knew that Kendall, Logan, and Carlos had hearts and were worried about him, but Kendall wasn't allowed (says Carlos, probably) to check on him and Logan sure as hell wouldn't, so they sent Addie. That's okay- Addie's more fun.

"Alright, Mr. Diamond, you're all set- ring if you need anything," the nurse said.

"Don't go!"

"Have fun."

James pouted as she left, making Addie giggle. The nurse was soon forgotten.

"How's your dad?" James asked as Addie settled in to sit on his legs, facing him.

"He's good," Addie smiled. "He waked up and is okay."

"That's good."

"I drawed you a piture at home and I forgetted to gave it to you before you got surgery," Addie said apologetically, digging into her pocket for a crumpled piece of paper. James helped her straighten the paper out.

James' eyes set on the picture of an orange bear wearing a blue hat, eating a pizza.

"That's awesome, Addie, thanks!"

"Welcome. I can make you more."

"I'd love to have more."

Addie looked down at James' hand in his lap, her fingers touching the IV catheter in his vein.

"Are you sick?" she asked, eyes in a panic.

"No, not sick."

"Then take this out," she said, picking at the IV.

"Better not. My hot nurse might get mad," James grumbled.

"Okay."

"How long do you get to stay with me?"

Addie shrugged up to her ears, making James giggle.

"Well, do you wanna watch TV?" he asked excitedly. "I think Family Guy is on."

"What's that?"

"A cartoon. You'll like it."

* * *

It had been a long time since we had seen Addie and I was sent to get her, Carlos saying that she was probably hungry and ready for a nap.

I found James' room easily- it was only a few doors down from Carlos'. I let myself in, immediately going quiet when I saw that Addie was sitting beneath James' arm, asleep with her freckly cheek on his ribs.

James' eyes turned to me from the TV and he gave me a dazzling and goofy James grin.

"Hi!" he whisper-yelled. I smiled and went to sit on the bed.

"Los would kill you if he found out you let her watch Family Guy," I laughed, turning to him from the TV.

"She doesn't understand it," James assured. "Hell, I barely understand it."

I grinned and stared at him. Damn- even after surgery he was gorgeous. His face was paler, dark circles supported his eyes, and his lips were lighter pink, but he still looked like he could model that very moment.

"What're you looking at?" he smirked.

"Just wondering how you still look good after surgery."

"Sexy is my forte," he said charismatically. "Just so happens, it's my ONLY forte."

"Not true," I defended. "You're great with Addie. You could be a preschool teacher, I think."

"I believe one has to know their shapes and colors to be a preschool teacher," he winked jokingly, making me laugh.

"Have you ever thought about having kids, though?" I asked.

"That'd be great," he said in mock enthusiasm. "But I think I need a spouse before I can get a kid. Right now I'm just trying to soak Addie up while I can."

I twisted my lips, knowing he was right- he agreed to get out of our lives after the surgery.

"Well… If it gives you any hope, CARLOS sent Ad here to stay with you," I offered. "So he cares a little."

"Very sweet," James sighed. "How is he?"

"He's great. We came into his room and he was just… So happy, you know? It could very well be the anesthetics and pain meds, though."

"Do you think he'll stay that way?"

"God, I hope so. It's so good to see him smiling and happy again- even if it IS drug-induced. And I hope no other problems come up."

"What kind of health insurance do you guys have?"

"A good kind, but there's still a LOT to pay for," I sighed. "That's the least of my problems right now. We have his parents, my parents, Logan's parents, Logan and me trying to pitch in, so I think it's okay."

"Would it be inappropriate for me to ask if I could pitch in a bit? Say… A few thousand? Like that would make a dent in the costs?"

"Highly inappropriate," I laughed a little. "But it's a sweet notion. You've done more than enough already."

James sighed and nodded good-naturedly.

"So… Carlos seems sorry for all he said to you," I said, looking at my sleeping daughter. "He seemed really- sympathetic?- when I told him how bad he hurt you."

"He should be sorry," James said stiffly. "I know he didn't know it, but he crossed a line."

"Do you mind me asking… Why?"

"Why what?"

"It's really random, but it's been bugging me. Why did they call you a whore in school?" I asked.

"It's a long story."

"I like stories," I persisted. I could tell he wasn't opposed to telling me this "long story", or I wouldn't have pressed on.

James looked down at Addie, making sure she was still sound asleep.

"Well my sophomore year I hit puberty and got sexy," he started. "I dated, whatever, like everyone else. THEN, junior year I started having sex."

"So? Lots of people do it in high school."

"But they didn't know that, is the worst part. No, they called me a whore my whole senior year and part of my junior year because there was a RUMOR that someone saw me kiss my girlfriend, then round a corner and go into the bathroom and blow a guy in the stall. Then some notorious gay guy at the school came up with a nude picture with no face and said that it was me- that I sent it to him. Needless to say, I lost my girlfriend and got called every name in the book- even by TEACHERS. Faggot, homo, WHORE. Whore was the biggest one, because after that guys and girls kept saying that I had sex with them, even if I didn't. I don't know WHY I was targeted like that. Like, yeah, I was bisexual at the time- I would fess up to that. But I didn't have sex with most of the people who said that I had done it with them."

"Teenagers are… Why did they care so much, even if you DID blow that guy?"

"Well you of all people know that a blowjob can mean the world."

I smirked a little and rolled my eyes. Honestly, and I've told you this before, I didn't think that a simple blowjob meant much of anything. It was just a bit more serious than kissing, if you ask me. Sex is a whole other subject, however.

"Anyway," James sighed, shifting. "It's in the past, and it made me stronger."

"I hope Addie's never bullied like that. She already has problems because of her hair and her two dads."

"Well Addie'll keep out of boy's pants, HOPEFULLY. And she'll make strong friendships, and that'll help her. She'll be okay."

Coming from someone who was hurt so bad in high school, the reassurance comforted me.

* * *

James finally decided that he wanted to sleep, so I carried the sleeping Addie back to Carlos' room. She slept in Logan's arms as he sat in the chair beside the bed, me beside Carlos, arm around his shoulders. Logan was lost, giggling like a schoolgirl as he texted someone… Dak?

"What took you so long?" Carlos asked, snuggling into me as best he could with his IV and heart monitor and painful stitches in his abdomen.

"I was talking to James," I said simply. "About random stuff."

"He's okay?"

"He's great."

"It's wrong for me to kick him out of yours and Addie's life, isn't it? Especially since he saved my life?"

I looked down at him, catching his dark eyes.

"It is. But… He's caused a lot of problems for us, and I understand why you want him gone," I said.

"But he's still sweet. And Addie loves him," Carlos said. "And he hasn't tried anything, RIGHT?"

"I promise he hasn't."

"And I bet he doesn't have friends."

"Nope."

"I just don't wanna be THAT husband, you know? Who's so suspicious that everyone's gonna steal his man, and won't let his husband go places with his friends and stuff… But…"

Carlos seemed troubled, obviously torn. I kissed his temple gently. I understood why he was being "that husband". I broke the trust we had, and now he was suspicious of James.

"Don't worry about it right now," I said softly.

"I have to get chemo tomorrow," he said weakly. "I'm sick of chemo. I'm sick of being sick."

"You're almost done," I said brightly.

"The finish line is miles and miles away," he mumbled.

"I know, honey," I pouted, pulling his chin up and kissing his nose. "But you're the bravest, strongest, CUTEST person I know because of this."

"Not cutest anymore," he grumbled.

"I think you're cute as all hell," I said cutely, kissing his cheek and making him grin.

"But my hair's thin and my lips are cracked and I'm all pale and-"

I cut him off with a ginger kiss. I hated when he talked about his appearance. Sure- he wasn't as handsome or sexy as he was when he was healthy, but Carlos couldn't NOT be cute. It was like James couldn't NOT be sexy.

"I love you," I sang.

"Love you."

I kissed him again- I felt like he needed it. Like he made a breakthrough and he wanted someone to acknowledge it.

"YES!" Logan suddenly squealed, making Addie startle awake in his arms. "I got a date!"

"LOGIE!" Addie reprimanded sleepily. "I'm SLEEPIN'!"

"I got a DATE, Ad!" Logan said excitedly.

"Shut up!"

Logan, unfazed, looked to us for support.

"That's amazing, Logie!" Carlos squealed with equal enthusiasm. "With Dak?"

"YEAH!"

"When?"

"Tomorrow night! He says he's taking me to a surprise place! It better not be Dairy Queen."

I giggled as Carlos and Logan went on and on about it, until eventually Addie grumpily got up and curled into my lap to sleep.

* * *

**I think next chapter will be a cute one! :D I think we're nearing the end- probably two more chapters. SORRY! I'm coming out with another one soon, though! Jagan or Cargan? Can't decide! Any suggestions?**


	18. The End

**I know you weren't expecting this, but it's the last chapter! It's all explained at the end, so enjoy.**

* * *

Today would be a special day.

The windows were rolled down of the van, Carlos behind the wheel sporting his sunglasses and a bright smile. The summer sunshine made his warm tan skin glow, his cheeks rosy and lips pink again, scars from his past illness still evident, but forgiven. Addie was in the back, her hair in a French braid with the wind tugging a few ringlets free. Warm summer air blew in with the sun through the windshield.

We were about half an hour away from home, almost to our destination. My heart was about to explode with anticipation.

I was just about twenty minutes away from meeting my new daughter. She was waiting there at the orphanage, where we paid big bucks to have her taken from California.

I had seen pictures of her- Emily Paige. She was about 6 months old, given up by a drug addict mother in California. We were told that she was a little bit shy, and she had little pale blonde hair with the lightest blue eyes you could imagine. She was gorgeous, and it only took us five months to get her (sarcasm).

"Are you excited?" Carlos beamed to me.

"I'm about to pee myself," I admitted. "How about you, Ad?"

"I don't want a baby," Addie scolded. At first, when we applied to be on the list for adoption, Addie was excited. Then, months later, we were offered the new baby and sent pictures, she didn't like the idea. She hated that suddenly her daddies and Logan and James and Dak were so obsessed with Emily's beauty, and was scared that the baby would get more attention than she.

"Know what, pumpkin, you'll love her," I said, twisting in my seat. "She's big enough to play with, you know. She can sit up and can make sounds."

"I can sit up and make sounds."

"You think you won't like her," I said matter-of-factly. "But when you meet her, you'll love her."

"And we'll still pay attention to you, honey," Carlos added. "But you have to remember that you're a big girl and can take care of yourself- Emily will be little and need help."

Addie sighed and looked solemnly out the window. I hated that she was afraid of being forgotten- she was so used to being in the spotlight ALL THE TIME.

* * *

"Here she is," the obviously gay man at the orphanage said excitedly, coming into the office with a tiny body sitting up in his arm.

I heard Carlos' breath leave him, and felt my own.

"Look at her," Carlos said tearfully, reaching out to take the baby.

Emily was more beautiful than I could imagine. Her hair was short and soft-looking, pale golden, and her little eyes darted everywhere, her fingers in her mouth.

"Hi, beautiful," Carlos choked, smoothing down her hair.

"She's shy around new people," the man explained. "But a doll once she's comfortable."

Carlos looked like he was about to die as he passed her to me.

She smelled like babies. I mean, obviously, but that was my favorite thing about Addie when she was a baby- the way her head and skin smelled.

I got to my knees, letting Addie see her new sister.

"Isn't she pretty?" I asked Addie as she stood before me, looking at Emily. Addie twisted her lips, reaching out to touch her hair.

"Yeah," she gave in.

"Emily, this is your big sister, Addie," I said to the baby, like she would understand. The two stared at one another for a second before Emily looked over at me timidly.

Suddenly a toothless grin broke out over the baby's smooth features and her little hand reached out to grip my nose. I noticed that she had a deep dimple on her right cheek.

Addie burst into laughter, catching Carlos' attention from the man and making him giggle.

"You used to do that, too," Carlos said, getting to his knees to hug Addie. "I think babies just love his silly nose."

Soon Carlos inevitably took Emily from me, and I was left signing papers.

* * *

James, Logan, and Dak were waiting at the house when we got there. I imagined Logan didn't talk to James much- he still wasn't on good terms with him- but Dak was a great guy and probably kept James company.

"She's so perfect," Logan melted as Emily was put in his arms for the first time. "Gorgeous."

Dak looked over his three-month boyfriend's shoulder at the baby, smiling because that's what you do when you look at Emily.

The baby ended up bursting into tears a few seconds later, and Logan reluctantly handed her off to James.

Like every other girl, Emily took one look at James and stared in awe, practically swooning over her looks.

"Hey, there, little princess," James said softly, a grin on his face. As I've said before, James was great with kids.

I felt Addie hug my leg, her cheek resting on it. I stroked her hair comfortingly, knowing that she was used to James calling HER 'princess'.

"C'mon, pumpkin, let's make her something to eat," I said softly, picking Addie up and carrying her off to the kitchen. I sat her on the counter and gave her a long hug. "I know you don't like that Emily's getting all the attention, but it won't always be this way."

Addie nodded sadly as I let go of her to get some baby formula going.

"What will you call her?" she asked. "Not pumpkin."

"Not pumpkin. That's you," I agreed. "Hm- I dunno. I guess we'll find out."

"Is she cuter than me?"

"No way," I winked. "She's cute, but she doesn't have your adorable red hair and freckles, you know."

"Good," Addie said proudly.

"You know, we're gonna need you to help us," I said, pouring powder into a bottle. "Like when she needs someone to play with. And when she goes to Logie's house, he'll need your help making bottles and stuff."

Addie twisted her lips as she watched me shake the bottle up and put it into the microwave.

"It'll be fun to be a big sister- you'll see," I assured, smoothing down some stray ringlets of red hair.

"Couldn't we get a puppy instead?"

I giggled at this, kissing her forehead.

"You know I don't really like puppies," I smirked as the microwave beeped. I had actually almost gotten a dog after Carlos' cancer went into remission at the beginning of spring, but about then we were talking about another adoption, so I didn't.

Before taking the bottle out, I made a sippy cup of juice for Addie to make sure she knew that she and Emily were equal. I could tell it meant the world to her.

After a while, Emily started to warm up to everyone. She babbled a little bit and smiled a little more, showing us that she wasn't entirely shy.

Her timidity and what made her cry really reminded us that bringing home a new child isn't like getting a new pet. That sounds, bad, but it can be similar. Except Emily was a human being- we had to make sure she was comfortable and part of the family.

"Awe, I want one," Dak melted, smoothing down my new daughter's hair. Logan's eyes widened, which Dak didn't see, making me laugh. Dak finally looked over at him. "Maybe seven?"

"Um… Let's start with maybe hitting an anniversary first," Logan said nervously. I knew he wanted maybe a kid or two, but Dak wanted a big family. We've told him over and over that Logan had to compromise, but Logan didn't want to hurt Dak.

"You're cute," Dak giggled, pressing a rough kiss to Logan's mouth to melt him.

I looked to the couch to find James lying casually on the couch, cuddling Addie.

At first, James was allowed to stick around for Addie's sake. That evolved into Carlos warming up to him a bit- I think they had a few heartfelt conversations and James showed Carlos that he really cared about us as a family, Addie especially. He had just got back from Europe with his mom and brought back a lot of cool gifts- even one for Logan.

I knew that James was the sweetest of them all, and he made sure to show Addie that. Addie could count on him to always pay attention to her.

She hugged his arm, her cheek on the back of his hand, as they watched TV.

James caught my eyes and he smiled a little, understanding what I was going through. I smiled gratefully as Carlos absently leaned into me, kissing my jaw, not seeing my silent conversation with James.

Carlos' recovery was probably the happiest time of our lives.

His skin glowed again, his smile returned, his hair grew back. He was strong enough to hold Addie and we had even had sex once he was able.

I no longer had to worry about him bruising easily or getting cut and bleeding for hours. I still had to take him to chemo a few times to make sure the leukemia didn't return, and he still did dialysis regularly. No other organs failed since the liver transplant, a work of a miracle I think.

He glowed with happiness, always smiling and giving hugs and kisses and laughing. He was his old self again, and (sarcastically, again) it only took months and months to get him to this point.

Sometimes I think of how close I was to losing him. How close Addie was to losing a father, and Logan to losing his best friend and brother. Carlos is the center of my entire life and all relationships in it, and thinking of his death, which was so close to happening, tore me apart.

* * *

After tucking Addie in, we took Emily to her bedroom for her first night at home.

Emily yawned, her tiny hand coming up to rub her crystal blue eyes.

"She makes my heart explode," Carlos said softly, his chest pressed to my arm. "I love her already."

"You said that about Addie on her first night."

"Because Addie made my heart explode, too. Still does."

"Does it bother you that we weren't offered a boy?" I asked as I brought Emily to her changing table. Carlos helped strip her clothes and I began changing her diaper, which was wet.

"It would have been nice to experience a son to carry on the Knight name," he admitted. "But now we're those parents who has 'the girls', you know?"

"Who's to say we can't have a son in the future?"

"Maybe. We're still young. But I think we're the perfect size now."

"Me, too."

We got Emily into her PJ's and brought her to Addie's old crib, which was Carlos' and his three brothers' before her. It was pretty old and full of memories, needless to say.

"Sweet dreams, angel," I smiled to her, kissing her chubby cheek. Carlos turned on the baby monitor before kissing her goodnight and laying her in the crib.

He lingered, watching the baby flip to get comfortable, her eyes fluttering closed. I hugged his back, my chin on top of his head.

"Addie's having trouble, I know," Carlos said softly, his warm hands touching mine on his stomach. "It'll get better, right?"

"I remember when Katie was born. I was like seven, and I hated her for a while, because I was used to being the baby. But my mom always made sure to show me some love every day, and that's what I plan for Addie," I said.

"We've spoiled her so bad," Carlos laughed a little.

"And you know we'll continue."

"Back when the whole James thing happened, Logan told me to divorce you. I was really mad when I found out that I had decided I couldn't live the rest of my life with you," Carlos said softly, taking me off guard. He turned from the crib to me, looking up with beautiful black eyes. "But then I saw you and I knew that I could never NOT love you. And I'm just thinking… What if I went through with it? Where would I be?"

"Right now? It's only been a few months."

"Like half a year."

"Depends on how attached you were to me and how fast you heal."

"You're right. I'd be living with Logan, cuddling with him as he stroked my hair and soothed me."

"Would you remarry?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter- it didn't happen and we're stronger because of it," Carlos said simply.

"I think you would marry Logan. Maybe not because you love him romantically, but because he could take care of you and you need that."

"What KIND of taking care of?" Carlos giggled.

"Not THAT. GOD no," I laughed, shaking my head. "I mean, like, you need someone to touch you-hug you, kiss you, cuddle you, tell you they love you. You NEED it. And Logan would give that to you."

"Logie would want sex and I don't think I could do that with him," Carlos smirked.

"Sometimes I take great pride in having that one thing he doesn't," I grinned.

"He and Dak haven't even done it- he's not used to this. He used to have sex like all the time, and now he's actually got a boyfriend and Dak says that they can't do it until they can say they love each other. Which is what we did."

"And I think I died a little at that time."

"But that's how you know a guy wants YOU and not SEX. If they're willing to wait for it, then it'll be a deeper relationship, and the first time'll be crazy awesome."

"How does it feel to only have had sex, only been touched, by one person in this whole world?" I asked curiously.

"Clean and pure," Carlos said smartly. "You should have tried it."

I wasn't sure how he meant that- was it innocent, joking about how I wasn't a virgin when we dated, or was it a stab about the whole James incident? He lifted up to his toes to kiss me before turning, getting a last look of Emily, and passed me with a touch of my stomach.

"Don't stay up too late," he said softly as he left.

I went to the crib again, leaning on the bars to look in. Emily was on her back, asleep, cheek gracefully on her little blanket. I reached down to stroke her hair as softly as I could, not wanting to wake her.

I never expected to be here now. If you had asked me ten years ago where I saw myself when I was an adult, I would have said something about being a pro hockey player, a bachelor, living the life. Now look. I was a cashier at Dick's Sporting Goods. That's not ideal, yes, and maybe it wasn't a sufficient source of income for my life. I was married to a MAN that adored me, who stuck with me even when I cheated on him. I had two beautiful daughters and owned a house- not a big one, but a home that was sufficient for my family.

No, as a teenager I would never think I would end up here, and maybe if you told me my future I would be disgusted.

Would I go back and choose another path? One where I refused Carlos and went on to college, never to even think about him again? Choose a life where I had a dream job on the ice, had a big house all to myself, where I would have a different girl (or guy) every night?

No.

Never. My life was perfect now, all because of one tiny Latino that stole my heart. Maybe he changed my entire life, keeping me from college and hockey, but he also gave me love and a family and happiness.

Suddenly Emily shifted and whimpered before letting out a cry.

I reached in and picked her up, shushing her as I held her to my chest, bouncing her a little.

"It's okay, angel," I murmured, kissing her cheek as she cried. "Daddy's here."

I knew that she wasn't hungry or didn't have a dirty diaper. No, this was how Addie was her first night at home. She was freaked out because of her new surroundings- new people touching her, new smells, new voices.

"You don't have to be scared," I whispered as her crying quieted to whimpers. Of course I knew she didn't understand- it's just something I've always done is talk to babies. "You're home now."

I tried to imagine Emily as a teenager or young adult. I imagined a shy girl with long golden hair, a cute dimple digging into one cheek when she smiled.

"Soon you'll get used to it here," I said, bouncing her and pacing the room, trying to get her to sleep. "You'll get used to your new sissy and your uncles and me and Daddy. You'll choose your favorites- I'm betting on James- and you'll show us what music you like and what your favorite toys are. Your personality will come out and we'll have to adjust to whatever it is. But we'll love you no matter what, cause now you're a Knight, little angel, and everyone loves the Knights. I love you already."

Emily looked at me with quizzical blue eyes, her fingers in her mouth.

"This is just the beginning of a wonderful life, Emmy," I murmured, kissing her little forehead.

She held my eyes for a long time, and I didn't dare look away for fear of missing something. She yawned again before her little fingers curled into the neck of my shirt and her eyes closed. I held her for a while longer, loving how warm she was on my chest, her breaths so light through her tiny nose.

Nobody could understand the feeling of a father holding his child, soothing her as she sleep, until they experience it. The feeling is unbeatable. It was times like these when we bonded and she would get closer to becoming a real daughter to me, gaining my heart, and we would connect. These times were essential to a child entering an adopted family.

* * *

I climbed into bed, surprised to find Addie beneath the blankets cuddled up to Carlos, asleep.

"I heard you through the baby monitor," Carlos said softly as I scooted in closer and got comfortable.

"That's embarrassing," I laughed a little.

"You called her 'Emmy'. That's adorable."

"Well you called Ad 'Addie' on the first night," I said softly. "I think it's my turn. Speaking of, what's Addie doing here?"

"She came in and asked if she could sleep here, cause she wanted to cuddle," Carlos sighed. "But I think she was just missing us."

"It'll be tough for her for a while," I said. "But every big sibling has to go through it."

"No father wants to watch his little girl feel neglected, though."

"You're the baby of the family, Los," I giggled. "You don't understand it."

"I'm glad you do, then."

"SHHHH," Addie scolded from where she was attached to Carlos. "Addie's sleepin'."

"Sorry, pumpkin," I whispered, Carlos grinning at me. Gosh, I loved that smile.

* * *

**The end. :)**

**I know I told you two more chapters, but I decided against my initial idea for this chapter, because it was pointless. SO I hope that even though you were planning on another chapter, you enjoyed this one.**

**Love you guys, thanks for reading! I'm upset that it's over, cause I love Addie and I love writing about Carlos' disease and Kogan fights and James sweetness. I really wanted to do an alternate ending where Carlos dies, but I think I'll make it a one-shot instead.**

**Right now I'm working on the first chapter to my new Cargan, and a few one-shots! :D Hopefully you'll see some new stuff out soon!**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you really enjoyed it, because I did.**

**Until next time, **

**JMLHCPKSfan**


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